Finding grace - so amazing.

I remember sitting on the front row, crying. The pastor of the church was preaching. Quite why I was crying I couldn't figure out - as I knew his subject inside out. But crying I was. It was as if whilst speaking on the subject of grace he was speaking directly to my insides - but my intellect wasn't having any of it.

Twenty years on and I feel that I am just starting to get the first tantalising glimpses of grace. And again, it's at a heart rather than intellect level.

Grace didn't exist in my upbringing. To me it was a law of grace. Striving to do what only God could do - and centred on gifts of the spirit, faith, worship and somehow powering through difficult times as if in possession of a hover board. Emotions and feelings didn't come into it. It was living for God. Regardless of the mind or heart. It was, as I've written previously, all about doing rather than being. And I excelled. There was no one more 'spiritual' than me.

And now I find myself on a journey as though through an orchard, catching glimpses of fruits previously forbidden. It takes my breath away. A glimpse of eternity, in the here and now. The sun warming my face. Taking a photo perched on the side of a rock. Walking by a stream. There it is. Grace in all it's unbridled glory, warming my soul. Filling me with life. Time coming to a standstill whilst my heart beats in praise of the creator. And the difference is grace first, creator second. That's not something I've ever understood before, and even now my intellect wants to overrule. But I'm learning that life isn't what I thought it was.

Previously it was laws, rules, have tos, how do Is.. What does God want me to do? How does he want me to do it? How can I do it better? That's not good enough, try harder. And, as I'm learning it so often does, it comes down to my own relationship with my father. I did not get the message that he loved me for who I was. In fact I lived in fear of him. And to try and please him (as a child it is not possible to think that it is your parents who are wrong) I simply tried harder. "See dad, look how hard I am trying to win your love and acceptance..". Yet the praise never came.

Hardly any wonder I turned out as I did. Driven. Desperate to please. Trying harder. And no time or understanding to reflect on those moments which refract the beauty and glory of an all loving
and compassionate God into my little inconsequential life. And yet, as I catch those reflected moments of amazing glory I think "Grace! Thank you..."