Escaping the moment rather than living in it

Read through any self help manual and they will talk about living in the moment. What a great thing to do. You can enjoy the sunshine, the way your wife looks at you, the way you child giggles, a friend shares, the warm stone floor under your feet, the song of the bird WOOOORRRRRRP.

Unless of course the moment hurts. Sucks. Is painful, full of guilt. Then the moment is to be escaped. Pretend it's not there. Live for the future, when all will be well. Aim for the future. Keep it non specific. And just keep fighting.

I think that's me. Escape the moment. Forget things you are supposed to do, places you are supposed to be, chores I'm supposed to run. Don't give me an envelope to post - it will never get there. Tell me at 10am to pick someone up at 4pm - and I'll forget. Whether it's relating to the girls, my wife or me - I forget. Weirdly I'm more likely to remember meetings at work - but I guess I need to impress there.

Why do I forget? Why am I soooo terrible at remembering basic responsibilities? Is it because I don't want to live in the moment? The moment at home was painful. Like living in a POW camp. Not to be savoured. To be endured. Living for the moment when I may be free.

When I lived at home I couldn't wait to get married. I looked with jealousy and envy at young married couples. I longed to be married, and to run a church.

Basically I had a stunted life. With stunted options.

When therapy is over, I'm hoping that I will enjoy living in the moment. In fact if I'm not then I should not end therapy.