And now work is tough.. this really is hard going..

Hmff. Just as I thought I was starting to make some progress, letting out emotions and feeling freeer somehow, with greater energy levels.. and Kaboom!

Ref the company: we are £110k down (loss) after 7 months. Takings for October were low, and it's going to be a tough quarter. I'm seeing the bank Wednesday to ask for a £250k bank/government backed loan, as well as a £150k overdraft. For the benefit of me paying extra to the bank they will ask for a hefty asset to back the overdraft.

We lost my first customer on Friday, which brings in £140k per annum, and cash up front. It was like a baby dying. My baby. I've poured my life into that accounts over 4-5 years, dealing with all the stress, ensuring we deliver what we've sold. Now times have moved on, and one of my managers has made a big mistake. Six months later, they've walked.

Then over the weekend a client who were really happy with us raised a support call with one of our support staff. The staff member refused to deal with it, claiming it wasn't a priority. Then another client.. you get the picture.

It's tough going. The support team is a mess, we are not selling enough, and are fast running out of cash. I can't tell my wife as she would only worry with no power to change anything.

There are really positive signs - namely that the management team are making a difference, but serious investment is required in new application software (min £50k per annum). The Sales Director is focusing on the right things, and looking to build pipeline with clients who both have money with and we want to work with. etc. etc.

However. Black and white. The sales figures are not high enough to pay for monthly outgoings. And we need to invest more. But we can't see sales improving much until say April next year.

I have no one to really talk this through with. I'm having to work longer hours again, and I need to ensure that everyone knows that I am supporting them. That impacts my wife. And me. And one of the things that I have learnt is that I need to give outlet to my feelings and emotions, not bottle them up and internalise them.

I've made a promising friend recently, who has himself lead a division of a business. So I've started to talk with him (this is a mutual relationship). I also see a lady who loves working with owner managers, and I'm seeing her tomorrow for lunch. So I'll pour out my heart a little then. Then of course there is my therapist - who I can be totally honest with and he will listen.

He did encourage me to write a journal - which is what this is. And I'm hoping it helps to get some of the frustration, stress and feely emotion stuff out.

Meanwhile my wife is going through her own stuff, and her words to me as I asked her how her day was whilst sitting down after getting back late were "I've been crying all day, realising the humiliation I feel of my role in this family/marriage". She's currently on the phone talking to her sister as her brother has recently found out his wife is leaving him for another man.

So, I have all this work stuff to deal with, then I need to deal with my wife's anger, hurt and frustration. And because of my relationship with my father, I take any negative emotions (not the right word, but you know what I mean) as a personal attack on me. I can't defend myself, but don't react. So I internalise that too....

And it all builds whilst internally telling myself that I am not acting to my own perfection standards and must try harder.

BUT NO. I want to break that chain. I don't want to live under the way I coped with my dad's angry and violent barrages. By being perfect so that he had less reason to randomly attack me. And not standing up and letting my emotions out.

So, I don't need to be perfect, I can express my emotions (in the right way at the right time with the right person), and I don't need to try harder.

And Lord - can I give my company back to you? As well as me. And my wife. And my girls. I love them, and there's no one better to look after them than you..