Why did my dad reject me so?

Ok- so post my therapy session. Focussed on everything I'd posted in my previous post.

He asked me a question based on a previous comment towards the start of my therapy sessions. I'd explained that there were two groups of people, those for me and those against me. He asked me where he was now. I answered that he was on the edge of the group for me. He asked me who else was in that "in" group. And I immediately felt very emotional/upset - as I realised that I feel as if there is no one for me, on my side. And that really upset me. No one. Not God, not my wife, not my parents, no friends. No one was there for me, to help me, to support me, to care for me.

We focussed on that for a while and then he told me that this was a coping mechanism and would change. I didn't get him to start with - so he explained further. Because I'd been rejected as a kid by my father, I know feared that same level of rejection. So I learnt to control my environment (and relationships) hoping against hope that one day someone could accept/love me, but at the same time being scared stiff that if I allowed someone into my inner sanctum they would crush me once again. Thus the real issues with control when I first saw him. Six months in and I am just starting to feel like he's on the periphery of those who are for me. He joked and told me it had taken him nine months to get to a point where he could trust his therapist.

In addition to that, I focussed on the feelings of utter rejection, pain and anger reference my dad's rejection of me. The fact that there was nothing I could do about it, nothing I could do to defend myself, that it was inevitable that I would be crushed on a regular basis - with absolutely naff all I could do about it. And it's so unwarranted. Unjust. Desperate for my dad to say "well done son" and to pick up me and love me unconditionally. Instead I was shit scared. And I use that word in it's rawest sense. Continuously. Whenever I was at home, I never knew when the volcano would blow, when it would spew it's poison ash over me, suffocating me with pain at my tenderest core. Oh how I longed to be loved. Longed to be accepted. Longed to be approved. Yet all the while daring against hope it would be different in the next five minutes, yet being dashed and crushed in equal measure.

Dad - I longed for you to give me something. To accept me. To love me. To be involved with me. To protect me. To sort out the bullies. To be proud of me on my wedding day. To be proud of me when I worked for a church (even if it was for nothing). To be proud of my wife. My girls. Me. Why didn't you? Why couldn't you? Why were you so mean spirited? Why were you so angry with me? Why did you judge me so? Why did you reject me to my core? Why? Why? Why?

So, now. I feel raw. I feel a mix of emotions. Pain, hurt, anger, fragile, hope crushed.

And God - why did you reject me too? I tried to hard. So hard to find acceptance. To do what you wanted. But no. No good. Rejection. Slammed door, in my face. Exhaustion.

Arghhhhhhhhhhh. AAAAAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Groooooooaaaaaaannn.

Pain.

Company, rejection, anger, pain

I made a decision ten days ago that I would step out of the business for 3-6 months and allow two key managers (Ops Director and Sales Director) to run the business in my absence. They would get shares for doing this successfully. The reason being as I have already described, I'm knackered, and need time to reflect, work through some of my pains and recovery physically.

Ten days ago, my wife too was having a torrid time. She was dealing with some really painful childhood stuff (therefore thankfully and mercifully not directed at me). She feels that I am not listening to my body which is why I am still working.

I have now spoken to my directors to be, and of course things are not quite so simple. We are not (as a company) really big enough (nor have the cash/profits) to enable me to do this. There are some fairly big obstacles in the way which need me to resolve. I can reduce the amount of time at work, and they are bought into the directors with shares bit (as I thought they would be).

So, some more stuff to work out.

Then there's me. I feel as if I am walking about with a deep volcano of anger, along with a constant checking for rejection. Because my dad was liable to erupt at any time, we walked around as if on egg shells. I became highly tuned to his moods, his sighs, his outbursts, his words, his inflections, his face, his body posture. Just recently I saw a photo of my dad at a wedding I had not attended, but could see from his body posture exactly what was going on - and it wasn't good. So, it's like I have a radar on constant alert checking I'm not about to be pulverised by my dad. This has now transferred onto my wife. If she sighs, my insides feel like they've been blenderised. I take that I've done something wrong. I go into defence mode and feel the rejection acutely.

So clearly that is affecting me, my core me, and my relationship with my wife whom I love dearly. That added to what she is working through means that things are not very nice at home at the moment. We are both working through deep stuff, which takes time, is not pleasant, hurts, and being human we throw at each other in our own ways.

Ho-hum. Seeing the therapist this afternoon, and I know that I need to allow myself to feel the pain of my dad rejecting me so acutely, with the resulting impact on me. That's where the anger comes from - as I in effect seek to live my life in such a way to ensure I don't get rejected by those from whom I crave love from the most - so I feel as if I am constantly trying to please others, but all the time doing so because I fear rejection. But the constantly trying to please others also results in anger as I never can. Especially when my wife tells me I'm not supporting her. That's probably terrible english but I don't care.

In summary - I fear rejection, am sensitive to anything which may look like rejection, desperately try to please those who I love, which means I'm not living for me, which results in anger and exhaustion. It's also not nice for my wife who lives with my constant need for acceptance..

