I'm not a failure!

Yesterday was Thursday and for the first time in a very long time I didn't open my laptop. So I had time to relax, and think. And reflect. And last night, I realised that I have been labouring under the misapprehension that I've been failing. As I looked at this I was astounded, and thought back over the years.

My gaining a degree, my early marriage at 22. my starting work, my developing my career, my utter desire to serve God, giving my all to church, to seeing people becoming Christians, to starting a family, to moving house, to changing jobs to more and more senior roles, moving house again and again, trying at church, starting a church, stopping a church, moving across the country, starting my company, getting it to forty staff, still being married, still having a good relationship with my daughters who are somewhat special, having one or two good friends, living in a lovely house, which we've just spent a fortune extending and adding wow factor... and..

In what sense have I failed?

Ok - so I am exhausted. Looking at what I've been doing along with the drivenness and pain from the past I'm not surprised.

Ok - so I've not been perfect. But then who is? We are still living in a fallen world with mortal bodies which seek to atrophy!

Ok - I've not done what I thought I would. What's new? How many boys want to be space men? So I haven't become the pastor of a large church. There's still time, and even if it never happens God knows and He is the one guiding my steps. I can't do more than that.

I've, as far as I am aware, not held unforgiveness, bitterness or resentment in my heart. I've not, as far as I'm aware, acted out of greed, fear or envy. I've not railed against my parents. I've not had an affair with another woman (physically at least!), I've not stolen, cheated or lied. I've done everything to the best of my ability in the belief that God was my father. I have never wilfully set out to destroy anyone. I genuinely believe that my heart's motivation was right, even if it has strongly been tainted (and at times polluted) by past pain and a lack of wisdom. But hindsight is a great tool, but useless in respect of the decisions that needed to be made at the time.

So how does God see me? That's a more emotional question for me at the moment.

How do I see me? As someone who has a pure heart, who desperately wants to do the right (godly) thing, and will try with all his might to do so. Soft, emotional, passionate, caring, faithful, broken, believing, gentle, patient (getting there), friendly, loving and quite disciplined.

And what's more - I'm not finished! Just because I've been worn down and am exhausted. There's still life in me! As I recover, I sense that I am only half way through. There's more treasure that God has placed deep inside. More energy. Life to be exploited and tamed. What, where and when - only God knows. But I'll be ready when he next leads. But for now, I'm happy to be made to lie beside pastures green..