So this is vulnerability.. & it's mighty vulnerable!

Last week was a week where I really touched the inside of me, maybe for the first time. After working through many painful realisations (home truths) about myself and those who nurtured me, I came to a point where I realised that when all is stripped away, I'm pretty vulnerable.

Due to past hurts I have put in place coping mechanisms to try and protect the inner me. These are in operation 24x7. Examples include;

• Ensuring that others can't bully me, can't put me down - means I take control. Taking control means I don't see others for who they are, I just need to ensure they can't hurt me.
  
• To ensure I don't submit to my dad, or be like my dad - I have to fight the system. So I drive fast, don't queue and generally refuse to do what others see as normal. Thus my drivenness.
  
• Because I don't want to be my parents, and because I am desperate for acceptance, I try really hard. And I mean really, really hard. At everything. Being a husband. A dad. Being me. Being a christian. And it's worn me out, given me IBS, means I can only work 3 days. But it also means that I am not real. As I try so hard to please others , I don't know who I am.
• I don't know who I am, so I try really hard to please. See above! It's wearing for my wife who is married to someone who just wants to please, but doesn't have his own mind. Ask me where to go for holiday, what car to buy or what clothes look good and I'm blank. Tell me you have a problem and I'll sort it out.
  

And when all these defensive/coping mechanisms are removed, what's left?

Now for me, right now, that's a scary proposition. As I feel that what's left is something really small, frightened, vulnerable and utterly unsure as to what to do. It's as if all the rules I've lived by, that have sustained me, and got me to where I have got to - are wrong. That's a scary place as I don't trust myself at this moment. My wife as well as my therapist tell me that it's now a matter of nurturing my true self, and I agree.. but it's still scary.

If you can imagine a boy born to be a warrior who has been brought up in armour all his life, then at the age of 39 choosing to take it off mid battle. How exposed would he feel?

That's me.

And yet it feels liberating. Oh, when this all hit me last week I cried like a baby for 1.5 hours. It is so painful. So raw. Yet so wonderful.

I now ask myself, is that my brain (coping mechanism) or heart saying that?

• I want to love my wife with my heart (passion) rather than because it's the right thing to do (trying hard).
• I want to be a wonderful chilled dad (love) rather than because I need to be a brilliant dad (trying hard)
• I want to be the real me (heart) rather than living a lie based on the past (try harder).
• I just want to be free.

He who the Son sets free is free indeed.. what freedom that must be. It would be to die for...