Grief and anger

Grief and anger. Grief at realising all the things I have not been able to do. Grief at realising all the things I will never be able to do. The things I've missed out on. The choices that were made by others. The pretty girls. Sex. Oh - I may never have wanted to if I'd known my own mind. But I didn't (although I thought I did). Hanging round with mates - I was Billy No Mates 11-18 apart from the odd weekend when I met up with a (very good) friend from school but who lived an hour away.

Scream. Shout. Pound the steering wheel. Try and force the door opening further apart. Jump up and down. Try and squeeze a piece of wood. Scream louder. Shout. Ears hurt, shout louder.

This hurts. It's painful. I've lost something which I can't ever get back. The time has gone. I'm not 8, 12 or 15. I'm 39. Get over it, you have to live as a 39 year old or you will be 50 grieving when you were 39. You are married. You are responsible. You can't sleep around. You can't pretend you have no responsibilities. You can't do what 10, 15, 18 year olds do. You are 39.

TANTRUM. SCREAM. Chest tension, feel the pain and anger. Need to release it. It's seeping out, stronger when I am on my own.

My map of my life has been obliterated. All the things that were the firm structures and markers in my life have or are being removed. My need for control. That I'm a leader. That I'm called. That I'm chosen. That my life is mapped out for me. God. Church. Leadership. Business. Everything. Wiped. What's left? I don't know. It's scary. Who am I? I don't know, because all I can feel is the pain of not being allowed to be me as I was growing up. And now too. As because of my past I am not free now. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. GROOAAAAANNNN. ARGGGGGGGHHHHH.