Christmas - I've struggled

Hmm. Strange that. But I have felt a little out of it over Christmas. Why? I did all the jobs, (cooking, laying table, packing/unpacking dishwasher) - bar after evening meal. I didn't get any presents bar a couple of books and CDs as I asked for cash from my wife for the pond. Throughout the day my wife sat with our girls. They cuddled up to her etc. whilst watching films, opening presents etc. Me? I was to the side. Out of it. And I think that has really hurt.

Who am I? Am I seen as the dad, bar being the ATM and taxi? My youngest is driving me up the wall, as she's so dominating and unpleasant so much of the time (basically any time we ask her to do anything). My oldest is equally in her own world - just not dominating and not unpleasant.

So I feel pulled between who I should be, what they want me to be, I don't want to spend time with my youngest when she's like this. I want to spend time with my oldest but she doesn't the other way. In fact she shudders at the thought of me hugging her.. which isn't pleasant. Though I kind of understand as I used to do the same with my dad. So does that mean I am my dad? God forbid.

After Christmas and Boxing Day I felt like I needed some external relief. Trying too hard, not getting back what I would like (whether wrong or not), my wife... being my wife. Feel as if I am pulling away. Not able to play with my own toys. We were going to go out with some friends last night but they cancelled. So my wife asks if we still want to go out. Yes says I. Though truth be told I didn't want to.

So my wife dolled herself up, and look just fantastic. I put my suit trousers and shirt on, as it was the only thing I could wear when she looked like that. We went into town, which was dead and half closed. She opened the conversation with telling me, in my opinion, what I was doing wrong. So here I was, didn't really want to be there because of how I already felt, and now my wife is telling me what I am doing wrong. Thanks a lot. I try hard, tell her how I feel, so she tells me that I am not offering sparkling conversation. We end early, head home. She walks in, gets her pjs on and goes to bed. This morning she tells me that I am in the dog house. I try talking about it, and she tells me it's because I am selfish. That I can't do things for other people without needing a return within a short period of time. I feel that she is over reacting, that she has too high an expectation of what I will be like, and what could she expect if I was feeling the way I was?

Then I feel bad and guilty, I'm getting it wrong. And it descends into crapness. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on things. Just when I thought that things were going well. I feel like I've got it wrong. For me to feel blah means I've got it wrong.

So what if I haven't got it wrong? What if Christmas just presses an old template, and I've been trying to fight my way through it. What if I was trying last night, despite how I feel, to go out with my wife? What if I was pushing through my blahness? What if I value my wife so highly that when she expresses displeasure it still cuts me like a knife?

Should I just pull myself together? Slap myself? Get a grip man?

So - reread. What was going on? My wife felt I was pulling away, she feels hurt. She tries to express how she feels about me, and what was going on. I take it as a rebuke, I've got it wrong. I descend into an old tailspin of right and wrong, with lashings of guilt.

What did my wife want? To be close to me. To have a good time.

Was she interested in how I was feeling? Hmmm. Yes and no. She was, but didn't want to do the work for me, I.e. she wanted me to work it our for myself, though she'd be supportive in the process.

What did I want? To have some "me" time. Ideally get out and see someone else.

Was I interested in how my wife was feeling? Hmm. Yes and no! I couldn't handle any sense of rejection from her. Any sense of the fact that I was getting something wrong.

So - really, looking back I'd have been better going out, even if it was Boxing Day. If that wasn't possible I should have not gone out with my wife as I wasn't up to it (though thought I could work through it, or that my wife would be too rejected if I said no - which she would have been).

I was feeling blah, for whatever reason, and feared my wife making it worse. I'm sorry for that.

So - two issues;

1. I felt blah - why?
2. When I felt blah I was extra defensive.

Things seem to sorting themselves..

Well I have to say that I think things are, finally, slotting into place..

Work wise I'm pretty convinced now that I will be offering the guys to buy as many shares as they can buy off my wife. That will hopefully give my wife some decent money to enable her to at least feel free from the company and do something at least.. I will also feel that I am allowing they guys to buy in, thus I feel as if I am delivering on an unspoken promise. Further, it gives time for the market to recover (credit crunch, no cash anywhere, worldwide recession) and for the company to grow - something which I think is entirely doable.

Personally - well.. I was exhausted over the last week and put this down to; overdoing it at the gym, being in a spin about the company and what I should do, consecutive late nights (I.e. not enough sleep) as well as supporting my wife as she works through the core stuff of her therapy.. really that is quite a lot.

I still fear getting it wrong, but confidence is, I think, continuing to grow.

I spoke for about 45 minutes to my mum last night which went ok. I was honest, the most honest I've ever been with her - about dad and about her. About me, therapy etc. I've agreed to meet with her so will see how that goes. My wife said that I still had a strange tone when I spoke to her, which I think must be because I'm still trying to stay in control. I think I am successful if I don't show any emotion. So, when I meet her, I must not be afraid to show my anger, frustration, emotions etc... that will be a test

What I need to ensure I do not do is that I think I have "got it wrong". In other words when I realise that there is an area for me to improve in, or my wife points something out, my insides try to tie themselves into a knot. NO says I, polo mints, this does not mean I am wrong, and bad and evil..!!!

Maybe I shouldn't sell!

I tell you, this is confusing. Six months ago I came to the conclusion that I should sell. That was after much soul searching and heart ache on my part. Wanting to be supportive to my wife - her being desperate to move on and start a new eco tourist farm project. Three weeks ago I wobbled when my wife said that I should do what I wanted to - not because of my wife.. I felt like I ran into a road block. For four days I ached in my mind, but came to the conclusion that I was an entrepreneur by nature and therefore couldn't go back.

And then the last couple of days, after spending an afternoon with my sales director, and I did a review with my operations direction, I realised that I love these guys. I enjoy spending time with them. They are good guys, utterly trustworthy. They have given of their all for me so that I could have a sabbatical.

And I got to thinking. I hated my company in the end because I was involved in so much detail. I'd been desperate to get a management team in place in order to free me. I have achieved that. Do I want to throw that away, sell the company for less than I think it's worth (and it wouldn't allow my wife to do all that she wants, and I've have to go back to work to earn a good wage), and start again with a new venture with little or no money??

Or do I want to see if I can help grow the company onto the next level. I've got really good managers, a team I trust, a company that has real potential to grow doing what it does very well. I have great resource in other words, a great foundation to push on and grow the company, as well as the profits (actually we need to make a profit but that's a different point).

What is it I do well?

• I can sell. It's built into me because people trust me, why? Because I'm a nice guy who is trustable. It's my character.
• I envision, inspire confidence, people want to follow me - why? Because I'm charismatic, optimistic, and can't see no.
• I carry through - usually, when I start something, I follow through. I'm dependable, honest and trustworthy.

So, because of who I am, a man of intrinsic worth, people trust me and will buy from me. They will follow me. My style of leadership is very open, accountable to those I work with. I love a challenge. I believe I can, and my confidence is infectious. What's better, I believe we, in the sense of the company, can. We have a great team.

What's the challenge.

First - get the company into profit as soon as possible
Two - grow the profits to give us a cash deposit, safety net
Three - grow some more whilst living balanced lives

This challenge really excites me.

How do we/I do it?

First - get the two guys to buy as many shares from my wife as possible. This allows my wife to move on
Second - I act as entrepreneurial MD - not hands on. That's better managed by my two guys
Third - I sell, supporting the Sales Director, whilst adding value as MD as the figure head - inspiring confidence within the company.
Fourthly - and crucially - with balance. And I infuse that need for balance into the company as a whole.

What would my targets be?

1. Profitability - each month making money whilst everyone is paid as they ought to be - including me
2. Increase service customers - bigger accounts, which drive pull through services
3. Set a growth and profit target each year. Bonuses/dividends paid on achievement

How would the guys buy in?
1. Utilise what cash they have - I estimate a min of £250k (OD £50k, SD £200k)
2. Remortgage - this is their choice and option to benefit from future growth - another £200k (OD £100k, SD £100k)
3. Through payroll - fore go salary % and instead buy shares (OD)
4. Pay shares from future bonuses, profits

Will this be enough for my wife? We don't know. Maybe go for the DTI loan as well - and use that capital to pay some of the £270k she's owed from shares already sold. That would give her, say, £600k? If I was still earning a decent whack - min £10k/month net provided we are making profits then we would be able to borrow more too for her to do what she wants with (a) farm.

If necessary - would I be willing to sell this house we live in (after all the building works) and buy a semi say to release more money??

Staring failure in the face

So I don't know what to do for the best. Do I sell, when do I sell? Do I try and get all the money I can to allow my wife to buy the farm of her dreams, and spend as much as she needs? That would require around £2.5m. There's not many farms at less than £1.5m. But. If we can only get £1m from the sale of the company (that's in our pockets) then what? She wouldn't be able to buy what she wants, I'd still have to work to earn a good wage, and I would have failed...

Why would I have failed?

Because I was unable to get enough money for my wife. Because I was unable to sell, and therefore grow, the company at a reasonable price. Forget the fact that we are in a credit crunch - farm prices are holding up (and have doubled over the last two years).

So I have failed.

That's what my insides are telling me. Nay screaming at me. I realise, if I can force myself to, that is this an old and antiquated template. One that I should not be living my life by any more. My dad is dead in that regard, as it's the dad from my childhood. It binds me and takes my freedom.

