Saviour of the world - and that's just me

There I am, sat in my therapy session, contemplating. And bang. There it is. I feel like I am the saviour of the world. Not THE Saviour you understand, but a saviour none the less. A fixer. One who should be helping others..

I feel responsible for anyone who has a need of any kind. This may be (primarily) financial (not enough money) or physical (ill in some way). Often those with some kind of emotional pain illicits the same reaction from me. I feel responsible, that I have the answer or can help.

My therapist asked me for some examples.

My family for one.

They are a needy bunch - as I have been. Past hurt and pain is wrecking their lives. And wrecking the children too. I explained that I felt that my parents needs were so great that I had given up trying to fix them, but still held out some hope for some of my sisters. Though again, this was a big ask.

Friends.

One of my friends is in dire financial straits. He didn't get a big bonus he's been promised, had to leave the company, didn't get a job for 6 months whilst being ill, then took a job at a considerably lower salary. Result, he's going down almost £2,000 per month (!). His house is on the market and he's desperate to sell. He's just sold subject to contract at £100,000 less than he was originally told it was worth. On top of that he has been paying for solicitors to take his previous company to court. As a friend I have seen the increasing stress levels on him and his family. I offered £2,000 to help out with no strings attached. He was very touched and thankful. Now I'm wondering whether I should give more each month until he has sold the house.

My therapist kept asking me why I felt responsible. How I felt. And wham. Through working through it I realised that I was trying to fix everything/everyone. My wife constantly gets annoyed with me for trying to do this. I want a connection and support she will say, not fixing.

To me fixing is support. To my wife it's patronising.

And there's the rub. I've seen my parents go in to "help" someone - the end result being the person was helped but feels very resentful of that help. Why? Because the spirit of the help comes out of my parents own need, and not out of love for the person. I've come to the conclusion that it's almost impossible to discern between the two.

Et voila. I feel responsible because of my own hurt and pain. Apparently this is well known and common within psychotherapy. The needy, in order to try and meet their own pain, helps others in pain. It's apparently common that those within the caring professions (therapists, nurses etc.) do their job because they themselves want to be cared for. So - at least I am not alone!

Realising this results in a huge impact on my insides. I want to be healed from my own past hurts. I want to bless others in a completely hands off manner. I want to have the wisdom to know what to do and when to do it. A bit like Jesus Christ in fact, who really did die to save the world but still leaves the decision to follow him to every individual in really quite a low key manner. There is no coercion, no pressure, no tantrums because people turn a blind eye to his help. No weekly fireworks lighting up the evening sky saying "I really am God". That's what I would do. "You, yes you, don't you realise I am God and I died for you?". Zap!

No, instead He just stays in close proximity showering the world with grace even though they don't realise it.

So. I'm not the saviour of the world. I don't need to fix everyone's problems. I don't need to do. I can just be me. And that really is a revelation.