I want to sob but can't

I really want to sob my eyes out. I hurt on the insides. It feels yucky, painful, pressing, demanding, constant, inescapable, drilling, pushing, continuous, grungy, gungy, crappy, gutsy. It's there, 24x7. Like some radioactive dump which doesn't go by itself. Requires proactive action to clean up. That's what it feels like.

My wife sat down with me last night - and showed real softness. Holding my arm/hand as I battled with these emotions. Able to discuss them, tears pricking my eyes, tears forming and escaping. But no sobbing. No real crying. It's as if; if I allow myself to really sob it will give power to the person in front of whom I am sobbing. And I can't do that. It would leave me too vulnerable, and give them too much power.

Why? Because as a boy I feared my dad's anger. I couldn't show any weakness because to do so would give him more power. And if I did that I would be squashed to nothing. So to ensure that I don't ever get into a situation where anyone could dominate me I have to keep my guard up high, on maximum alert. And as such I can't become vulnerable enough to really let myself go and sob like a baby. And yet I want to - I want to sob like a baby and rid myself of this pent up pain and hurt. And yet I can't. I tried really hard with my wife last night - but yet I couldn't.

Speaking with my therapist today, I explained how I felt, and he was gracious about it. Said I was processing things just feeling what I was feeling, and that some people go through therapy successfully without sobbing. He also agreed that as per last week ref my sister, it's not a case of trying to take the whole thing on, but just dealing with things in bite sized pieces. I can do that which I am pleased about - as I feel that the feelings in my gut as a whole are too nig for me to deal with..

He encouraged me to carry out writing my journal (this).

So I am!