So then my wife asks me whether I want to keep the company as a form of status. To stop me being regular joe, regular ol' me. Regular Mark, with an ok job, an ok car, an ok house, earning an ok salary. Could I do that? Or do I need status to allow me to feel good about myself? A fast car, a nice house, a big salary.. and this is what I have grown to hate for the feelings it arises in me are intense and painful.

But I need to go there, allow myself to feel these feelings and run their course or else I will be forever locked in the past. Never able to live life in the moment, free of guilt and pain and fear..

So. I feel a sense of failure at not being able to sell the company for a wad. At not being able to provide for my wife to buy her farm, and do it up. Such high expectations of myself. Can I ever meet them? Can I ever be free of them?

Living in the moment

Living in the moment.

Apparently I do one and ten very well. I'm just not good at 2-9. I can paint a vision, paint what can be, what will be. But I really struggle making it through the individual steps to get there. The destination, rather than the journey.

Why?

Well. Dad of course. Dad instilled such a fear within me as a kid that when he asked for something, it had to be immediate or face the consequences. I.e. I had to deliver a ten immediately. A two, or four etc. was not good enough and likely to result in a caning. The first time I preached, it had to be perfect. A 10. God's power, anointing, the lost saved, people healed, in depth knowledge of God's ways. No wonder I felt physically sick for the two weeks before my first preach, with my dad sat on the platform behind me with his "Amens".

I had no room for the journey. The journey was what was painful. I hated the journey. Hated out journeys as a family to anywhere. Dad moaning and bitching the whole way. When we got there it continued. I lived in fear, in fact I can feel it now. And it feels horrible. Painful. Lost. Scared. Shitless.

We could never enjoy the journey as a family. Mealtimes - no way. Going to church - crap. Holidays were, from memoy, stressful unless you could escape dad. In fact even the thought of enjoying the journey is laughable. It's just such a non possible event that even the thought is strange and makes me want to laugh.

My therapist would ask why am I laughing. Is it funny. No I would reply, it's not funny, and he would ask me to allow myself to feel the pain.

It was just horrible. Living in constant fear. Constant stress that dad was going to explode, and blame me. I'd get the cop. No, there was nothing nice, enjoyable or desirable about the journey. Get it over as quickly as possible. Get to the end, and make it perfect less it gives dad a reason to explode.

Me and my wife to London today. 134 miles door to door. Into central London. To visit the London Transport Museum (my wife loves old trains). I woke up with a befuddled brain. I drove all the way down in the same manner, befuddled. Not in the moment. Thinking about what I should do about my company. I wasn't able to really connect with her - despite the fact I was trying to coach myself to enjoy the journey, and the time with her.

Journey - not destination. It's what my blog is called! And yet how difficult I find it. I have to be perfect. I have such high expectations of myself. I therefore struggle with other people who are struggling because I want to get them from one to ten. I can't see the middle steps which make life so full and rich.

As I've said, the very thought of enjoying the jouney makes me want to laugh, for it's so absurd.

And it's not my fault. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

The drive was not stressful. I did an average of 80mph on the motorway. Two years ago and earlier, when I was driving down to London and back regularly I would have done 95mph the whole way.. and it would have been very stressful. So I've moved on! Which is great.

But still.

The journey. Why is that so painful? Because I couldn't get it right. I feared getting it wrong. I feared my dad, and his reaction. From a very early age. Right up to the present day. My little child inside of me is still scared stiff of my dad. Just getting in the car was frightening. For so often he would already be in a bad mood. He would shout to get the door closed. Seat belt on. He would screech away, his anger eminating from his every pore, action, silence, brooding, radio volume, everything screaming at me that it was my fault. I had done something wrong. I would be locked in. His stare, facial expressions telling me he was not happy with me, I had done bad, I had done wrong, I was to blame. I would look away, out of the window, but still not able to escape his anger.

Arriving at someone's house was frightening. Would dad continue to be in his bad mood? We would not dare do anything which may be construed as being naughty. Dad would laugh with the person we went to see. We would still be suffering from the anger and mood in the car from the journey. We would be shy, hiding. Knowing that the return journey may be more of the same (though often it probably wasn't).

It was the same if we went to church (3-4 times a week). The anger, the moods, the shouting, the violence, and that was just to leave the house. Oh crap. It was horrible. It was horrible for me, for I felt trapped by it. I took it personally - what else could I do? He took it out on everyone. But I felt it very personally.

It was a feeling of entrapment. I was trapped by dad. I couldn't escape. Couldn't run away. Had no choice or options. His anger would feed my pain. aka I was responsible for his anger. No wonder I couldn't enjoy the journey, for it wasn't about the journey - it was about being perfect. A ten. In all things. So I couldn't just BE, or just have a laugh, or a hobby. I had to be about the things that would mean I was safe, approved by my dad, or at least increase my chances of being so. Thus my all out desire to serve God - for that was one of those areas...

I wonder if I think that I can get the journey wrong - thus the focus on the destination. If the destination is, for example, London. Then if I arrive in London (ir record quick time!) I got it right. But the journey - boy - I can get so many things wrong. I need to go the right way, the quickest, way, the shortest way, with no obstructions, no road works, no traffic jams... is it the same in life? Is that why I fear the journey, and focus on the destination?

What I want, what I enjoy

Not getting to bed till after 12.30am, then being woken up by my 12 year old as she was scared of ghosts at 1.30am didn't help my sleep requirements last night. Felt in a bit of a daze all day, but feeling better now that I've had a 30 min snooze.

Going to gym shortly.

Mix of emotions. I am starting to think seriously once more about whether to return to my company, or whether to sell it and do something new. I met with my sales director for 2 hours yesterday. Now there is someone I could work with. We talked about my ops director - who I am concerned about.

I could so easily return. Swing back in as MD - there'd be bits I'd enjoy. There's be bits that would be challenging. And there'd be bits I wouldn't want to do.

Enjoy - working with, listening to, empowering, vision casting, enabling, selling, potential, increase, bigger

Challenge - working with certain individuals who don't get big picture, getting people to change who want to but can't

Don't want to - get bogged down in detail.

I think that's a pretty good summary of what I want to do, and be involved in. I want to empower, enable and ever increase opportunity. I am challenged by people who want to but can't. I hate detail, business as usual, boring.

My mission statement would therefore be; to always be developing as an individual whilst providing for those closest and dearest to me. I find a good level of challenge and satisfaction within a growing and developing business context, growing and increasing opportunities along with everything that involves.

My values include; honesty, integrity, development, freedom, opportunity, success (within context of other values), work life balance, family, friends, me, God

What I want to achieve before I die; having been the best dad I can be towards my daughters - evidenced by confident, happy, supported girls who are happy being who they were created to be. Having been a supportive and loving husband, evidenced by a confident and happy wife with a great relationship avec moi to boot - still holding hands, having a laugh and being silly in our eighties. Having enjoyed my life, and having achieved my mission, evidenced by a feeling of satisfaction that I achieved what I set out to do, having built things of value and worth (not just cash), and having great relationships and good testimony. Standing before God and hearing him say 'Well done Mark' with a smile on his face.

So - with that in mind, what is it that I want to do? Do I want to go back to my company?

Pros;
I can, I can hit the ground running, I can increase sales, provide direction, improve morale confidence esteem, empower.

Cons;
Working with challenging people (will this be the same whatever I do?), potential long hours (as before), getting stuck (not good), is it a new challenge? Am I the best MD my business can have? Would I be pushing too much rather than focusing on status quo (management rather than entrepreneurial?) #

Those last two pieces are key. Could I do it? Would I want to push the entrepreneurial rather than needing to do business as usual. This would frustrate my team and staff if it's not the right time. We are in a credit crunch, cash is very very tight, profits hard to come by. Can the company afford a fresh injection of energy to push us on if that meant more change and more demands on my staff? This is a serious question.

For me it's a serious question too - as I can't get bogged down. The alternative would be to work there part time (whatever number of days) whilst also doing something else with someone like Karen ref business coaching. Or getting involved in a business turnaround which appeals for all of the cons. The challenging people I would just move aside, and would be out of there within six months anyway.

My wife needs lots of cash to do her farm - and this is the priority. So if I couldn't get the guys to buy in at a decent rate and decent percent then it wouldn't work anyway. If they could - then I have a choice. My wife would need a lot. Ideally £750k. That would give her a 30% deposit on a farm, and leave say £350k cash to do bits up whilst I concentrated on my company and other money earning possibilities.

The other option is just to sell my company, and set up a business coaching/turnaround practice.. Lots of challenge in that, a new start, and lots of cash for my wife. The pressure would be off to start with too - which appeals. I would feel bad ref the guys at my company who hope for a share - but maybe that would be offered by the company who buys us? Provided of course that we can sell in this climate for anything half decent value wise...

Lots to ponder.

A bit tired, need some space..

I've had my youngest sister and fiancee staying over the last two days. Normally I would have shut myself off, not being able to spend time with my sister. However, the last two days have been different. I've not been as needing to hide away, as I've not felt the same need to fix, take responsibility.. which has been great. [That's not to say however that it wasn't still there, talking it over with my wife since it's clear that I still had an agenda when I spoke with her fiancée for example]

However, after two late nights, two days with them, and the gym yesterday where I deliberately pushed it I am feeling a little jaded. Nowhere near the same as before. But, I feel like I need some time to reflect, space to recharge.