When truth feels like a violation

All my life I have strived to fulfil God's purposes for my life, or at least what I understood of them. Because I was rejected by my father, I was desperate for acceptance. And I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I chose to believe that I was to be someone special in God's eyes (in terms of calling) in order to gain acceptance and significance not only from God (who could be more important), but to an eight year old.. my dad.

And so all my life I have strived. Strived to fulfil this sense of calling upon my life. I prayed and fasted as a kid. I told my friends and enemies about God. I prayed for them. I witnessed to them. I saw some of them make decisions to follow Christ. I prayed for them to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I preached at church. I lead youth groups. I lead worship groups. I attended and lead prayer meetings. I attended and lead bible studies. I lead cell/home groups (the first one I lead when I was 13, and around 15 young people came). I ran youth events with loud music, anointed worship, clear teaching seeing many respond. And yet it wasn't enough. God had called me.

God had called me. He had called me. To live a life worthy of the Lord. And so I strove. Anything which did not fall into the following God camp fell by the way side. Hobbies, friends, wife, girls, me. God first. God second. God third. And when church dumped on me, crushed my hopes by not delivering on promises I was devastated.

But I'm called. I have to do what God wants me to. I should be seeing the lost saved, the deaf hearing, the lame walking, the broken hearted bound. Why am I not? God has called me. I must try harder. The calling is all important. I must not let God down. Try harder. Plant a church. Forget that your wife is falling apart, and that I am exhausted. Run an Alpha course - see people get saved, filled with the Spirit, lives changed. Must do more. Must try harder. Can't continue. Must stop. Stop church plant. My wife falls apart some more. I get more exhausted but am too driven too notice.

Start a business. That must be what God has for me. But it's not full time calling stuff. It doesn't compute. Why am I doing this when I should be working for God full time? My business is successful, I am totally way out knackered. My body starts to complain. I get IBS - can't eat normal foods, can't exercise, can't do normal things due to something the doctor calls chronic fatigue. My wife has had enough and as she's totally hemmed in on all sides to the extent that she's overcome with anxiety and panic attacks she starts seeing a therapist. I'm forced to cut down on hours, start seeking God for who is he, and I start this blog. The rest is history (in the making).

And now, but yesterday as I was driving and talking to my wife - I realise. A deep down explosion. Talking more this morning and it's as if a deep down violation occurs - beating against the sea defences of my soul. It was you that wanted the calling - it's not God's doing.

I feel as if I am about to give birth to a still born at full term.

Dark, deathly, grief. Exhaustion, relief and explosions. You mean it was me? I looked for it because I needed to find significance? True acceptance. Needed to believe I was important? Needed to know I mattered. I did all that, for that? I ran myself ragged, for that? I impacted everything around me, for that? Can't be. God called me, and to do anything other than follow God would be a violation on an eternal scale. That's what it has felt like. That's why I have been trying to square a circle. That's why I am so driven.

This can not be God. This can only be me. God would not push me into a corner like that. He is truth, grace and mercy - and love. And that is not love. No. That's me. That's my need. That's my pain. That's me trying to come to terms with my rejection, and to find a substitute. And what a substitute. Very hard to see. Impossible. But by grace..

This is going to take me some time to think through, and allow my emotions to catch up. So I see a ray of gracious sunshine imploding on my soul. But right now it feels dark, dank, deathly and wanting to vomit.

Finding grace - so amazing.

I remember sitting on the front row, crying. The pastor of the church was preaching. Quite why I was crying I couldn't figure out - as I knew his subject inside out. But crying I was. It was as if whilst speaking on the subject of grace he was speaking directly to my insides - but my intellect wasn't having any of it.

Twenty years on and I feel that I am just starting to get the first tantalising glimpses of grace. And again, it's at a heart rather than intellect level.

Grace didn't exist in my upbringing. To me it was a law of grace. Striving to do what only God could do - and centred on gifts of the spirit, faith, worship and somehow powering through difficult times as if in possession of a hover board. Emotions and feelings didn't come into it. It was living for God. Regardless of the mind or heart. It was, as I've written previously, all about doing rather than being. And I excelled. There was no one more 'spiritual' than me.

And now I find myself on a journey as though through an orchard, catching glimpses of fruits previously forbidden. It takes my breath away. A glimpse of eternity, in the here and now. The sun warming my face. Taking a photo perched on the side of a rock. Walking by a stream. There it is. Grace in all it's unbridled glory, warming my soul. Filling me with life. Time coming to a standstill whilst my heart beats in praise of the creator. And the difference is grace first, creator second. That's not something I've ever understood before, and even now my intellect wants to overrule. But I'm learning that life isn't what I thought it was.

Previously it was laws, rules, have tos, how do Is.. What does God want me to do? How does he want me to do it? How can I do it better? That's not good enough, try harder. And, as I'm learning it so often does, it comes down to my own relationship with my father. I did not get the message that he loved me for who I was. In fact I lived in fear of him. And to try and please him (as a child it is not possible to think that it is your parents who are wrong) I simply tried harder. "See dad, look how hard I am trying to win your love and acceptance..". Yet the praise never came.

