About 12 months ago I realised that not every one (strangers) disliked me. In fact, they had no feelings either way about me. I couldn't understand why this was such a revelation to me.
Fast forward to last Saturday. I was shopping for myself and on my own on and I came to a painful conclusion. The reason I thought that people (strangers) didn't like me was because my dad told me that. I picked up the strong message that he didn't like me, and because he didn't like me I didn't expect anyone else to like me either.
Why didn't I think he liked me? Because he bullied, dominated and frightened me. No wonder I was bullied at school too.
Then a second terrible thought hit me. I'm absolutely paranoid about whether my wife accepts me or not. When I am with her I constantly monitor her body language to see whether she's accepting or rejecting me. And I mean constantly. I am absolutely desperate for her acceptance and fear her rejection more than anything else.
Not pleasant for my wife, and means that I can't be me.
Why am I like that? Because of my dad. And it hurts.
And because he bullied me so much, any situation I find myself in where someone else wants to do something I am not sure my defence mechanism kicks in to protect me from being dominated. Typically I dominate back, or pour scorn, reject or whatever other weapon I have in my arsenal to ensure that I am not dominated. This has meant that everyone time my wife has wanted to do something which doesn't match what I think - I have effectively stopped her - thus robbing her of her life. In other words, what my dad did to me I now do to her.
So I find myself in this crazy place where I need acceptance from, fear/expect rejection and end up dominating those I love.
And dealing with that hurts like crazy... Who said therapy was easy?
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