Things are a little rosier, and I'm changing

After revisiting the cash flow as per last entry, I am feeling happier. The figures we've put forward in terms of sales and costs are really worst case (though I find myself having to reclassify "worst case" as each quarter goes by...). However, the meeting with the bank managers went well. Sort of. As long as sharp intakes of breath at seeing losses for the next six months don't count. But, seeing the next financial years figures helped. That and our track record. So I'm hoping that they will be able to give the company a £150k overdraft whilst not requiring my house as the asset.. Watch this space.

My wife is still working through something painful - which makes me feel like I must be some sort of monster. Why? Because last week I was Mr Nice, this week I'm Mr Persona Non Grata, Or Worse. I find this difficult and painful. In fact I find it crushing.

I talked about it with my therapist this week. He said it was because my wife sees me as a man, but on the inside there's a little boy who is hurt and hasn't been nurtured. Work through stuff, see the truth of things, and I'll be able to nurture (parent) that part of me, which in turn will mean I will be able to relate to my wife at a different level. Currently I react on the inside as if my father was still beating me when anyone says anything against me. Deal with that, and I won't feel like that again.

Renew your mind, the truth will set you free..

I'm working 5 days this week, which is the first time I've done that in over a year. I couldn't have done it a month ago, as I was too exhausted - which shows that as I work through these painful stuff which has been internalised from the past, I am being liberated, released resulting in more energy. And so though extremely painful at times (and I mean looking at the most painful areas), I can see the change it bringing about within me, and I like it.

:)

Bad cash flow forecast - pressure!

Took 20 minutes to pray/talk to God last night. I needed to. Slept for around 6-7 hours, and then sat in traffic this morning for 30 minutes, meaning another 30 minutes with God.

'God help me' was my cry. I'm lost, can't do it, it's too difficult, but with you all things are possible.

Working on the financial forecasts for bank meeting tomorrow. We were showing £250k cash down by Dec, and getting worse before it got better. So sat down with my finance lady, put down very honest sales figures, spotted a couple of errors, and now instead of going down by £250k in December, provided the figures are right it will mean only being down £35k by end of March. That's altogether more manageable. The figures for next financial year still go to £150k overdraft/cash negative but again that's manageable.

So.. phew. I've got options again. Suddenly the bank manager meeting tomorrow isn't as key. I'm back in some form of control again :)

One of the other options is to create a new company and transfer a new product we've been working on which has taken over 300 man days to develop so far. It means we can transfer (sell asset), subject to the new company having the cash in form of a bank/government loan, £150k say into the company. That will mean we have enough cash to last, without requiring an overdraft. And as I said yesterday, an overdraft may cause complications in terms our house mortgage, and (more) freedom for my wife to do what she wants.

With the cash sale of the product to the new company, it also means that my current company would move into break even (after 6 months). The current forecast is that we will still lose another £110k by the end of the year based on the pragmatic sales figures we've used. But, as I knew this year would be a development year - if we come out with a strong management team, stronger internal systems and a stronger sales team we will be well positioned for next year.

So. A relief. A real relief. Thank you Lord.

But, because I've now had a fairly stressful three days at work (losing our first and one of our biggest customers Friday, finding out about a number of major service (client) issues on Monday and receiving the management accounts which showed a further loss in Oct with a very black forecast in terms of cash flow), and arriving home to my wife working through some of her stuff which when directed at me always feels like a twisting knife in my insides.. it's been tough with no outlet. I've not been able to talk to my wife about any of the company stuff, neither have I been able to communicate any of the feelings/stress/pressure I've been under. Instead I've had to take her issues on the chin.. further adding to my internal full up ness.

So this morning I was (whilst in the car) thinking through whom is now in my support network. My wife obviously is top of the list, but when she's working through her own stuff it means she is not available. My therapist is available once a week - which though really surprising is really making a big difference. I am currently building a new friendship with Chris who has similar background - which is working out well. I see him once every week or two, but although we've shared some quite deep stuff it's still early days. Then there is a lady (business coach) who I've got to know through work. She is very supportive (mutual), but I have to watch this relationship due to make/female thing. I've talked to her about the Lord which has resulted in her finding God. She's challenged me on my drive, and encouraged me with the therapist. So it's actually a really good relationship, but she did say that to start with there was an issue for her reference attractiveness. Although I'm not attracted to her in that way, she backed off for a couple of months.

And that's it. So I want to increase my support network (friendships), but this takes time. I'm pleased about Chris.

So.

Some tough stuff going on, but the toughest is the internal stuff. My history hurting me now until I've worked through it, plus my wife's stuff which frankly adds to my internal stuff (my issue not hers). But, God is good, I chose to believe that He is going to help me so that the end result brings glory to Him.

And now work is tough.. this really is hard going..

Hmff. Just as I thought I was starting to make some progress, letting out emotions and feeling freeer somehow, with greater energy levels.. and Kaboom!

Ref the company: we are £110k down (loss) after 7 months. Takings for October were low, and it's going to be a tough quarter. I'm seeing the bank Wednesday to ask for a £250k bank/government backed loan, as well as a £150k overdraft. For the benefit of me paying extra to the bank they will ask for a hefty asset to back the overdraft.

We lost my first customer on Friday, which brings in £140k per annum, and cash up front. It was like a baby dying. My baby. I've poured my life into that accounts over 4-5 years, dealing with all the stress, ensuring we deliver what we've sold. Now times have moved on, and one of my managers has made a big mistake. Six months later, they've walked.

Then over the weekend a client who were really happy with us raised a support call with one of our support staff. The staff member refused to deal with it, claiming it wasn't a priority. Then another client.. you get the picture.