Hardly any wonder I turned out as I did. Driven. Desperate to please. Trying harder. And no time or understanding to reflect on those moments which refract the beauty and glory of an all loving
and compassionate God into my little inconsequential life. And yet, as I catch those reflected moments of amazing glory I think "Grace! Thank you..."

And the company - can I turn it around?

So - amid everything there is of course the company. Two months to year end, and we're making a healthy loss. I had sincerely hoped to have turned the corner by now. I calculated I've invested over £500,000 this year alone in trying to grow it to the next level, and although I believe it's coming (I'm an optimist) it hasn't yet. I reckon that without trying to capitalise various development work which I doubt will come off we could be as much as £270k loss. Even if I allow for paying myself in dividends from last year's profits, I still make a sizeable loss :( That will be a first for the company in over 10 years.

So why have I invested so much? Why have I taken on senior managers, invested in new systems, new consultants, marketing - because I'm not happy with a £2m company - that's why. I want a £5m company. The big question is will I get there.

Each month I hope for better, and yet am dashed. Another loss. So - can I do it? Can I turn it around. Do I have the skills, the management know how, the understanding to make next year a bumper year (which I need regardless of whether I sell it or not!). It involves making tough decisions, standing by your gut (don't change direction in a storm), and belief. Trust too - trust that the guys I've taken on will take the company onto the next level. So, trust, belief, and uncertainty.

I guess only time will tell if I can. If I do - it will be a huge confidence boost as I will have learnt not only how to start a successful business, but also how to grow it to the next stage by putting in place a strong management team. I will feel enormously proud of that achievement, and feel that I can take confidence in myself - that I can make the right calls and see something through to completion. If I fail now, I will know what I always knew - namely that I can start things but not keep them going.

So, taking bets - what do you reckon?

God, am I allowed to enjoy life?

God - is it ok for me to live life to the full if it doesn't involve church, ministry or generally doing all those things I have been taught one should as a Christian?

• Can I go travelling the world without justifying it by turning it into a missionary trip?
• Can I buy a house without thinking whether I can fit a church group in the front room?
• Can I plan my weekends to go walking, sailing, skiing without needing to go to church?
• Can I sell my company then live on a farm without needing to give my money to the poor?
• Can I enjoy friendships without trying to make them Christians?
• Can I enjoy fine wines, nice cars, good clothes, without needing to justify them in some way?
• Do I need to fulfil a NT law (die, go, give) in order to receive a "Well done thou good and faithful servant"?

Or does life mean some pious pharisaical life filled with trying to match up, trying to fulfil the law of grace and mercy. Does it mean always feeling guilty because I'm earning money in a job I enjoy rather than ministering in a church? Does it mean bringing up my family around the disciplines of church (Sunday, mid week, youth, prayer, weekends away) rather than the joy of life? Can I spend money on high end cameras to take average photos - or should this money be given to the poor? Can I enjoy friendships with free masons without having to take every opportunity to tell them the error of their ways? Can I spend serious money on ponds full of Koi carp rather than sending the same money to afar off missionaries? Can I sell a company then work out what to do next regardless of what it is, or on selling the company should I look to see how I can "be used by God".

God, I'm confused. I was brought up being taught that I should do all of the above. That my life was dead, and I should only live to you - meaning doing all these things. But I can't. I can't match up. I can't do it. And yet I feel guilty. Lord - release me to know what you meant when you said you will have life, and life in all it's fullness, because right now I'm falling well short..

My defenses which protected now hurt

About 12 months ago I realised that not every one (strangers) disliked me. In fact, they had no feelings either way about me. I couldn't understand why this was such a revelation to me.

Fast forward to last Saturday. I was shopping for myself and on my own on and I came to a painful conclusion. The reason I thought that people (strangers) didn't like me was because my dad told me that. I picked up the strong message that he didn't like me, and because he didn't like me I didn't expect anyone else to like me either.

Why didn't I think he liked me? Because he bullied, dominated and frightened me. No wonder I was bullied at school too.

Then a second terrible thought hit me. I'm absolutely paranoid about whether my wife accepts me or not. When I am with her I constantly monitor her body language to see whether she's accepting or rejecting me. And I mean constantly. I am absolutely desperate for her acceptance and fear her rejection more than anything else.

Not pleasant for my wife, and means that I can't be me.

Why am I like that? Because of my dad. And it hurts.

And because he bullied me so much, any situation I find myself in where someone else wants to do something I am not sure my defence mechanism kicks in to protect me from being dominated. Typically I dominate back, or pour scorn, reject or whatever other weapon I have in my arsenal to ensure that I am not dominated. This has meant that everyone time my wife has wanted to do something which doesn't match what I think - I have effectively stopped her - thus robbing her of her life. In other words, what my dad did to me I now do to her.

So I find myself in this crazy place where I need acceptance from, fear/expect rejection and end up dominating those I love.

And dealing with that hurts like crazy... Who said therapy was easy?