And that's ok. That does not mean I'm descending into a pit of bleargness. Just that, I need some time to recharge and recoup. Reflect, think, space, rest.. Writing this blog in an opportunity to do that. Listening to Keane too - feed my soul. Time with just my wife where I don't feel I need to give her something.

Rest. Turn off. Relax. Contemplate. Just be me..

[And today, a day later, I realise that I've not needed to escape in the same way as the past. Listen to music, yes, write a short story, yes, read up on the latest news, yes, but not switch off. Not look at porn, or go on the xbox, not feel I need to escape from my wife etc. - which is great!]

Gym x 3

So, this week I went to the gym three times. Three times in one week. Lifting waits, and a run. Yesterday I pushed it, three sets of 10-12 reps at maximum weight, around 9 machines on upper body, tummy and back. Then I went for a fairly fast run for 15 minutes. And how do I feel today? A bit tired, but no where near as tired as I would have before. :D

Feeling good - update on everything

Wey-hey. I'm feeling good. Gym twice this week, I'm stopping myself going into a tail spin on account of trying to find something wrong with me and deal with it. I'm benefiting from the benefits of having gone through therapy. I had some lasagne two nights ago - no side effects at all. Ie. dairy - cheese. Yippee!

My wife has realised that she is seeing me as her mum. I'm explaining that when she goes into her mind defences it's the same as getting into a playground barrel, and running inside. Pretty soon she's going at full tilt, and can't stop. She can't sleep, and gets anxious. Just stop running, and get out of the barrel. Instead go for a lovely walk to a place you like -in your mind.

So, suddenly I am confident in myself once again - in a good way. I am starting to relate to the girls in a different disciplining way, as my wife allows me to (she's not using them as her defence any more). That's a big crucial thing - as I'm not fearing her jumping in undermining me and trying to be ultra reasonable. Oh what a difference. It means I can let my youngest have her full vent, whilst being firm but soft. Be gracious whilst maintaining discipline. My oldest (15) is also starting to vent her feelings as she feels them - which she has never done before. Was it because the 12 year old was so dominating with her emotions, or was it my wife actually stopping her for if she let our her feelings of annoyance it would result in rejection for my wife? I think that may be the case. So now that my wife is more able to separate herself from the girls, not needing to use them as a defence against both her mum and by implication me, she can allow our oldest to express her emotions in such a way that could be taken as rejection. Actually she's just being honest. But my wife is learning that it's not a personal attack on her ability as a mum or anything else.

How wonderful!

I'm writing lots - one or two stories a week, and enjoying that. I still take photos, though more in the warmer weather. I love fishing, but again when it's warmer. Blue sky days being my favourite. I have two good male friends who live in the village. Open and honest with both. My wife is making friends, both where she used to live, as well as in the village. Oh how wonderful. My strength is returning, I'm going to the gym and it's not taking me down, I'm eating anything I want, and my wife is not blaming me for her pain anymore. And when she does I think of polo mints. God - I love him - though I've still to work some stuff out there, like church for example. My family - still some work to do there, but I don't feel as defensive now - so there's hope there too. I can see that if I get fit, I can go back to work, and work an honest day! But balanced. As a father, husband, friend, me.. YIPPEEE

Thanks. The real God - thanks so much.

Confidence

The thing about therapy, is that it focussed on difficult and painful areas. For myself, and my wife, it results in an almost whirlpool of self doubt and second guessing. Is what I am doing right? What's the motive behind it? Is there a pain, a fear, something I'm hiding? In short, though it works through lots of paindul stuff from the past (telling your life story), and results in significant change as you realise what you do why you do, it also robs you of confidence.

Or at least that's my experience. The last month or more have been overwhelmed by a sense of no confidence in who I am. Maybe that's normal. But it's very difficult. Can't move forward with confidence, because I may be wrong. I may be getting it wrong. It may be because my dad or mum did something or other. That's the difficulty of therapy - you (potentially) lose a sense of perspective.

Since stopping with my therapist, this is what I've struggled with - as I've written in previous postings. It's taken me, a lady from Australia I've never met and friends to pull me to where I am now. Which is, you know, I'm ok.

I feel I've worked through what I wanted to in therapy. I'm realising I can be right, and be wrong, and it doesn't matter. I'm realising that my wife has been wrong about me - actually much of the time. She has realised only today that when she looks at me or hears me, she is actually seeing her mum, or hearing her mum.

No wonder she doesn't bloody fancy me! And because I've gained more confidence again, and am practicing the polo mint routine (which I need to write about - but basically every time I feel myself going into a tail spin of second guessing - most of the time in relationship to my wife telling me I'm getting something wrong - I should think of a polo mint to stop me in my tracks and stop me going down the old worn and now not useful trains of thought), meaning that I am not succumbing to my wife's defences. Et voila. She has realised that when I am being nice, she is seeing aggressive - why? because that's what her mum did.

I couldn't win! And it's not about winning - but yippee!!!!

God speaking from strange places?

I have been on a website which allows me to post photos and stories, and in the process I have got to know a lady from Australia. She is a most amazing artist. About ten days ago I posted a journal on there with some thoughts on rainbows. She responded immediately, pouring out her heart.

Turns out she was rejected by her parents and she went to live with her grandparents who couldn't look after he properly. She was already wanting to commit suicide at four years old when God spoke to her as she sat in front of her mirror. She's had it tough, but she believes that God saved her life that day.

Her church experience includes burn out, rejection etc. So she hasn't been for around 15 years. Yet she loves the Lord. She pours her life into her art - which is wonderful.

Anyway -we have been conversing via emails, and yesterday she wrote this email to me and it caused me to cry..

It was her response after I'd sent my last journal posting from here to her.. The bold bit is an excerpt from my blog..

Dearest Mark,

Why? Because of the people. We want real relationships. We want to worship. Fall on our faces before the living God. See God’s power, changing, saving, healing, delivering, dealing, sorting, gracious, merciful. Powerful life changing teaching, bone cut from marrow, thoughts and intents of the heart. Rhema. The weight of God’s presence

Mark … God plucked you out of ministry for a reason…sincerely….I think and believe that God is making ready his army of men and women all over the world…some are in churches and some are not…but all of us on the same plane with the same level of understanding and belief….with the same jadedness, pain and passion, the same longings….and do you know why…..BECAUSE WE ARE THE HEART OF GOD…. for some unknown reason God chose to mirror his heart in our hearts…and we will never be happy with the mundaneness of going through the motions..you would be surprised just how many men are in your position right now, crying out to their Father in Heaven, but he is preparing you Mark for the times ahead….He had to pluck you out to do it….take heart Mark, take heart….try to believe me, try to believe a little of what I’m saying – because I’ve known from the age of 4….. because I’ve known without the help or aid of adults or angels or teacher….because He spoke to me then, and he speaks to me now….I have heard the voices of angels singing in choirs of heaven Mark…they sound like silver waterfalls…..it is unimaginable and the sweetest sound…. there is beauty untold and a great many things that we do not yet understand, but you must try and look at this from the bigger picture…..and see yourself as God see you, humbled…right where he wants a man to be…vulnerable…humbled and wanting….wanting to do right, wanting to love his family, wanting to serve God and his fellow man…

Sometimes I am just overwhelmed with compassion, and when I got just halfway through your journal I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me (believe me, that doesn’t happen too often) and I couldn’t ignore it…. I think that God wanted to say something to you through me…I’m glad you shared your journal and everything with me, I have been sobbing and then when I read all the FUCKS I couldn’t stop laughing and laughing at how honest you are and the hint of sarcasm if I can call it that!!!! I’ve put in italics at the end of the bmail what it was I felt God saying…if it doesn’t resonate with you, just ignore it. And yes, it is comforting in a strange way to know that we are fellow travellers in this journey and to hear your anguish just touched me in such a deep way……for I know this one thing, that perhaps you don’t. When you cried these things out to God, his heart reached out to you……….there was a reaching out of God’s hand toward you, he heard you in a BIG way….he’s been quiet, yes, I know…..but he’s there…believe me, he’s there…. What you want so badly, this healing….it’ll come eventually…but there is a reason for what you are going through, it’s necessary…..try to stop fighting it and let it go….no matter how hard you try, you won’t fix it…but when you pray BELIEVE in your heart that at the right and appropriate time your healing will come…but you will be a changed person…a changed man…for no longer will you anguish over why – there will be a fresh dawning of understanding come upon you, as though a veil has been lifted…..as though the sun dried up the misty dark morning and the world will be in soft hues of dawn and pretty colours afforded by sunlight and warmth will be rekindled and flowing once again, there will be warmth once again……

This is a terribly tough time for you right now…and often following the anguish of the soul where there is so much turmoil…there seems to be a lull, where you can be still and quiet and recover……I feel like you have been practically ripping out your hair and wearing sackcloth…..but in time you will be restored. The only way you can help others is to go through this hell…. And to just be you…you are right now really discovering the real you…warts and all…maybe to you that’s not a pretty sight, but it’s all God ever wanted from you….just you…..no pretense or airs or graces and if that means you get it wrong 80% of the time, as long as you are humble and keep on admitting it……do you realise how nice that is, to know a person that cares about being or doing wrong, and then wants to try and get it right…it’s rather unusual….it’s rather Christian, it’s really rather what God is looking for in people….this is the example to which followers of Christ should look…for the only solace one will ever find…is in God himself…falling one one’s knees in repentance and whilst in the vileness of all that suffering, he turns himself over to God and says, and yet….I remain a vessel for you Lord……and yet, even though you may have spurned me and yet turned away from me, I will follow you, until the end of time….I will be loyal and faithful…forgive my sin, set my feet upon the rock and reach down from heaven and touch me…make your face to shine upon me……do not leave me here in this terrible place of suffering…

Mark, honestly, how can you ever go forth in live and love and healing and helping and ministering without enduring this terrible terrible thorn in your side, just as Paul did, as Job did….as so many did….this is the making of a man…. My Scottie is yet to go through anything like this…but he would gain a lot of respect from me, if that’s what happened….recently he did start to say a few things about our relationship that really touched and moved me and showed me there was something deeper there…..a woman will love that…I think your wife will love you to be deep, honest and meaningful with her…it is important for us as women to nurture, if and when you let us in we have the ability to love, far greater than you can imagine….i hope you can do that, probably you are doing that already…but life can just be so difficult and busy as well….

