Emotions!

Well. What to report. I'm not getting quality regular time to pray at the moment :(. I'm reading the Bible over breakfast - which is something. But I'm not beating myself up.

I/we are making progress on the personal front. This last week has been really good. My wife and I have had really good chats about some really deep things. How I perceive her apparent up/down swings and impact on me (I.e. it's not all my fault, but stuff in her past). She has spoken with me about my frequent inability to really connect at a deep emotional level. Both conversations were life changing.

We had a great weekend (in the sense of our relationship, the weekend itself involved Fri, Sat and Sun taxiing which was tiring!), and when I came home Monday night my wife was really... attractive. She was chirpy, fun, light, and it was a relief. In fact I was quite emotional. We talked later that night, and we both had a good cry together. She's dealing with her past, I'm working through mine, and we are working together for each other. And it's great.

I remember shortly after getting married that another chap told me that marriage and everything that goes with it just gets better. And I agree. Provided you keep working at it, investing it, treating your wife as your treasure, it does get better. It gets you through the hard times, and allows you to celebrate the good. Together.

I saw my therapist this afternoon (first time in 4 weeks due to hols etc). And it went ok. I explained much of my last 2 postings. He said that it appeared to him that we (I) deal with a load of negative stuff as children, then we go into adult life and deal with more stuff there. Eventually it gets too much and it starts affecting us. Until we deal with it we become overrun. The deal is work through stuff to be free from it. Most of us (me until now) just push down negative stuff. Apparently the vast majority of his clients have some kind of irritable bowel. It's as if we push stuff down, et voila. There's the physical being impacted by the emotion/psyche.

I'm enjoying the fact that I feel emotional, and am very aware of the deep grunging/twisting in my guts which has been there for some time now. Whenever I get stressed, or deal with a thorny issue, it feels like someone has grabbed my guts, and is twisting them. I believe that's the crap that I've pushed down there, and I want to deal with it. My therapist says this takes time, and is a gradual process. I want it out now. But there you go.

So. All in all, the company is making a loss (6 months in and around £100-140k down), I have a new sales director who is doing very well, releasing me to give me more time, I work 3-4 days a week, taking more time for myself, working through issues, feeling emotional.. I've sold my big merc (for a £10k loss :( over 4 months), and have just bought a Golf (for 12 months). Building work is progressing quickly (walls going up along back of house).

So that's it. Update complete.

OK - I'm fighting..

Ok - hot on the list of yesterday.. thinking about it more last night, and whilst sleeping, and this morning.. And being encouraged to fight from the book mentioned yesterday, I'm going to fight .

As I was reading this morning I was struck by a number of things; (Matthew 9).

1. The lady with the issue of blood for 12 years pushed through that she may only touch His garment to be healed
2. The ruler's daughter who had died, but whom Jesus raised back to life
3. The lady with the bleeding, that despite the fact that Jesus was on a mission that did not put her off, and Jesus had the time and compassion to address/heal her
4. Two blind people followed Jesus crying out to Him to be healed

Now hears the thing. All of these people went to Jesus, Jesus did not come to them. (Ok theologically He did, but you know what I mean). They went to Him. Out of their desperation. They were desperate. They had tried everything. The woman had used all her life's savings. How often do we do everything bar go to the One who has the answer? The doctors, change our diet, psychotherapy, dietitian, gym, life coaching, reading, research in the internet, push more, strive more... and we don't take our daily bread, and drink the daily living water. We forget that we are a branch in the vine. That without Him we can do nothing.

So here's what I am going to do. I started well, I now need to continue.

I need to try and gain a daily time with God. Where I read the Bible, meditate, worship and pray. And I need to fight for this. He is my answer. He is my life. He is my strength. He is my joy. He is my peace. He is my redeemer, my comforter, my counsellor, my high tower, my light to my path, my guide, my saviour, my companion, my friend on the journey, my trusty mate, my confident, my greatest champion, my mentor/coach, my leader, my soul buddy, my spiritual father, my carer, my reason for living. He is my passion, my love, my delight. He is all I need.

