'God designed men to be dangerous', says John Eldredge. Simply look at the dreams and desires written in the heart of every boy: to be a hero, to be a warrior, to live a life of adventure and risk. Sadly, most men abandon those dreams and desires - aided by a Christianity that feels like nothing more than pressure to be a "nice guy." It is no wonder that many men avoid church, and those who go are often passive and bored to death. In this provocative book, Eldredge gives women a look inside the true heart of a man and gives men permission to be what God designed them to be - dangerous, passionate, alive, and free.
I'm about 2/3rds of the way through. And I've hit a chapter that caused tears to stream down my face as I read it. I won't spoil the book for you if you are reading this, but in short it hit me with the following :-
- I have a wound
- It was (most likely) put there by my dad
- I've owned the wound as mine
- I've built up a false self around the wound (drive, selfishness, ego)
- I don't admit to the wound
- It matters and it's not my fault
- God wants to heal the wound, in fact He's the only one who can heal me
I struggle in my marriage, driven by duty and guilt, not being free to be a man. I struggle being a dad, feeling like I can't get through and am not respected. I'm driven, bossy, controlling, lonely, trying, hoping, trying, trying, trying. Yes, I have a strong self worth. I really have. But. Always trying. Getting it wrong, messing it up, failing, yet trying.
God - help. Help me. I surrender. Come to me. Open my heart. Allow me to cry. Years of pain. Years of trying to be something I know I am not. Come and heal me. Speak into my heart. Cos no one else can. Not my wife, not me, not my dad, not my girls. Only you. Only you.
Currently my wife can't speak to me. Again. Cos of something I've done wrong. Now - I could fight and point out that she's due on, is suffering with her own wounds. But I find it hard when I try so hard all of the time. I try and show her affection. Give her a hug. Compliment her on something or other. Try and talk to her. But she blanks me. I challenge her on it and she claims it's my issue to deal with. She's being perfectly polite she says. I need to deal with x or y. Bollocks thinks I. You are being civil, but not loving. You are cutting me up. Ignoring me hurts me to my core. She feels fully justified because of all the areas I've written about in this blog. A week ago I was mr lovely. This week I'm persona non grata. One week I don't initiate sex (what's wrong with you? Am I not a woman?) the next the very hint of sex from me and it's don't come near me, I can't trust you. You've hurt me. I'm on a snakes and ladders game, never knowing from one day to the next where I stand. She's dispassionate, and yet how come I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster?
ARggghh. Could it be that my wife is struggling with her own issues, and transferring them onto me? Of course. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I (from duty, guilt or godliness) try. Try. There's that word again. Try and talk to her. Listen to her machine gun my character/me. I listen, knowing that I can't really reply as I would like because a) that's confrontation/emotion and a long time ago I decided not to do that (which I'm working through b) she can't handle it.
It's my fault. That's how I feel. Everything that's wrong in our marriage, a lot of what's wrong with my wife is my fault, our relationship is my fault. I can't support her, I've treated her like a mistress whilst I set up the company, I'm bossy, I'm controlling, I've not cherished her, I'm not responsible, I don't take responsibility for the girls, I don't really love her (in the sense of giving my life for her). And the thing is, she's right. And I recognise my own faults. And am working hard on trying to get to a place where I can be fixed.
But I can't change over night. And I feel it does no good for my wife to constantly (that's how it feels to me) criticise me. I may get some affirmation/praise/encouragement/affection for a very small part of a month. Affection maybe a couple of times lasting minutes. But the rest of the time I feel that I am in the dog house, trying to make up for past sins.
And yet my wife is nothing like some of my friend's wives I see. She doesn't put me down publicly. She isn't as bad as I portray. I love her dearly. And I know that she loves me. It's just. It's just that is how I feel. I'm not good enough. I'm failing her. I'm the cause of her pain/loss/anxiety/stress. And I can't take it any more.
And yet I take Friday's off - and that day is spent doing what Caroline wants. I work from home Wednesdays which actually means I take her to her counsellor (20 mins away), wait an hour, then go for a drink/walk/lunch afterwards for her to talk through stuff. I'm also available for the rest of the day. I'm home by 6.30 Mon, Tue and Thurs. I get the girls up for school, make sure they've gone to school. I take the girls and Caroline wherever they want to go. That means for my youngest trips out Thurs night, Saturday and Sunday for her dancing/singing (20 mins each way). Saturday and Sunday's are hers. Every evening is hers. I rarely go out myself (I'm working on this). I take Caroline wherever she wants to go - as she doesn't drive.
Caroline arranges things, and then they turn out to be too much for her. So I have to change my plans to support her. Often at short notice. If I don't then clearly I don't love/support her in the way she has for me. Holidays - she'll book then not enjoy. I get the blame. It's somehow my fault because I'm not taking initiative, I'm switched off, don't enjoy the types of holiday she would etc. etc.
She's reliant on me. She has no friends. She doesn't see family. She doesn't go out other than when she is with me. It wasn't always like this. Before we got married she went interailing around Europe. But now she blames me that she can't do that.
In a sense it's like me being a carer. There are good times and bad times. She knows her own mind, she's bright, intuitive, creative. She can be the most gracious woman on the planet. Actually too gracious, committing to things she can't follow through on which requires me to follow through. She's loving, sensitive, warm, and gives of herself. She can be incredibly sexy, passionate, erotic. But as a percentage of time she's these good things? Right now it feels like less than 20%.
And it's all my fault.
No wonder I'm shot to pieces.
I'm finished. I'm done. Exhausted. My insides are twisted.
God I'm wounded. Help me. Help me sort the chaff from the wheat. Help me stand up to be a man. A godly husband and loving father. Help me to confront where I need to confront. Help me to love, be gracious, supporting where I need to do those things. Help me. In short. Please help me.
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