Ow this hurts.. dealing with the past

So. I'm into November. And I'm hurting.

I'm realising that the reason I'm so tired/exhausted is NOT because I did 80 hour weeks at work for 4 years (though clearly that didn't help), but because I have 30 odd years of pain buried deep within me. And that pain is causing me to act and do things which are tiring.

Because of my upbringing, and how I responded to that, I have found out that;

1. I have no way of dealing with (what I perceive as) negative emotions such as anger
2. I'm a perfectionist - everything I do has to be the best, a world beater
3. I've been nurtured to be a performer - I'm on show and therefore need to maintain that perception
4. I need control to ensure others can't be in a position to hurt me
5. My dad has really hurt me
6. So has my mum..
7. My IBS symptoms, along with my general exhaustion is down to the areas above.



My dad has an angry streak. And by angry I mean unwarranted, unavoidable, unmerited anger, directed at me as a child. From a baby, through into adult life. He would flare up over anything and everything - things which were completely unconnected to me (such as there not being a newspaper waiting for him on his return from work, or one of my sisters doing something and me getting the blame). The anger would be violent. First of all came the "boil", followed by the "explosion", then the "violence", then the "guilt" and finally the "recluse". Those were the stages my dad went through.

And it was not a pleasant place to be. In fact it was awful - something which we were unable to voice at the time. I'm not sure which stage was the worst. The resigned fear of the boil, the violence, or the aftermath. But it was personal, it was directed at me (as well as anyone else in the vicinity) and it hurt.

I mean really hurt. We had no way to communicate about this at home. There was no forum for discussion. In fact we were strongly encouraged to ignore this behaviour, and act as if it weren't there. Mum would say "it's just dad, you know how it is, it'll blow over".

At an early age I vowed never to react the way my dad did. Since then I've realised that this may not be all that healthy, but as I discuss these things with my therapist - and the corresponding gut wrenching emotions that come with it - I've come to the conclusion that I've not dealt with it in any way. I've just pushed it down, internalised it.. but like the black bin bags I mentioned in a previous blog, it's still there cluttering my freedom.

And as I begin to look at it, allow myself to feel the emotions that are within me, whilst looking at why I am who I am, who I am etc - then my insides feel as if they are carrying a mountain of rock, a 12000 volt battery of emotional energy, all contained within an internal pressure cooker..

And the dawning realisation of the pain I felt as a child, and still do as an adult, is indescribable. The feelings of being let down, of trust broken, of my hero hurting me, crushing me, pulverising, beating, squashing, trampling me. And it hurts. But to let it out means becoming really vulnerable, admitting to myself in my inner most being that this was the reality - and that's too painful. And as I write this it is as if something large is inside my intestines - painful, moving..

So Lord, I want to let this go. With everything within me I need relief from the inner pain, the turmoil, the resulting perfectionism, the driveness, the control all of which rob me of freedom and peace. But to let go means (I think) I need to go there. I need to realise that' it's there (not go back into history as such, not be regressive, but confront the reality of what happened, allow myself to see the truth). Come face to face with the pain and hurt and allow it to flow out of me. And that is not easy.

OOOOOOOOOOOOWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'm really hurting.

I have forgiven my parents (lots of times) - and as far as I'm aware I have no bitterness etc. But what I haven't done is deal with the effect or impact of their imperfection. As I'm now thinking through and coming to terms with the reality of what happened (and in a way still does) I need to grieve, come to the terms with the pain that's there and let it out. And how I want to, because as I may have said already - this is really hurting..