Sometimes, too….navel gazing needs to be put an end to….and we need to start looking outward again…just slowly and little by little…because we can become too insular….this is my own experience….. but I don’t know you all that well…and all we are doing is sharing our feelings and our testimonies I guess…..and our journey, so I don’t want to sound full of useless useless meaningless advice…that’s not really important or necessary…. You just needed to be heard….I heard you… I heard the cry of your heart…and I cupped my face in my hands and sobbed my heart out….and then you made me laugh and laugh and laugh…that’s the stuff sermons are made of…. Powerful ….the ability to make people both laugh and cry with the twist of a phrase.

“Do you not know, have you not heard….. I have loved your from the beginning, when the morning was still fesh and the flowers pretty in the field I dream t of you, enjoying the day and sitting by my side…we would laugh and sing and be companions in this life, and in amongst the grass and the green fields the tips of the grass would tickle you against your skin and the sun would light up your face, and dance all around you… for I am your forever friend, I am your forever friend, you never have to ‘be’ anything special for me to love you, for I made you special from the start, you are all that I expected you to be, you are not in any way failing me Mark…this is my heart, this is the fruth. Although you feel tortured and tried and ugly inside, I see that you strive so for healing and heart, to be made right, but would is right Mrk..o listen to me, your papa, I speak to you now from the lofty places and beg of you my voice when I speak…for you are the one I created you to be, and with that I am happy son, your smile lights the way, your heart is contrite and you care about wrong and right, you have a passion that is fruitful in itself and I’ve dealt with many worse men on many occasions, none have a heart like I have given you…why do you see the gifts I have given you in a poor light….in a negative way, see that I have given you all of creation to enjoy…but you squander that and forget to listen and forget to look…you are forgetting the precious gifts I have given you and your suffering is paramount and mounting higher and deeper than life itself. I admire your strength and your versatility, I admire your heart and your strength, I’ve given ou my passion and heart fro the lost…I’ve given you a shepherd’s heart, I’ve given you so much Mark and now you want more…you want to know healing…. Then you must ask for it and believe it with all your heart that I will bring it to you, for this will come….in what form you will not know now, but in the days ahead will come thunder and lightning and rain and your life will not have been lived in vain or in vanity….you will think that forever you sit there on the sidelines unnoticed unimportant…but for a time, you must sit out fo the race in order to learn my way, in order to learn my language, in order to understand the heart of God and the pain of suffering and loneliness, because it is only then, and I mean only then that you will be released to hope and share and this will come about eventually, but you mustn’t despair anymore….i know how you suffer and I breathe my breath upon you to give you new life, and I wish for you to suffer no more and from this guilt you dread which torments you I would like to give you sweet relief….but for now it is necessary…it will not always be so…for I will release you in the days to come…I will release you Mark, my son…. Take heart, for you will be known to yourself and others as lionhearted and true…there is nothing greater for your to aspire to than this…. In time your wife and children will come round but it will take time, and patience, and more suffering….there are no quick fixes……..time is needed here, and in hindsight, looking back you will know Mark, you will know that I was with you, right through it all…but for now you are in an empty place, ridden with ugly scenes and pictures in your mind, full of disgust and loathing not only for me but for yourself…and there are others too…but you will soon forgive and understand that none meant you great harm…and that this time is for a purpose and a reason AND A SEASON … for Mark everything is but for a season….”

What would life be like if we only ever got what we expected and hoped for, nothing would we be but spoilt and selfish children…it is all the knocks that polish of those sharp edges and make you beautiful, interesting, full of character…..try not to see yourself as ‘failure’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘guiltridden’ – i don’t see you that way at all…..it’s strange….instead i see this…

a man on his knees before God
he cries out with all his heart like many i’ve read about in the bible
like Jesus Christ
he suffers
he cries
he feels alone
he feels abandoned
it is like Gethsemene
you asked him, make me like you Lord…
he said…..i will
he is
you are
see this new thing he’s doing in you
you don’t have to try so hard…..
it’s happening anyway
despite all your efforts…
you can’t force it
you can’t hurry it
you must find patience
and be longsuffering
and you will be blessed and
a great blessing…you already have been to me…

Life didn't turn out as expected

Here I am listening to the latest Hillsong CD, This is Our God..

And the praise and worship draws on my heart strings, tears well up into my eyes. Many of the tracks are soul music - they appeal to the soul at an emotional level. And I want to worship, fall at my maker's feet. Worship him. Thank him.

And cry. Cry that this is not what I expected. This is not what I planned, thought would happen. I am imperfect - I thought I would be perfect by now. All that time with you Lord, following you, listening to you and I am still so far from perfect, aside from you.

Physically I am not 100%. More like 50-60%. Which is a great improvement on what it was, but it's not near 100%!

Emotionally - I am constrained. Still impacted by my childhood. Still a child on the inside in many areas - wrongly so.

Spiritually - hmmfff. No idea where I am. Other than the fact that deep down, I absolutely love the Lord.

Why do I still get it wrong? Why do I feel wrong? That I am getting it wrong? See my last post on rejection. With my wife. The closest person to me. The person I most want to be at one with, closest to. And yet I get it wrong. Daily. I don't want to get it wrong. I want to get it right.

I am fed up of getting it wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I got it wrong as a child. I couldn't get it right with my dad. For all the reasons I wrote, but it still hurts so. My mum would add a level of guilt on top of that. I know all this. I've cried over it, but as the many layers of an onion, I'm still working through them.

I can forget it all and worship God. Feel his love. Know his acceptance. Know that he loves me no matter what. I can not get it wrong with God. Cos his grace covers all. He died for me. Lives within me. I can't get it wrong. I am going to heaven. Thank you Lord.

But meanwhile, on this earth, with my wife and kids. I find myself lost. Paralysed by rejection. Lord I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to stand as a man. Relate as a man. And once a man become like a child yes, but I want to be able to stand. A man of God. A husband and father. A friend and leader.

I don't want to be so affected by external things and people, but to be more internally referenced. referenced by you. Your identity within me, who you created me to be.

But Lord I don't get why I have been carrying around all this pain within me, when I have been trying to follow you all these years. I guess I feel let down by you too. Why haven't you reached down and touched me? Healed me? Set me free? Released all the pain and muck? The rejection, insecurity? Even if I were 80% of the way there, that would be far more than most. Or even what most normal people... who is normal. I know. But. Still. God I want you to reach in and fix me.

Oh you have. The refiners fire. The wine press. Molten metals.. Bruised but not broken. Refined by fire, by hardship. Going through the hard time. But God - what I want is to be made whole. To be set free from the pain and hurts of the past. That I may be free to be a man. Not bound by my parent's abuse.

I thought this stuff was to do with being more holy. Being more pure. Sifting our motives, desires.. I am talking about abuse from the past. Rejection by my father. Controlled and dominated. Guilt ridden. It's a paralysing force - why am I still carrying it? Why haven't you released me from it?

Lord - you word talks lots about you being a healer. Unless you call me seeing a therapist, paying a lot of money, and it being an excruciatingly difficult process, your healing - then what? God I am cross at you. I'm cross that my dad did that to me. My mum did that to me. That I am like I am, and that you haven't done something about it. I followed you. I tried so hard. In my mistaken pain filled emotions blah blah I still wanted to follow you. Lord I believe in you. Lord I put my hope in you. I dared to believe you. I cried out to you. Lord I tried so hard. So damn hard. And what? Rejected by the church. Spurned by the leaders. Fuck church. Crappy crap crap. Whjy? sg jasg jgj gjgjgjg jgjgjgjgj

God it does not make sense to me. Lord I've given you my life. Why didn't you take it? Why didn't you mould it? Here's the song singing "nothing is impossible to you", "you are my healer".. and yet. Here I am strangled by the abuse of the past. The hurt. The pain. I am paralysed by the rejection. Fuck. God why? WhY? WHY?

My thinking must be wrong. I must be wrong. Again. I must have got it wrong yet again. Wrong Mark. 0/10. Fail.

Crap. That's not the summary I want on my life. He tried, bless him, but ultimately he was undone because he failed. His parents failed him in so many ways. He wasn't able to rid himself from the pain of it. He tried. Oh he tried. But he got it wrong you see. Thought he was trusting God but all along he was deluded. He wasn't really trusting God. He was really trying to cling to some childish fantasy in order to make him feel better, to somehow divorce himself from his own childhood pain. CRAP. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT. I DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE THAT.