And here's the hit list. My flow of blood, my blindness, my death;

1. My history/past which causes me to act as I do today
2. My false self, my alter ego, that which I've built up to protect me from the hurts of the past and current
3. My wife - that she may continue to move into life in all it's fullness
4. daughter 1&2 - that they may continue to grow up into the beauty that they are, whilst being totally encapsulated by the Lord's beauty
5. The rest of the balance list..

God, Heavenly Father, I bring these areas to You. You love me, died for me, created me. You care more about me than I can possible understand. But I want to fight with your truth, your spirit. God, Father, in Jesus' name I stand upon the truth of your word, the blood you shed, the truth about me. I believe in You. Deliver me, heal me, restore me. And the same for my wife and daughters. In Jesus name..

I'm hurting..

I'm currently reading a book called "Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul " by Jon Eldredge. I was lent it by a friend who has recently separated from his wife of 20+ years. From Jon's own description of the book;

'God designed men to be dangerous', says John Eldredge. Simply look at the dreams and desires written in the heart of every boy: to be a hero, to be a warrior, to live a life of adventure and risk. Sadly, most men abandon those dreams and desires - aided by a Christianity that feels like nothing more than pressure to be a "nice guy." It is no wonder that many men avoid church, and those who go are often passive and bored to death. In this provocative book, Eldredge gives women a look inside the true heart of a man and gives men permission to be what God designed them to be - dangerous, passionate, alive, and free.

I'm about 2/3rds of the way through. And I've hit a chapter that caused tears to stream down my face as I read it. I won't spoil the book for you if you are reading this, but in short it hit me with the following :-

1. I have a wound
2. It was (most likely) put there by my dad
3. I've owned the wound as mine
   
4. I've built up a false self around the wound (drive, selfishness, ego)
   
5. I don't admit to the wound
6. It matters and it's not my fault
7. God wants to heal the wound, in fact He's the only one who can heal me

And boy do I have a wound. And it hurts. And I've ignored it all my life. And I've concentrated so hard on trying to be a man by building a personality around the wound. I'm failing. Tired. Hurt. In pain. Exhausted. Unable to continue. Alone. Desperate, but not desperate enough to wholeheartedly go to the One, the only One, who can heal my wound. Who can whisper into my heart unconditional acceptance, love, affirmation.. who can whisper my name.

I struggle in my marriage, driven by duty and guilt, not being free to be a man. I struggle being a dad, feeling like I can't get through and am not respected. I'm driven, bossy, controlling, lonely, trying, hoping, trying, trying, trying. Yes, I have a strong self worth. I really have. But. Always trying. Getting it wrong, messing it up, failing, yet trying.

God - help. Help me. I surrender. Come to me. Open my heart. Allow me to cry. Years of pain. Years of trying to be something I know I am not. Come and heal me. Speak into my heart. Cos no one else can. Not my wife, not me, not my dad, not my girls. Only you. Only you.

Currently my wife can't speak to me. Again. Cos of something I've done wrong. Now - I could fight and point out that she's due on, is suffering with her own wounds. But I find it hard when I try so hard all of the time. I try and show her affection. Give her a hug. Compliment her on something or other. Try and talk to her. But she blanks me. I challenge her on it and she claims it's my issue to deal with. She's being perfectly polite she says. I need to deal with x or y. Bollocks thinks I. You are being civil, but not loving. You are cutting me up. Ignoring me hurts me to my core. She feels fully justified because of all the areas I've written about in this blog. A week ago I was mr lovely. This week I'm persona non grata. One week I don't initiate sex (what's wrong with you? Am I not a woman?) the next the very hint of sex from me and it's don't come near me, I can't trust you. You've hurt me. I'm on a snakes and ladders game, never knowing from one day to the next where I stand. She's dispassionate, and yet how come I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster?

