So.. adieu 2007

2007. What a year, and maybe the best year of our marriage.

Therapy

We are both in therapy (my wife now for 15 months), me for 4-5 months. And it's life changing whilst very draining and difficult. As Jesus said, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free" along with later in the New Testament "be renewed by the washing of your mind" - that's what we are doing.

I'm very conscious that not everyone understands therapy. In fact only those who have gone through it could possibly understand it. If you are wondering about, please read Scott Peck's excellent book "A Road Less Travelled".

Girls

They both moved school (now 10 mins walk max) and have made some great friends. Life is slowing down a little. My youngest has just stopped ballet/tap/modern/freestyle at the dancing school 7 miles away, and is joining one 3 miles away that she can get to on the bus. So that means I don't have to leave work at 4.15pm to race home, pick her up, race to the dance school, plus Saturdays!

In fact we get our weekends back, so we will be able to go out as a family (something we've not been able to do so for some time). I'm planning on starting climbing with my oldest (14) - who did do it for a while and enjoyed it. So that will be some father daughter time.

House

The house project started in September, and has another 2 months to go. An extension along the back, new bedroom over the garage and new garden room - along with new windows, roof and a couple of walls moving will ensure a wow factor.

Company

The new Sales Director (started July) is working out well. We're are just about breaking even month to month at the mo, but expecting to be around £100k loss for the year by end of March. If we can improve on that I will be very happy. I'm expecting a great 2008/9.

Me

I've picked up photography - and I'm looking forward to getting out there to take some decent photos.

I asked for some art stuff for Christmas - pad and pencils to start with. I want to try some water painting. But first I need to see if I can draw! Early signs are quite promising.

I'm still watching my local football team (season ticket holder) - which is great as we are currently seeing premiership teams every week, the downside is we are losing more than we are winning!

Friendships - I've made good friends with a chap in our village -which is working out well.

Church

We've stopped going to our last church as there was very little for youth - and we (or my girls) needed it. So we are still looking around. Watch this space.


The next posting should be objectives/aims for next year!

Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year!

God's will is like a tree..

So, here's the deal. I was brought up in a home and church where there was a strong call to follow God's will. And there's nothing I'd rather do. It's as if within me there is a deep and powerful current wanting to follow God's will. At all costs.

However - what is God's will? I spent the first 15 years of my adult life trying to follow God's will in terms of full time ministry within a church. And I have to say I was the most frustrated man. Once I got to the end of the 15 years I realised that I was missing something. Maybe God wasn't wanting me to go into full time ministry - so I started my company.

But deep down I think that that strong undercurrent is still running - robbing me of peace and joy. I feel that I should be seeing many people converted, healed - in full time God work. So how can I rest? Well - I'm sure there's more to follow on this subject.

But, following on from my previous post about a double bind, I was thinking this through when I saw a tree in our front garden. And the thought struck me - which branch is correct? Is it the one that grows left, or right? The answer of course is that every branch grows towards the light (God) and is connected to the stump (vine). So there is no wrong branch. And in fact each branch branches again and again and again.



So it is with the Lord's will. There is no one will. Despite what I've been taught or chosen to believe. I felt that God's will was like the eye of a needle. Impossible to get through but I still had to try. This despite the fact that I know that I am a Christian because of Jesus did for me (grace) rather than my own works (law). Yet, there it is. I feel like I've been trying to squeeze between two very large steel plates that only has a 1/2" gap between them. The steel plates are cold, unforgiving and hard.

But, thanks and praise to God, His will is not like that. It's not like trying to pass through an eye of a needle, but it's like a tree. Which grows towards the light, left or right, it doesn't matter. There's choice, freedom.. grace I guess.

Now that's another revelation that I need to ponder for some time..!

The double bind.

Ok - so last post was 15th November. Now it's 30th December. That's 6 weeks..

From a therapy perspective, it's been tough, and then good. I said to my therapist that I wanted to work on the key reason I came - namely to work on that deep and dark bit within me in order to be able to better love my wife and girls.

So we focused on that. And ouch. Realising just how much of a negative impact my father made up on me as a child. It is sooo painful. It's a bin bag I don't want to open, as it feels like staring down your worst fear, biggest painful emotion, out of control, and that it will rip you apart.

And yet looking at it (or starting to), along with the corresponding emotions, has left me feeling a little freer.

As I was looking at what my father had done, I realised that the reason I struggle to do normal things that everyone else does (like drive at a normal legal speed, queue normally, follow convention) was because I was somehow trying to prove that my dad has no hold over me.

So a) I have vowed not to be like my dad, and b) I had (without realising it) set about either not being like my dad or showing that I wasn't submitting to my dad.

My therapist called it a double bind. That despite the fact that I had vowed not to be like my dad, that very vow ensured that I was still defined by my dad - as I was/am working hard not to be like him.

Wowsers - what a revelation! Realising that almost my entire life has been defined by my father (positively or negatively) is a big thing. That the reason I struggle to submit to anyone (laws or otherwise) is because I'm kicking out against my dad. It's as if I've just seen the whole of my past life through a set of different eyes.

That revelation will take some time to work through. Think through, seep in. I can drive at 30 mph behind someone else without needing to look for an overtaking spot. I can drive on a motorway without being driven to go faster and faster. That's such a change! I don't have to beat everyone, prove I'm better, stronger, fitter. I can just be me. Whomever that is..