God - I come to you afresh. Warts and all. In my humanity, with my rejection and insecurities.

And yet..

'The same power that conquered the grave lives in me' - right now I find that crap..

For surely if you lived in me with that power, you would completely revolutionise me? Heal me? Save me from the inside.

God I don't like being me when I am stuck in my fear fueled childhood. I don't want it.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Yes I know I have worked on loads of areas in therapy. And I've changed lots. Now I am taking a break. But I feel as if there is still so much to do. My therapist would challenge that (as he challenges everything). It always feels this way, the moment I run into what feels like a wall. WHAM. It fills my vision. Despair clings to my soul.

I guess, bottom line, this is not what I expected. Not what I thought I had faith for. My faith was for a 5,000 strong church. Healings. Deliverance. Salvation. Miracles. Power of God, evident. Unbelievers falling on their knees. And I would be in the thick of it. Me with my family. Sold out for God. Willing to do all and be all.

And here I am. Listening to a worship CD, on my own, crying, heart full of.. emotion, wranglings, disappointment, pain, fear, failure, humanity.. Not going to church. My oldest daughter assenting to God, but wanting to do what her friends do. My youngest wanting to follow God but unsure how to. My wife feeling the same as me - the last place we want to go to is the church. Why? Because of the people. We want real relationships. We want to worship. Fall on our faces before the living God. See God's power, changing, saving, healing, delivering, dealing, sorting, gracious, merciful. Powerful life changing teaching, bone cut from marrow, thoughts and intents of the heart. Rhema. The weight of God's presence.

God, how can I want you so much, and yet not want you at all? Disappointment drives the latter, love the former.

Lord, I don't know how, but please help us. Bring your truth, not ours. Guide and lead us. Guide and lead my girls. My wife. Me. Lord brings us to a drinking place, where we can enjoy your spirit and real relationships. Is this just heaven I talk about - or is it possible here? Lord I think of Karin and Scott. Dave and Donna. And so many others. Have we all got it so wrong. Are we all just products of our childhood? Wanting to, and yet not able to? Crap to that. Absolutely crap. I'm not willing to settle for that. God - if you are God. Come and visit us again. Come and heal us. Allow us to see you. In the here and now.

Oh God how? This is not what I expected.

The vicious cycle of rejection

My wife has been struggling with her own stuff the last week or so. And as a result she wants to be able to express some of what she feels - which includes a lot of pain ref her mother. I have no problem with that. BUT.

The problem is that when she isn't giving me assurance on a regular basis that all is ok between us I really start to struggle. I fear that she is rejecting me, and immediately I feel rudderless. It's as if my frame of reference is removed, and I don't know what to do. It's like I am lost.

Do I be with her because she is struggling, or do I leave her alone? I can't do what I want to do, because doing so may be callous. So I kind of hover, even if not in the room. I am not free to do as I would want, communicating to her that I am available if she wants me. No. I am guilt ridden. What's the best thing to do? She's telling me she's ok and that I can do x, but maybe she's just saying that. Maybe she's annoyed with me, and that's why she is saying that.

I can't win. Neither can my wife. Meanwhile, she picks up that I am guilt ridden, and needing reassurance from her, but all she wants to do is express some anger from her past. So a vicious cycle starts. And that makes me more uncertain etc.

SO WHY DO I DO THIS?

Because I'm scared of being rejected. Who is scared of being rejected? The adult me, or the child me? The child me. The adult me knows that my wife is working through stuff. The child me sees the body language change and panics. Doesn't know what to do. I about to be rejected in some way. Do something. Show you are available, otherwise you will be assuaged with guilt.

I'm like a rabbit in headlights, unable to move. Which way to go?

My wife's defences

Also - I am much happier if my wife is happy. Happy with me. Happy with life. As it is, if she is struggling, especially with things I've done then I am not happy at all. It's like I take the blame for it. It's my fault.

I'm much stronger than I used to be. I now recognise that, actually, it may not be me. Yes, I contributed, but the root cause of her anger, irritation, feeling upset is not me. It's her mum. It's still the pain from her mum. It's just that I press her buttons.

She asked me yesterday morning whether I found our relationship nourishing. She's asked me this before - or rather her therapist asked her the same question. When was the last time you felt nourishment from your relationship with Mark. She couldn't answer. She shut down..

We've talked a lot about this, and it lead onto a conversation about how she relates to the girls (she's used them as a defence against the pain inflicted on her by her mum). Every time I would go to discipline the girls she would react, defend the girls and be ultra reasonable. She would tell me that I was reacting like my father, and that was unacceptable. As a result, we've had issues with our youngest, who feels she owns the house. For the last week and a bit this has changed, once my wife realised that she was stepping in because when I used a certain tone or manner it pressed her button. Her realising this has meant a huge change, for now she feels she can leave me to it without her needing to get involved. And it's meant a HUGE change. I can now discipline my youngest without fearing that my wife will override me. and that's given me confidence.

If it was like that as it relates to disciplining the girls - what else does it relate to? Could it be that my wife is unable to really allow the soft intimacy she craves from me because when I show it she is incapable of receiving it? She instead reads it as if her mum is trying to do something nice - and she distrusts that deeply, for her mum would always have an ulterior motive. Her mum never did anything nice for her. So if I do - it presses a button.

So, the question of when she last felt nourished by our relationship is met with something deep within her she has yet to express. It comes out as irritation, anger, despondency, fear with me. How can I be me with that? If I am on the laptop in the morning, she feels rejected. In short, she feels that I am her mum. What complicates is is that at times I feel I need my space, or indeed have felt that she is my mum, wanting to entrap me.. so it's not easy stuff.

When she asked me the question ref nourishment yesterday, at first I feared it. For I believed she was asking from a place of "this isn't working". I have felt like that much of our marriage. That she continually is pointing out what is wrong, what is not working, what needs to change, that I have got it wrong, that I am mistreating her, that I am not intimate, won't show my feelings, am robotic and controlled. The thing is she is right. But now I believe she is right only in part. What she is not seeing is her contribution. If she reacts to me in a certain way, I will react to her in like spirit, unless I recognise what is going on.

But as I thought about the question, I realised that actually, there were a lot of things I found nourishing. Going out for walks, our intimacy together, the fact that we weer best friends, we could talk about anything together, we both wanted to move forward, we did want to support each other, we wanted to be there for each other. We like each other. Sex is, on the whole, wonderful, if not that frequent. She admitted that the actual physical sex is 8/10, consistently. I pointed that that there were women who would die for that kind of score. But she said emotionally, it was 3/10. Et voila - I feel that she places the blame on my shoulders for that. But as I though about it, I feel differently. Could it be, I said, that something else is going on? Much in the same way as my disciplining the girls?

Could it be that if I get close, you react because it presses the mum button? Could it be that I am reminding you of your mum? She countered that I was placing it all on her. My reply was that for the last twenty years she has placed the blame on me. It was my fault. And I felt it in my insides. Felt it cut my insides to mush. My fault. I got it wrong. I would listen to her, as she poured out her frustration and pain. And it was all my fault.

Well, a by product of therapy is that I feel, hang on, I'm not a bad lad (as my wife would say). I am sensitive, generous, affectionate, good in bed, caring, strong, providing, etc. etc. I have many excellent qualities. Sure I am not there, am not the finished article. There's more to develop and improve. BUT, the core thing is that actually I am ok. I am not a failure. I haven't failed my wife. Yes I've worked too many hours. Yes that didn't help. Yes I had a number of weird expectations from my childhood, and acted weirdly in certain situations. But, on the whole, I have been a father and husband, and I'm a better one now.

So. Nourishment. Caring. Empathy. Sympathy. Intimacy. Sure they are areas I need to continue to work on, but I'm not a spastic in this areas. So, maybe, just maybe, my wife may need to take some of the responsibility. Our relationship IS nourishing, yet she can't see it. Why not? I felt good when I explained how I felt. She felt emotional.

We went out last night, but before she did she wanted to get dressed up. She told me that she gets irritated when I tell her (once she's looking fab) that she looks sexy, in her black stockings, boots, dress. And boy she does look good too. Now why would she get irritated? When I asked her she said it's because she knows that she looks good for her age, and that blokes check her out, but that I wasn't interested in her ten years ago.. There's a perfect example. Another body blow to me. My fault that she feels the way she does. And of course, in part she's right. My girls were 5 and 2, and at the time she didn't look like this. She looked washed out, wore boring clothes, took on the responsibility of the girls herself, departed into a heavily defended position. What was I supposed to do? I was as lost as she was.

But still - the irritation is there. I think it's because I'm close. I'm inside many of her defences, and it scares her. She runs to her stronger defences, even more desperate as I get closer. As I get closer, she becomes more aware of the pain, and tries to push me away. She's always been great at constructing verbal (intellectual) defences. And they are very, very hard to come against, to dismantle.

last week, when she was telling me that when I say something nice to her she's hearing negativity, that I am telling her off or something (basically hearing her mum when I am being nice) I felt so much for her that tears welled up into my eyes. She saw it, it confused her immensely, and immediately she felt emotional and started to cry. It was as if by me being emotional with her (tears) she realised that her feelings about what I was saying couldn't possibly be true, and it broke through the defence.

Now what if she is feeling like that full time? I am nice, she sees spite. I try to encourage, she sees ulterior motives. I am me, she sees her mum.

