When truth feels like a violation

All my life I have strived to fulfil God's purposes for my life, or at least what I understood of them. Because I was rejected by my father, I was desperate for acceptance. And I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I chose to believe that I was to be someone special in God's eyes (in terms of calling) in order to gain acceptance and significance not only from God (who could be more important), but to an eight year old.. my dad.

And so all my life I have strived. Strived to fulfil this sense of calling upon my life. I prayed and fasted as a kid. I told my friends and enemies about God. I prayed for them. I witnessed to them. I saw some of them make decisions to follow Christ. I prayed for them to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I preached at church. I lead youth groups. I lead worship groups. I attended and lead prayer meetings. I attended and lead bible studies. I lead cell/home groups (the first one I lead when I was 13, and around 15 young people came). I ran youth events with loud music, anointed worship, clear teaching seeing many respond. And yet it wasn't enough. God had called me.

God had called me. He had called me. To live a life worthy of the Lord. And so I strove. Anything which did not fall into the following God camp fell by the way side. Hobbies, friends, wife, girls, me. God first. God second. God third. And when church dumped on me, crushed my hopes by not delivering on promises I was devastated.

But I'm called. I have to do what God wants me to. I should be seeing the lost saved, the deaf hearing, the lame walking, the broken hearted bound. Why am I not? God has called me. I must try harder. The calling is all important. I must not let God down. Try harder. Plant a church. Forget that your wife is falling apart, and that I am exhausted. Run an Alpha course - see people get saved, filled with the Spirit, lives changed. Must do more. Must try harder. Can't continue. Must stop. Stop church plant. My wife falls apart some more. I get more exhausted but am too driven too notice.

Start a business. That must be what God has for me. But it's not full time calling stuff. It doesn't compute. Why am I doing this when I should be working for God full time? My business is successful, I am totally way out knackered. My body starts to complain. I get IBS - can't eat normal foods, can't exercise, can't do normal things due to something the doctor calls chronic fatigue. My wife has had enough and as she's totally hemmed in on all sides to the extent that she's overcome with anxiety and panic attacks she starts seeing a therapist. I'm forced to cut down on hours, start seeking God for who is he, and I start this blog. The rest is history (in the making).

And now, but yesterday as I was driving and talking to my wife - I realise. A deep down explosion. Talking more this morning and it's as if a deep down violation occurs - beating against the sea defences of my soul. It was you that wanted the calling - it's not God's doing.

I feel as if I am about to give birth to a still born at full term.

Dark, deathly, grief. Exhaustion, relief and explosions. You mean it was me? I looked for it because I needed to find significance? True acceptance. Needed to believe I was important? Needed to know I mattered. I did all that, for that? I ran myself ragged, for that? I impacted everything around me, for that? Can't be. God called me, and to do anything other than follow God would be a violation on an eternal scale. That's what it has felt like. That's why I have been trying to square a circle. That's why I am so driven.

This can not be God. This can only be me. God would not push me into a corner like that. He is truth, grace and mercy - and love. And that is not love. No. That's me. That's my need. That's my pain. That's me trying to come to terms with my rejection, and to find a substitute. And what a substitute. Very hard to see. Impossible. But by grace..

This is going to take me some time to think through, and allow my emotions to catch up. So I see a ray of gracious sunshine imploding on my soul. But right now it feels dark, dank, deathly and wanting to vomit.