One of the things I thought about a bit over Christmas was my company, and whether I'd sell it. And it's been a recurring theme since.
So here's the pros/cons of selling;
Pros;
- I get a wad of money (though not as much as if I kept it for longer)
- I get a load of time (to spend as I want)
- I would be able to support my wife in her desire to buy a farm
- My wife would love me to do it
- I would have time (did I mention that?)
- I would be able to recover physically, and get fit again
- I would be able to take time out to visit/support missionaries/churches abroad
- I would be able to develop new bits of me
Cons
- I would lose my company
- I would not be in charge anymore
- What would I do?
- I would miss the social interaction
- If I sell now, I wouldn't get anywhere near as much money as if I held onto it for 1-3 years. (I've built the company with no intention of selling, so it has the foundations to go on and grow)
- I could get the management team to run the company giving me time, but not oodles of cash
I'm starting to struggle with motivation. I enjoy strategy and strategic meetings. But I've run out of motivation to get involved in detail. I'm really acting as a part time Managing Director, working three days. But I'm doing this blog at work right now because I want to do this more.
I'm putting steps into place to promote someone into the role of Operations Director, and I have a great Sales Director. Over time the Sales Director could become MD, thus I become Chairman.
But how much of this is about ego? And what price freedom?
Last week was a week where I really touched the inside of me, maybe for the first time. After working through many painful realisations (home truths) about myself and those who nurtured me, I came to a point where I realised that when all is stripped away, I'm pretty vulnerable.
Due to past hurts I have put in place coping mechanisms to try and protect the inner me. These are in operation 24x7. Examples include;
- Ensuring that others can't bully me, can't put me down - means I take control. Taking control means I don't see others for who they are, I just need to ensure they can't hurt me.
- To ensure I don't submit to my dad, or be like my dad - I have to fight the system. So I drive fast, don't queue and generally refuse to do what others see as normal. Thus my drivenness.
- Because I don't want to be my parents, and because I am desperate for acceptance, I try really hard. And I mean really, really hard. At everything. Being a husband. A dad. Being me. Being a christian. And it's worn me out, given me IBS, means I can only work 3 days. But it also means that I am not real. As I try so hard to please others , I don't know who I am.
- I don't know who I am, so I try really hard to please. See above! It's wearing for my wife who is married to someone who just wants to please, but doesn't have his own mind. Ask me where to go for holiday, what car to buy or what clothes look good and I'm blank. Tell me you have a problem and I'll sort it out.
And when all these defensive/coping mechanisms are removed, what's left?
Now for me, right now, that's a scary proposition. As I feel that what's left is something really small, frightened, vulnerable and utterly unsure as to what to do. It's as if all the rules I've lived by, that have sustained me, and got me to where I have got to - are wrong. That's a scary place as I don't trust myself at this moment. My wife as well as my therapist tell me that it's now a matter of nurturing my true self, and I agree.. but it's still scary.
If you can imagine a boy born to be a warrior who has been brought up in armour all his life, then at the age of 39 choosing to take it off mid battle. How exposed would he feel?
That's me.
And yet it feels liberating. Oh, when this all hit me last week I cried like a baby for 1.5 hours. It is so painful. So raw. Yet so wonderful.
I now ask myself, is that my brain (coping mechanism) or heart saying that?
- I want to love my wife with my heart (passion) rather than because it's the right thing to do (trying hard).
- I want to be a wonderful chilled dad (love) rather than because I need to be a brilliant dad (trying hard)
- I want to be the real me (heart) rather than living a lie based on the past (try harder).
- I just want to be free.
He who the Son sets free is free indeed.. what freedom that must be. It would be to die for...
OK - so what do I want to achieve in 2008?
Friendships
Deeper friendships, and with more people. My wife and I have agreed on a list of people (3-4 couples) we jointly want to get to know better. In addition I want to have more male friends whom I see regularly.
Church
We are kind of in between churches at the moment - for all sorts of reasons. I want the girls to be in a strong godly youth group with good Christian friends. My wife and I want to be in a strong homegroup building good relationships.
Company
Releasing more time and money than it is at the moment. (I currently take 1.5 days off a week).
Family
More quality time as a family, demonstrated by;
- Doing more things as a family (walks, holidays, events/trips - quality)
- Me spending more quality one on one time with each of my girls (e.g. going climbing with them)
- Fun times together
Wife
To find a greater degree of fulfilment - being able to really enjoy life.
Me
To continue to develop me - in terms of non "there's only one way to do everything, and it has to fit with God's will" type stuff. I.e. photography, art, music, friendships, enjoying time..
