The double bind.

Ok - so last post was 15th November. Now it's 30th December. That's 6 weeks..

From a therapy perspective, it's been tough, and then good. I said to my therapist that I wanted to work on the key reason I came - namely to work on that deep and dark bit within me in order to be able to better love my wife and girls.

So we focused on that. And ouch. Realising just how much of a negative impact my father made up on me as a child. It is sooo painful. It's a bin bag I don't want to open, as it feels like staring down your worst fear, biggest painful emotion, out of control, and that it will rip you apart.

And yet looking at it (or starting to), along with the corresponding emotions, has left me feeling a little freer.

As I was looking at what my father had done, I realised that the reason I struggle to do normal things that everyone else does (like drive at a normal legal speed, queue normally, follow convention) was because I was somehow trying to prove that my dad has no hold over me.

So a) I have vowed not to be like my dad, and b) I had (without realising it) set about either not being like my dad or showing that I wasn't submitting to my dad.

My therapist called it a double bind. That despite the fact that I had vowed not to be like my dad, that very vow ensured that I was still defined by my dad - as I was/am working hard not to be like him.

Wowsers - what a revelation! Realising that almost my entire life has been defined by my father (positively or negatively) is a big thing. That the reason I struggle to submit to anyone (laws or otherwise) is because I'm kicking out against my dad. It's as if I've just seen the whole of my past life through a set of different eyes.

That revelation will take some time to work through. Think through, seep in. I can drive at 30 mph behind someone else without needing to look for an overtaking spot. I can drive on a motorway without being driven to go faster and faster. That's such a change! I don't have to beat everyone, prove I'm better, stronger, fitter. I can just be me. Whomever that is..