And, I believe, that's what I have been living with for twenty years. She can't believe that someone would be nice to her without having ulterior motives. Without actually wanting to take away from her, be spiteful, vengeful, uncaring..

And it's been very, very tiring.

High expectations

So. I'm now feeling a little grumpy. Why? Maybe lots of reasons. One of them being that I had high expectations from therapy. I expected one of the by products to be that I would feel physically great once I'd worked through all my crap. Right now I don't. Yes, I feel oh so much better than I did. I can eat almost anything, bar dairy.

But I still don't feel up to going to the gym. Or going for a run. I don't think I could hack a three day job, much less full time. And that's depressing. Gets me down. I feel down about it. I want to be able to be fit again. Feel good again. Not worry about my insides, my energy levels, where I will need a number two..

It is depressing. A real downer, for it goes on and on. It could be that I am only half way through. I have more to process, work through and ponder on. It could be that I am only a week and a half from the end of my last therapy session. Will I feel stronger and stronger as time goes on?

Also - I am much happier if my wife is happy. Happy with me. Happy with life. As it is, if she is struggling, especially with things I've done then I am not happy at all. It's like I take the blame for it. It's my fault.

Who is me?

Am I allowed to be me? Am I allowed to be like everyone else? Am I allowed to like fast cars? Ponds? Am I allowed to want to earn money, have status, be well regarded? Am I allowed to be loud, gregarious, verbal, driven, testosterone filled male? Am I allowed?

Am I allowed to like stereos, money, going out, leading, being out front, working?

Why wouldn't I?

Because it's money driven? Wrong motivation? Wrong? Not right? Why is it not right? Is it not right to like nice things because they are expensive? Or is it only if it's greed that it's wrong? Is it because they don't extend God's kingdom? They are personally orientated. For me. Because I like them?

King David. King Solomon. They had riches beyond compare! It was not all given to the temple, or God. They had the best of the best. They sought God, but were utterly human in their quest. They were not some super spiritual geek. They were human. I am human. They liked good things. I like good things. They liked women - I would if I were them. I like my wife ;o

They liked gold, wine, music, parties. they didn't mind spending time on themselves. So why do I? Why do I feel guilty? Is it that it doesn't toe the line? Is not kingdom related? I have to spend all my time and energy, money and everything else - including selling my children into slavery because what? I server the god Molech? Don't be silly. I serve a loving saviour, someone who created me to be me. In his image. Creative, thrusting, alive with desires, a personality, drive, ambition. No, not naked ambition that will carry out evil to get what I want. Not at all. But where the Lord blesses me because I have sought to follow him - then am I not allowed to enjoy the fruit of my labour?

Fruit of my labour - that is a biblical verse. Lamentations talks about the futility of man, and how because life is short to enjoy the wife of your youth, and the fruit of your labour.

So, a nice fast car which is not the most fuel economical? Does it stretch that far? What about the starving millions in Africa? The poor you will have with you always. Live in an attitude that what you have is not yours, but enjoy what is you have.

God walked in the cool of the day - his creation to enjoy. He'd created it, worked for it, and enjoyed it. It wasn't all work and no play. I am allowed to play. To enjoy my life, including my possessions. The fruit of my labour. God loves me, and I am allowed to be free to enjoy his love.

Walks through outstanding nature. Fishing on a blue sky day. Arm in arm with my wife. Driving over roads, feeling the speed and comfort whilst eating the miles. Listening to good music which feeds my soul. Being with mates. Enjoying my girls. Having sex with my wife. Watching a great film. Drinking aged wine. eating outstanding curries. Taking photos and writing stories. Helping others. Leading others. Creating wealth. Releasing wealth. Supporting others. Dreaming. Living. Loving.

Uncomplicated. Dreaming, loving, living.

Is there a law against that?

Is driving a nice car dreaming, loving, living? Or is it cheating? Lying? Stealing? Greedy? Ungodly?

I WANT TO DRIVE A NICE CAR _ SO WHY FEEL GUILTY?

I want to earn money because I can. Absolutely I want to do it in a balanced way - not as before. Not out of a need to gain significance or affirmation - not because I'm driven, but because I want to within the context of a balanced life where my sound desk of life is balanced.

Run a business. Create a business. Create wealth. Create opportunity. Release life. Release love. Release dreams.

I am allowed to. My old templates are just that. Old templates. Based on a misguided desire to please God. They serve a man made god with man made rules. And if they are godly, God himself can convict me. Is he big enough for that? You betcha! Would I hear him? I don't know. For I am human.

I AM HUMAN.

NOT SUPER HUMAN. NOT AN ANGEL. NOT A SPIRITUAL ROBOT.

I want to dream. Love. Live.

DO YOU HEAR?

I WANT TO DREAM. LOVE. LIVE.

I could not do those as a child other than in the context of God. I fought hard to gain the trappings of dreaming, loving, living - yet they were based on pain. Now - hopefully having dealt with those things - I can dream, love and live because I want to. Because I am free to.

What does that look like? It means I am not carrying guilt for starters. There is nothing good about guilt. THERE IS NOTING GOOD ABOUT GUILT. Guilt does not come from God. Guilt comes from religion. Guilt comes from man made rules. Guilt comes from human. Flesh - demons.

There is no room for guilt in dreaming, loving, living. Guilt is destructive. Guilt is inhibiting. Guilt creates a prison, and robs dreams, love and life. I don't want to do guilt anymore.

So I have free choice. Freedom. Freedom to make my own decisions. To hold back, or to move forward. There is no right or wrong with either choice. Colours of the rainbow - none of them wrong. All of them beautiful.

Brilliant.

Giving of me & mum's seduction

Yesterday was a really nice day - nay good day. In the morning I suggested we go for a walk in the sunshine, and we walked around 4.4 miles. The scenery was great, and we had an enjoyable time together. We talked the whole way (my and my wife that is!).

And there's good news. The landscape is changing. I'm changing. My wife is changing. So what we do and how we interact is changing. Old templates are dying, new ones have to be built. And that's exciting.

But there's one area which I still need to work at, or sort through, and that is as follows - but is primarily around the giving of me.

When I was working at BT, and bored out of my pants, my wife was very supportive. She listened to my endless hours of ranting and encouraged me to move on - even if it meant risk. And she has done that throughout our marriage. Listened to me -showing she cares - and encouraging me - even if it meant we may not earn any money.

Her point yesterday is that I come from a very guarded place when we discuss, for example, her project. It's as if I connect on an intellectual level, but fear giving of myself.

I can see it with my sisters. They will do the thing our family does, which is offer advice and guidance (often from an arrogant place, I'm better than you place). But it doesn't get into the situation with the other person, why? Because I think there may be a cost, and our family does not do that. We don't give of ourselves, of our emotions. We can give of our time, money, energy even - but anything which may take something from us as a person, our insides, we protect at all costs.

Why?

What does this remind me of from my childhood? What's the feeling?

The feeling is that I will be sucked in, and that I won't have any choice. I'll be tied in. It's as if an alarm goes off, I go into red alert status. My insides scream -they'll suck you dry, protect yourself at all costs!

Why?

Because that's what my parents did? I couldn't give emotionally to my mum because she wouls suck me dry. Her own pain meant that she had a permanently operating radar to suck any sense of well being towards her. It's as if she was an arid desert - and others were clouds that may provide her temporarily relief. For me - that would mean she would suck all the moisture out of me she could, leaving me a dried mummy.

I think it's where I get the sense of incest from. My mum sucking life out of me, out of any of us. Giving presents became a tortuous affair. The sickly gratitude, the show, the performance, the guilt. Not pleasant at all. But it wasn't just present giving. It was meal times, doing jobs for her, running errands. It always because a sign of "our love" for her. A token of our affection.

'Just make me a cup of coffee darling? You do it so well'. I would almost sink under the thick layer of slime.

'Just do the washing up, you know I would but I'm so tired'

'Just do the vacuuming would you, because you love me'

PUKE. She never could ask in a straight way. It was always laden with guilt, with an icing layer of sickliness. Because you love me. Because you are the best at it. Because you make the best coffee. Because you are considerate, the oldest, the most caring. And even if she didn't say it with her mouth, she expressed it with her eyes and body language. And that was the incest bit.

It was as if she was using seductive mechanisms to get her small boy to do what she wanted.

How wrong is that?

And of course, I recognised what my mum was doing, and would remove myself as far from it as possible. I learnt how to do whatever it was she wanted whilst protecting myself from her yuckiness. If that's possible. It applied to every area. In church, in the family, in the home, on holiday... anything and everything. It was as if she knew that she possessed this key would could unlock any situation, get her what she wanted, defuse anger (even if justified).

I guess that's another thing - she would not let me exhibit emotion - for in so doing it would threaten to engulf her. She had enough trouble with dad and some of my sisters without me doing it too. So she would use this weapon she had on me at all times, to control me to ensure I never stepped out of line, never got exasperated, never got angry, fed up.. never showed any emotion other than undying love for his mum.

I'd not seen this bit before - that mum would use her control to control my emotions. She only ever wanted positive, working in tandem, working together, strength type feelings from me. Like I was her saviour. I was the one who would help her keep everyone else sane. I would help keep her sane. I was somehow special - and I have touched on this before - in that I was her ally. Though she would have used anything and anyone to achieve that - it's just that I was readily available.

