Saviour of the world - and that's just me

There I am, sat in my therapy session, contemplating. And bang. There it is. I feel like I am the saviour of the world. Not THE Saviour you understand, but a saviour none the less. A fixer. One who should be helping others..

I feel responsible for anyone who has a need of any kind. This may be (primarily) financial (not enough money) or physical (ill in some way). Often those with some kind of emotional pain illicits the same reaction from me. I feel responsible, that I have the answer or can help.

My therapist asked me for some examples.

My family for one.

They are a needy bunch - as I have been. Past hurt and pain is wrecking their lives. And wrecking the children too. I explained that I felt that my parents needs were so great that I had given up trying to fix them, but still held out some hope for some of my sisters. Though again, this was a big ask.

Friends.

One of my friends is in dire financial straits. He didn't get a big bonus he's been promised, had to leave the company, didn't get a job for 6 months whilst being ill, then took a job at a considerably lower salary. Result, he's going down almost £2,000 per month (!). His house is on the market and he's desperate to sell. He's just sold subject to contract at £100,000 less than he was originally told it was worth. On top of that he has been paying for solicitors to take his previous company to court. As a friend I have seen the increasing stress levels on him and his family. I offered £2,000 to help out with no strings attached. He was very touched and thankful. Now I'm wondering whether I should give more each month until he has sold the house.

My therapist kept asking me why I felt responsible. How I felt. And wham. Through working through it I realised that I was trying to fix everything/everyone. My wife constantly gets annoyed with me for trying to do this. I want a connection and support she will say, not fixing.

To me fixing is support. To my wife it's patronising.

And there's the rub. I've seen my parents go in to "help" someone - the end result being the person was helped but feels very resentful of that help. Why? Because the spirit of the help comes out of my parents own need, and not out of love for the person. I've come to the conclusion that it's almost impossible to discern between the two.

Et voila. I feel responsible because of my own hurt and pain. Apparently this is well known and common within psychotherapy. The needy, in order to try and meet their own pain, helps others in pain. It's apparently common that those within the caring professions (therapists, nurses etc.) do their job because they themselves want to be cared for. So - at least I am not alone!

Realising this results in a huge impact on my insides. I want to be healed from my own past hurts. I want to bless others in a completely hands off manner. I want to have the wisdom to know what to do and when to do it. A bit like Jesus Christ in fact, who really did die to save the world but still leaves the decision to follow him to every individual in really quite a low key manner. There is no coercion, no pressure, no tantrums because people turn a blind eye to his help. No weekly fireworks lighting up the evening sky saying "I really am God". That's what I would do. "You, yes you, don't you realise I am God and I died for you?". Zap!

No, instead He just stays in close proximity showering the world with grace even though they don't realise it.

So. I'm not the saviour of the world. I don't need to fix everyone's problems. I don't need to do. I can just be me. And that really is a revelation.

Update of last 6 months

Here's an excerpt of an email send to a mate in the States...

Things have moved on here at home. So here's the update.

Wife - 18 months into therapy and there are some significant changes taking place. It's been really really tough for her as she has worked through very strong and dark despair, fear and grief. It's been hard for her, and hard for me. But, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free, and we feel that is what therapy is doing for both of us. What's so special is that the truth is applied or revealed with such grace. Grace. I feel like I am starting to understand through experience what grace is and does.

Me - apart from my own therapy which is really making a difference to me (see my blog), I have as of last week started a 3-6 month sabbatical. I will work at most 1 day a week - though in reality it will be less than that. The sales director is working out well, and I've promoted the guy into the operations director role. I've offered them share options provided they buy some of my wife's shares at market value. It's great being able to take some time out to recover!

Girls - 15 and 12. I still find it hard not to react in some of the ways my dad did, so some more gracious truth to seep into my being there. But they are doing well.

House - the project is almost coming to an end now (seven months!). I'm sat in our new garden room enjoying the log fire :) We still have to decorate and put floors down but the buildings works itself is complete bar some final finishing touches. It looks great! When the scaffolding is down I will send you some photos of before and after.

God - I paused as to what to write here. So much has changed in the last 8 months for me - much of which is on this blog. Needless to say I'm learning that I am not the saviour of the world (the fixer), the strong sense of calling I had was in reality my need for significance/approval, as well as a tonne of other stuff. A huge thing in parallel is grace. Moments of grace. Droplets of grace. Recognising them. Revelling in them. Basking in them. Grace. God's grace. All over, every where. And it's wonderful. I do love God so...

Church - Just before Christmas I decided that I'd had enough of the church we were attending, and for the girls too moved to the church we first started attending when we came to and the same church who had tried to support us when we were planting in . I'm impressed. They are around 350 strong on a Sunday morning with 3-4 church plants elsewhere. Mature leadership, preaching is good and varied, very family orientated. Now to get to know some people for real, so will be trying out a home group next week. My wife hasn't been to church for at least 18 months, but she came with me last Sunday night. Which was great. Her early experience of church was so negative for her (from 18 through our married years) that there's still some baggage to sort through. But God is good.

I sound so positive, and maybe that is a positive trait that can also be a negative one. My wife told me that me being constantly so positive was actually wearing and provided too high a standard for everyone else to live up to. So - I'm still struggling with many things. Just today I feel that I need a buzz/thrill - and it would be so easy to look up some porn later on to give me that. I'm a little bored - but then that's no surprise as I am not working - therefore not doing - therefore where does my sense of achievement come from? As my therapist says - we are human beings, not human doings.

I've still got stuff to work through. I still need more good friends. On the positive side, I have built a good friendship with a chap called here in my village. He is a non Christian - but God's on his case. As a couple we need friends - and we want to actively work on this without me taking over and dominating in some way due to my past templates. I want my wife to feel at home in the right church, I want our girls to really experience God for themselves - and make the right life decisions as a result. I want.. I want.. I want.. I want to be able to enjoy the moment that God has given me. I want to know true liberating freedom. In my every day life.