It's tough going. The support team is a mess, we are not selling enough, and are fast running out of cash. I can't tell my wife as she would only worry with no power to change anything.

There are really positive signs - namely that the management team are making a difference, but serious investment is required in new application software (min £50k per annum). The Sales Director is focusing on the right things, and looking to build pipeline with clients who both have money with and we want to work with. etc. etc.

However. Black and white. The sales figures are not high enough to pay for monthly outgoings. And we need to invest more. But we can't see sales improving much until say April next year.

I have no one to really talk this through with. I'm having to work longer hours again, and I need to ensure that everyone knows that I am supporting them. That impacts my wife. And me. And one of the things that I have learnt is that I need to give outlet to my feelings and emotions, not bottle them up and internalise them.

I've made a promising friend recently, who has himself lead a division of a business. So I've started to talk with him (this is a mutual relationship). I also see a lady who loves working with owner managers, and I'm seeing her tomorrow for lunch. So I'll pour out my heart a little then. Then of course there is my therapist - who I can be totally honest with and he will listen.

He did encourage me to write a journal - which is what this is. And I'm hoping it helps to get some of the frustration, stress and feely emotion stuff out.

Meanwhile my wife is going through her own stuff, and her words to me as I asked her how her day was whilst sitting down after getting back late were "I've been crying all day, realising the humiliation I feel of my role in this family/marriage". She's currently on the phone talking to her sister as her brother has recently found out his wife is leaving him for another man.

So, I have all this work stuff to deal with, then I need to deal with my wife's anger, hurt and frustration. And because of my relationship with my father, I take any negative emotions (not the right word, but you know what I mean) as a personal attack on me. I can't defend myself, but don't react. So I internalise that too....

And it all builds whilst internally telling myself that I am not acting to my own perfection standards and must try harder.

BUT NO. I want to break that chain. I don't want to live under the way I coped with my dad's angry and violent barrages. By being perfect so that he had less reason to randomly attack me. And not standing up and letting my emotions out.

So, I don't need to be perfect, I can express my emotions (in the right way at the right time with the right person), and I don't need to try harder.

And Lord - can I give my company back to you? As well as me. And my wife. And my girls. I love them, and there's no one better to look after them than you..

Ow this hurts.. dealing with the past

So. I'm into November. And I'm hurting.

I'm realising that the reason I'm so tired/exhausted is NOT because I did 80 hour weeks at work for 4 years (though clearly that didn't help), but because I have 30 odd years of pain buried deep within me. And that pain is causing me to act and do things which are tiring.

Because of my upbringing, and how I responded to that, I have found out that;

1. I have no way of dealing with (what I perceive as) negative emotions such as anger
2. I'm a perfectionist - everything I do has to be the best, a world beater
3. I've been nurtured to be a performer - I'm on show and therefore need to maintain that perception
4. I need control to ensure others can't be in a position to hurt me
5. My dad has really hurt me
6. So has my mum..
7. My IBS symptoms, along with my general exhaustion is down to the areas above.



My dad has an angry streak. And by angry I mean unwarranted, unavoidable, unmerited anger, directed at me as a child. From a baby, through into adult life. He would flare up over anything and everything - things which were completely unconnected to me (such as there not being a newspaper waiting for him on his return from work, or one of my sisters doing something and me getting the blame). The anger would be violent. First of all came the "boil", followed by the "explosion", then the "violence", then the "guilt" and finally the "recluse". Those were the stages my dad went through.

And it was not a pleasant place to be. In fact it was awful - something which we were unable to voice at the time. I'm not sure which stage was the worst. The resigned fear of the boil, the violence, or the aftermath. But it was personal, it was directed at me (as well as anyone else in the vicinity) and it hurt.

I mean really hurt. We had no way to communicate about this at home. There was no forum for discussion. In fact we were strongly encouraged to ignore this behaviour, and act as if it weren't there. Mum would say "it's just dad, you know how it is, it'll blow over".

At an early age I vowed never to react the way my dad did. Since then I've realised that this may not be all that healthy, but as I discuss these things with my therapist - and the corresponding gut wrenching emotions that come with it - I've come to the conclusion that I've not dealt with it in any way. I've just pushed it down, internalised it.. but like the black bin bags I mentioned in a previous blog, it's still there cluttering my freedom.

And as I begin to look at it, allow myself to feel the emotions that are within me, whilst looking at why I am who I am, who I am etc - then my insides feel as if they are carrying a mountain of rock, a 12000 volt battery of emotional energy, all contained within an internal pressure cooker..

And the dawning realisation of the pain I felt as a child, and still do as an adult, is indescribable. The feelings of being let down, of trust broken, of my hero hurting me, crushing me, pulverising, beating, squashing, trampling me. And it hurts. But to let it out means becoming really vulnerable, admitting to myself in my inner most being that this was the reality - and that's too painful. And as I write this it is as if something large is inside my intestines - painful, moving..

So Lord, I want to let this go. With everything within me I need relief from the inner pain, the turmoil, the resulting perfectionism, the driveness, the control all of which rob me of freedom and peace. But to let go means (I think) I need to go there. I need to realise that' it's there (not go back into history as such, not be regressive, but confront the reality of what happened, allow myself to see the truth). Come face to face with the pain and hurt and allow it to flow out of me. And that is not easy.

OOOOOOOOOOOOWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'm really hurting.

I have forgiven my parents (lots of times) - and as far as I'm aware I have no bitterness etc. But what I haven't done is deal with the effect or impact of their imperfection. As I'm now thinking through and coming to terms with the reality of what happened (and in a way still does) I need to grieve, come to the terms with the pain that's there and let it out. And how I want to, because as I may have said already - this is really hurting..