Used. She used me. She used me to her own ends. Not for me, not to bolster me, not to build me up, but to build herself up. To protect her interests. Her coffee. Her shopping. Her emotions. Her needing to know she was loved.

Used. Incest. Used. Abused.

To use someone is to abuse someone. My mum abused me.

If dad was at home I was not safe. Mum was (almost always) at home, so I was never safe. Dad's abuse (domination), mum's abuse (control). What a shitty yucky crappy way of living.

So I feared being used by my mum at any time. They way she abused me was to use my own emotions (guilt?) to get what she wanted. She would deploy sophisticated tools to get me to do what she wanted, without it appearing that way. Is that not seduction? Is that not why I feel there is a sense of incest?

Horrible.

So I couldn't trust my own mum to have my own best interests at heart. Neither could I trust my dad. Who could I trust? Who was there that I could trust who would look after the real me? Who would see me for who I was? Who would want the best for the real me? Who would listen to the real me, accept the real me, think that the real me was significant besides what I did.

No one. Bar God. And He didn't have physical arms to hold me tight, and sit opposite me and see me, and go fishing with me, and all sorts of other wonderful things.

No wonder my values (see previous post) include the fact that people see me for who I really am, regardless of what mistakes I make.


So - question - do I fear that others will do the same?

Of course I must. But first I need to allow myself to feel the crap that I feel - recognise that it is there, not suppress it. Then I can start to work on what is the wrong template and who is my real wife..

My values

Values and rules
15 most important values to me in life

1. Truthful
2. Significance
3. Love
4. Freedom
5. Growth
6. Able to can do
7. Family
8. Safety
9. Ability – to work, to earn money, to provide, to care
10. Loyalty
11. Godliness, (true, loyal, loving)
12. Giving
13. Honesty
14. Security
15. Health – physical, emotional, spiritual wholeness

Ten most important values - what has to happen in order for me to feel;

1. Accepted – people accept me for who I really am. They do not judge, put me down, dominate or marginalise me. They accept me warts and all and are willing, nay wanting to invest in me, spend time with me, listen to me. They will accept me even if I get it wrong. I would feel that no matter what I did they accepted me.


My comment: This is interesting as for the first time I can see both what I want, and what others would want. I.e. my wife. She wants to be heard no matter whether she gets it right or not. Same for me. I hadn't realised this until I'd written this list.

2. Significant – people treat me as if I really matter. They will prioritise time to be with me, be willing to count the cost if it hurts. Even if I do something wrong they will still treat me as if I matter. That I matter despite what I do, or don’t do.
3. Listened to – people listen to the real me. Focused attention, really listening, taking the time out to listen, hearing what I say and remember. Even if I get it wrong.

My comment: even if I get it wrong! So I am allowed to get it wrong, and those who love me will still listen to me, still appreciate me, still accept me. This is not what I expect. What I expect is that if I get it wrong, those who love me will reject me.

4. Respected – people respect not so much what I do (though that’s always nice) but rather who I am. As a husband, as a father, as a friend, as a loyal hard working caring courageous person. Even if I get it wrong, they will still respect me.

My comment - again the key thing for me here is 'even if I am wrong'.

5. Freedom - I am not unduly constrained by others, and have freedom to pursue my desires and goals. I am set free to pursue my goals, not blinkered or limited by other’s limited experience or thinking. I have to be able to think outside of the box. I hate small minded thinking, rules for the sake of rules, people who are unable to get the big picture. To be honest I hate most constraints forced on me by others.


My comment - I understand after 16 months of therapy that is in direct response to my father who tried to dominate (who did!) me, control me and stop me from acting in ways I wanted to. I responded by beating anyone who tried to do the same.

6. Family – spending time as a family together for; fun, being serious, discussing weighty issues, correction, watching films, joy, bringing others into the family at opportune times such as friends, wider family etc.

My comment: Do I actually do this or is it something I FEEL I should do - I.e. a sense of duty. Is it therefore really genuine what I do or driven by duty and guilt. Is it an extension of who I am, my priorities or just something I feel I should so as it's the right thing to do. There are aspects of this which I do naturally - but I think it's the sense of duty which is so cancerous.

7. Security – I am able to provide for my family. This includes not only earning enough money to care for both important and day to day things such as a house, car, food etc, but also safety (my family feels safe, so I live in a safe area, ensure safety of their persons etc.) and wholeness (emotional, physical, spiritual).

My comment: i think this is bigger than I realise. I really want my family to have the choice to pick from the best. I have a big house in an affluent area, enough money and the girls have pretty much what they want/need. After seven months on a sabbatical and knowing that I want to sell the company my mind is starting to think about how I can make some serious money in the future.

8. Integrity – means there is no falseness in any of my dealings. From within me, my family, friends and colleagues there exists a mutual trust based on integrity in all things.

My comment: I'm pretty sure this is a base belief, core to my being. Albeit at times, maybe a sense of duty too. Starting the business has made me think through aspects of integrity from time to time, but on the whole (in the main, completely) I'm happy with where I stand on this issue.

9. Healthy – I am physically fit (health, food, running, gym), emotionally whole (therapy, free from past issues), spiritually alive (relationship with God) and in good relationships (wife, family, friends)

My comment: I am still working through much of this. My exhaustion pre-therapy and further crapness during therapy has meant that although my bowels are much more comfortable I am still tired. I hope that I can start to pick up fitness again shortly. Spiritually I am still separating my parents from God and church - and am smack in the middle of working this through. I have NO desire to go to church right now - for to me it is full of reminders of past injustices and hypocrisy.

10. Generosity, I am willing to give to others (time, care, support, finance), and would expect the same in return

My comment - do I actually do this?

Top five moving-away-from values; What are the feelings I would do almost anything to avoid feeling? And what are the associated rules?

1. Entrapment – that someone would cause me to feel trapped, through coercion, manipulation, limiting my choices, applying what I would consider the wrong rules, taking away my choice or freedom. If I allow someone to remove any of my choices or freedom I will feel trapped so work hard to ensure this does not happen.

My comment: Interesting -for this dominates my thinking in regards to almost everything I do. I must be free to be able to make my own choices - even if they are themselves predetermined. I will be my own boss, don't want to submit or be accountable to anyone else (certainly not if I don't believe they have my best interests at heart). As such church is right off the agenda - for to go to church is a) to submit to someone else preaching even if it's pants, b) attend home groups even if they are pants, c) fit into to the life and soul of the church - even if there is no one I would get on with. It's just not happening at the moment.


2. Humiliation – being made to feel small, public humiliation, a dominant person in a crowd pointing out my failings in an ungracious attacking and nasty manner. Ensure I am never in a position to be humiliated – so will avoid types who my humiliate me by their greater knowledge or I will ensure that I am never humiliated by ensuring that I dominate or at least equal or ostracize any dominating person who may seek to humiliate me.
3. Dominated – anyone who tries to dominate me in any setting such that my choices become limited. See entrapment and humiliation above.
4. Rejection – Anyone who matters to me (family, friends, colleague) – anyone who I want to like me, rejecting me. Ensure that those who matter don’t reject me by a) trying very hard and b) trying very hard – I will do anything to try and win them over. I real body language like a radar to check that no is rejecting me, and if I sense they are will either remove me from them, them for me, be extra (overly) nice towards them, or boot them out (if in a company)
5. That I got it wrong - I will try hard, then harder still if I get it wrong to ensure I don’t. If I do, and it’s an area that matters to me then I take it very personally.

My comment - this is something which I think I am working through at the moment. And it's liberating.

Sex and masturbation

Last night I was talking to my wife about sex. She wanted it, and I was nervous. Oh I wanted sex with her as I think she's a babe. But I was also acutely aware of the fact that so often she had wanted sex with me because a) she is feeling horny, and b) I'm the only permissible male she can have sex with. So often it was more out of horny desperation to have sex rather than because she liked me for me.

So that sparked off a whole conversation last night - and I revisited my teenage years. And I remembered that had been guilt ridden about the subject of masturbation from approx 12 when I first started through to late twenties - and even now there are still vestiges of guilt.

Masturbation was something that was in control of me. I would masturbate at least once a day, sometimes three or more times. I would do it in the toilets at school, sometimes in the classroom under the desk whilst we were all listening to Mrs XXXX (she was fit). At home, in bed.. anywhere.

I was sex crazed.

And I was frightened stiff that when I was at church someone would find out. God would speak to them and point the finger at me and say "You, you sex crazed person with no control and lots of lust." Terrified. It filled my every thought, dominated my prayer life. God release me from this thing I would cry. I fasted. I wailed. I fought. I exercised will power. Yet I masturbated.

And of course I didn't masturbate with a picture of a blank wall in my mind. No. there were luscious ladies seducing me with their long legs, gorgeous breasts.. To begin with I fantasied about girls (remember I was 12/13) appearing in my bedroom. Then it moved onto seduction by any female anywhere.

It dominated my thinking and filled me with guilt.

And it lasted a long time.

What did that do to me?

And why was I so guilt ridden? Because of church. Because of my parents. They must have communicated something to us as kids, and me in particular. It was a hidden secret. Something to be ashamed of. I could not be normal with normal blokes, have normal conversations, have a drink, go out with normal girls, listen to normal music, or, as it turns out, masturbate.

Another example of control and domination. It was never a subject that was raised, but how my parents judged others I guess told me loud and clear. There were just some things you should never think or do. And I was. Lots.

