Why did my dad reject me so?

Ok- so post my therapy session. Focussed on everything I'd posted in my previous post.

He asked me a question based on a previous comment towards the start of my therapy sessions. I'd explained that there were two groups of people, those for me and those against me. He asked me where he was now. I answered that he was on the edge of the group for me. He asked me who else was in that "in" group. And I immediately felt very emotional/upset - as I realised that I feel as if there is no one for me, on my side. And that really upset me. No one. Not God, not my wife, not my parents, no friends. No one was there for me, to help me, to support me, to care for me.

We focussed on that for a while and then he told me that this was a coping mechanism and would change. I didn't get him to start with - so he explained further. Because I'd been rejected as a kid by my father, I know feared that same level of rejection. So I learnt to control my environment (and relationships) hoping against hope that one day someone could accept/love me, but at the same time being scared stiff that if I allowed someone into my inner sanctum they would crush me once again. Thus the real issues with control when I first saw him. Six months in and I am just starting to feel like he's on the periphery of those who are for me. He joked and told me it had taken him nine months to get to a point where he could trust his therapist.

In addition to that, I focussed on the feelings of utter rejection, pain and anger reference my dad's rejection of me. The fact that there was nothing I could do about it, nothing I could do to defend myself, that it was inevitable that I would be crushed on a regular basis - with absolutely naff all I could do about it. And it's so unwarranted. Unjust. Desperate for my dad to say "well done son" and to pick up me and love me unconditionally. Instead I was shit scared. And I use that word in it's rawest sense. Continuously. Whenever I was at home, I never knew when the volcano would blow, when it would spew it's poison ash over me, suffocating me with pain at my tenderest core. Oh how I longed to be loved. Longed to be accepted. Longed to be approved. Yet all the while daring against hope it would be different in the next five minutes, yet being dashed and crushed in equal measure.

Dad - I longed for you to give me something. To accept me. To love me. To be involved with me. To protect me. To sort out the bullies. To be proud of me on my wedding day. To be proud of me when I worked for a church (even if it was for nothing). To be proud of my wife. My girls. Me. Why didn't you? Why couldn't you? Why were you so mean spirited? Why were you so angry with me? Why did you judge me so? Why did you reject me to my core? Why? Why? Why?

So, now. I feel raw. I feel a mix of emotions. Pain, hurt, anger, fragile, hope crushed.

And God - why did you reject me too? I tried to hard. So hard to find acceptance. To do what you wanted. But no. No good. Rejection. Slammed door, in my face. Exhaustion.

Arghhhhhhhhhhh. AAAAAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Groooooooaaaaaaannn.

Pain.