Company, rejection, anger, pain

I made a decision ten days ago that I would step out of the business for 3-6 months and allow two key managers (Ops Director and Sales Director) to run the business in my absence. They would get shares for doing this successfully. The reason being as I have already described, I'm knackered, and need time to reflect, work through some of my pains and recovery physically.

Ten days ago, my wife too was having a torrid time. She was dealing with some really painful childhood stuff (therefore thankfully and mercifully not directed at me). She feels that I am not listening to my body which is why I am still working.

I have now spoken to my directors to be, and of course things are not quite so simple. We are not (as a company) really big enough (nor have the cash/profits) to enable me to do this. There are some fairly big obstacles in the way which need me to resolve. I can reduce the amount of time at work, and they are bought into the directors with shares bit (as I thought they would be).

So, some more stuff to work out.

Then there's me. I feel as if I am walking about with a deep volcano of anger, along with a constant checking for rejection. Because my dad was liable to erupt at any time, we walked around as if on egg shells. I became highly tuned to his moods, his sighs, his outbursts, his words, his inflections, his face, his body posture. Just recently I saw a photo of my dad at a wedding I had not attended, but could see from his body posture exactly what was going on - and it wasn't good. So, it's like I have a radar on constant alert checking I'm not about to be pulverised by my dad. This has now transferred onto my wife. If she sighs, my insides feel like they've been blenderised. I take that I've done something wrong. I go into defence mode and feel the rejection acutely.

So clearly that is affecting me, my core me, and my relationship with my wife whom I love dearly. That added to what she is working through means that things are not very nice at home at the moment. We are both working through deep stuff, which takes time, is not pleasant, hurts, and being human we throw at each other in our own ways.

Ho-hum. Seeing the therapist this afternoon, and I know that I need to allow myself to feel the pain of my dad rejecting me so acutely, with the resulting impact on me. That's where the anger comes from - as I in effect seek to live my life in such a way to ensure I don't get rejected by those from whom I crave love from the most - so I feel as if I am constantly trying to please others, but all the time doing so because I fear rejection. But the constantly trying to please others also results in anger as I never can. Especially when my wife tells me I'm not supporting her. That's probably terrible english but I don't care.

In summary - I fear rejection, am sensitive to anything which may look like rejection, desperately try to please those who I love, which means I'm not living for me, which results in anger and exhaustion. It's also not nice for my wife who lives with my constant need for acceptance..