Crap and bollocks. Why were my parents so inadequate so that I ended up SO guilt ridden. I remember at uni I was in fear of one guy who would often prophecy and have words of knowledge. Terrified he would look at me and see me for who I really was. A sex crazed lustful young man.

But of course THIS IS NORMAL! I'm a bloke. A man. I like women. I think they are beautiful. I love sex. I love their bodies. Their tits. Their legs. Their breasts, their necks, their smiles, their eyes, their hair, their softness... I love everything about a feminine woman.

AND THAT IS HOW GOD MADE ME!

Post therapy - week one

So. I told him. I wanted a break. On top of all the others things I told him.

And I find myself "not in therapy" - which is nice.

It's a strange time. I'm reading a lot at the moment about mentoring and coaching. And much that the subject covers is to do with understanding tools and techniques which enable you to live the life you want.

How to better make decisions, how to understand what you really want, what is important to you - basically giving context to the myriad of decisions we make on a day by day basis. So far I am finding it very useful - realising that in many cases I just have no basis for making a decision - or don't even realise that my standard behaviour is because I have not been trained (tools/techniques) to do anything different.

It's as if what I am looking at is allowing me to realise that there IS A DIFFERENT WAY. A different way to think, to feel, to make decisions.

So that will be interesting to see how that develops.

My therapist - do I continue?

Over the last week I've thought long and hard about my therapist - and whether I should continue with him.

I've thought through the following;

• How difficult it has been - being in the same room with him, his style, his personality etc. It's as if I've been in a room with someone I don't really like, a "small" person, a jobsworth, not warm.. I told him that out of ten people I could meet in a pub he'd be the least likely person I'd speak to.
• What has he done to make it easier for me? The first session where I felt raped was because of his style. He was in control, and he kept it. From my perspective he wasn't willing to be flexible to reach out to me in my distress
• I don't feel that he is "carrying me" - in the sense of really being there for me.
  
• I would like him to explain context, rather than staying in a position of power. I hate it when he asks for no apparent reason "Is your mouth dry?". If he explained why he was asking, what the point was, I'd be ok.
  
• It's a professional relationship which I pay him for. It's a strict 50 minutes.

So - what would I look for? What is that I want?

• Someone who I feel is completely on my side, and explains to me the process as we go through it.

Maybe that's me wanting to be in control. But is that so wrong? If I am aware of that and actively working on that, what's wrong with it? Do I have to make it as difficult as possible for me because that's a true martyr's cause? Willing to take the hardest most difficult road because that will be good for me? Or is it better for me if I make it easier for myself, whilst still working through the stuff.

For me to carry on is like choosing to submit to the abuser in order to do the right thing. Why is it wrong to say, no, I'm not going to do that anymore? I'd rather have someone who doesn't remind me of my abuser. If I go to God - does he feel like my abuser when I spend time in his presence? I guess the honest answer to that is I'm not sure. I don't think I do when I really find myself in his presence, I find myself crying at his love. That's certainly not how I feel with my therapist.

His style and personality strikes me as somewhat cold and odd. Distanced, removed - yet he is a person who cares. I can see that. Yet at the same time it's excruciatingly difficult (easier as time has gone on but still difficult) to see him, talk with him.

So what's right? What's wrong? My mate last night really challenged me on this issue. He's had experience with a therapist with a similar style "Mark", he said, "what's really going on here? You are performing a character assassination. Is it your dad? Transference? Projections? Are you wanting him to be your friend?"

And it got me thinking again.

My wife from her experience says "does he believe in you, is he on your side, does he explain?" - and the answer to that is in the main, no. She strongly believes I should stop seeing him and find a therapist I can get on with.

I told my therapist all of this yesterday, and today called him to say I wanted a break. Yesterday he was angry and "pissed off". He felt I was calling him cold and calculating. He told me he felt he had put 14 months of hard work into the relationship and he thought it was progressing well. I said that what I was explaining was how I felt, within the context of my therapy...

Watch this space.

A worthless shit

I can't do it. I TRY SO HARD. But I still can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it.

By the age of ten I thought I was a dick head. By thirteen a rotten shit. There's no way I would have admitted that. In fact I fought very hard not to believe that. My dad treated me like shit, but at the same time offered me salvation in the form of church.

At church I was someone. A special one. A chosen one. Treated preferentially. By my parents as well as others in the church - especially once my dad became a pastor at the age of 14.

But I have worked so hard to prove them wrong. That I am valuable, likeable, confident, worth knowing. On my own account.

And then I sit with my wife, and she tells me that she is unable to relate to me. That we have nothing in common. That I am unable to relate to her. I am paralysed. Utterly. Yesterday was a bad day, as I felt the strongest feelings again, as if she was wanting to trap me. And today she's telling me she can't continue as it is. She can't put herself through it. That she is the one who initiates everything, hobbies, interests, excitement. That actually I'm a boring sod.

And my insides are paralysed. I feel that I am staring into an abyss. HELP. I'm just a worthless shit. I treat my wife like shit. I find it impossible to relate at a real sustained deep level. I'm fine at work, because I've learnt to use my hard fought for defences. BUT. With my wife. CRAP.

I can't do it. I can't be the person she wants me to be. I don't know how to behave. I can't relate to her. I can't. I just can't. When she wants some emotional relationship with me I recoil in horror. As if she's the bitch from hell. As if she is my mum, dad and sisters all in one. BUT SHE'S NOT. She's lovely. Sensitive. Bright. Humourful. Caring. Loving. I would be lost without her.

SO CRAP. I love her so much. And yet I am paralysed. Unable to respond to her love. In fact worse, recoil from her as if she has rabies. Ebola. WHY? Because my parents were so crap. Because I have not been taught/learnt how to relate at a real and deep level. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP.

Paralysis. Like being sucked into a dark vacuum. Not somewhere I want to go. WHY?

Is it because deep down I know myself to be a worthless shit? A turd floating on the surface of the seas. Nowhere. No meaning. Nothing. Just crap.. Fucking hell. What did I believe from my parents? What did they teach me about me? That I was just some oink? Someone to boss. Someone to tell what to do. Someone who needed to fulfil their own weak crapness? Their own pains? Feelings of failure? I was the answer to their need, so I felt their need. And wasn't allowed to develop my own. Wasn't allowed to think what I wanted to. Instead learnt that to go towards emotions was an incredible painful thing to do - a stupid thing to do - for the pain was too great.

CRAP CRAP CRAP. Thanks a lot mum and dad. For teaching me crap. Feeding me on crap. Making me believe that our crap was better than what anyone else had. Judging everyone else who had pureity, honesty, caring empathy - that they were crap, and really our crap was gold. To be treasured.

FUCK OFF.

BLOODY HELL.

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't have a clue. Never did. Still don't. And yet you still peddle the crap. I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.

Why. Why can't I relate to the wife I love. Why have I judged her so? Why have I hurt her so? Why do I recoil from her? Why do I treat her like shit? I don't want to. I try so hard. I always have. I don't want to be like this. I didn't want to be like this. Not at school. Not at home. And yet here I am. twenty two years after I left home, and my wife tells me I am like living with a shit.

I AM NOT A WORTHLESS SHIT. I just am not. No matter what people have told me, acted towards me. I am real. I am alive. I have feelings. I am human. I have qualities. I am faithful. Caring. Passionate. Loving. Giving. I try. I want more. I want. I desire. I care.

I may not know HOW to care. How to relate at a deep emotional level. How to put others first. It does not mean I don't want to do those things. I really really do. I really want to. It's what I want. I don't want to be stuck in the past. I'm willing to see a cold therapist sifting through my darkest fears, feelings and pains. Willing to be raped in order to find life. Truth. Freedom.

GOD I WANT TO CHANGE.

I so want to be different. So want to be able to.

School - I was not a worthless shit. What you reflected back to me was not true. I was not worthless. I wasn't just a kid to pick on. Master... Nicknames. Bullying. Treating me worse than shit. FUCK OFF.

pio niow jgfag klg hkladfg hadf hadfg hg hg hg haerv er3rolrfghk][hjtib,-fk yu hgyumrit jéawg jvn iocguiwgfbbv kb h\gb

AND WHAT IS WITH THE DOMINATION AND CONTROL PARENTS?

Eh? Was I too big for you? Were you scared of me? Or is it just that your own pain was SoooOOOSOOOoo great you needed to treat us like shit to make you feel better? Make me feel like shit. Not allow me my own opinions. My own thoughts. My own development. To wear my own clothes. Listen to my own music. Read my own books. Go out with my own girlfriends. Drink my own pints. Think my own thoughts.

FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF.

I demand my own thinking, my own way of life. Not tainted by your own crappy pain. Not needing to live in your narcisstic world. BEING FREE TO BE ME. Warts and all. Mistakes and all. Whether wrong or right. I AM ALLOWED TO BE THAT, TO DO THAT.

I AM ALLOWED.

I AM ALLOWED.

I AM ALLOWED.

Parent yourself Mark. Allow yourself to be free. Yes work through the pain, but you are allowed to be free. You don't need to follow the crap pedagogy peddled by your parents.

IT WAS WRONG.

What they taught you was wrong, because it was based on their own pain, their own twisted view of the world. They were incapable of teaching you. And you enetered the world of life, of adulthood of marriage with this horribly tainted viewpoint of the world.

And if you could work it out intellectually you already would have - for you are a bright chappy.

So don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself to cry the tears, and be nice to yourself.