ARggghh. Could it be that my wife is struggling with her own issues, and transferring them onto me? Of course. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I (from duty, guilt or godliness) try. Try. There's that word again. Try and talk to her. Listen to her machine gun my character/me. I listen, knowing that I can't really reply as I would like because a) that's confrontation/emotion and a long time ago I decided not to do that (which I'm working through b) she can't handle it.

It's my fault. That's how I feel. Everything that's wrong in our marriage, a lot of what's wrong with my wife is my fault, our relationship is my fault. I can't support her, I've treated her like a mistress whilst I set up the company, I'm bossy, I'm controlling, I've not cherished her, I'm not responsible, I don't take responsibility for the girls, I don't really love her (in the sense of giving my life for her). And the thing is, she's right. And I recognise my own faults. And am working hard on trying to get to a place where I can be fixed.

But I can't change over night. And I feel it does no good for my wife to constantly (that's how it feels to me) criticise me. I may get some affirmation/praise/encouragement/affection for a very small part of a month. Affection maybe a couple of times lasting minutes. But the rest of the time I feel that I am in the dog house, trying to make up for past sins.

And yet my wife is nothing like some of my friend's wives I see. She doesn't put me down publicly. She isn't as bad as I portray. I love her dearly. And I know that she loves me. It's just. It's just that is how I feel. I'm not good enough. I'm failing her. I'm the cause of her pain/loss/anxiety/stress. And I can't take it any more.

And yet I take Friday's off - and that day is spent doing what Caroline wants. I work from home Wednesdays which actually means I take her to her counsellor (20 mins away), wait an hour, then go for a drink/walk/lunch afterwards for her to talk through stuff. I'm also available for the rest of the day. I'm home by 6.30 Mon, Tue and Thurs. I get the girls up for school, make sure they've gone to school. I take the girls and Caroline wherever they want to go. That means for my youngest trips out Thurs night, Saturday and Sunday for her dancing/singing (20 mins each way). Saturday and Sunday's are hers. Every evening is hers. I rarely go out myself (I'm working on this). I take Caroline wherever she wants to go - as she doesn't drive.

Caroline arranges things, and then they turn out to be too much for her. So I have to change my plans to support her. Often at short notice. If I don't then clearly I don't love/support her in the way she has for me. Holidays - she'll book then not enjoy. I get the blame. It's somehow my fault because I'm not taking initiative, I'm switched off, don't enjoy the types of holiday she would etc. etc.

She's reliant on me. She has no friends. She doesn't see family. She doesn't go out other than when she is with me. It wasn't always like this. Before we got married she went interailing around Europe. But now she blames me that she can't do that.

In a sense it's like me being a carer. There are good times and bad times. She knows her own mind, she's bright, intuitive, creative. She can be the most gracious woman on the planet. Actually too gracious, committing to things she can't follow through on which requires me to follow through. She's loving, sensitive, warm, and gives of herself. She can be incredibly sexy, passionate, erotic. But as a percentage of time she's these good things? Right now it feels like less than 20%.

And it's all my fault.

No wonder I'm shot to pieces.


I'm finished. I'm done. Exhausted. My insides are twisted.

God I'm wounded. Help me. Help me sort the chaff from the wheat. Help me stand up to be a man. A godly husband and loving father. Help me to confront where I need to confront. Help me to love, be gracious, supporting where I need to do those things. Help me. In short. Please help me.

General catch up - It's going well & I'm so proud!

Last Sunday during worship at my church, I had a real sense that I had been fathered over the last year. This grew so that I commented to my wife some time later - "you know, I really feel like i've been fathered this year". And looking back it's true. It's as if God has been on my case, but as a loving father would. Not giving up, not letting go, stopping me because He loves me. And it's a great realisation!

I'm more faithful/caring/loving to my wife, more faithful/loving/caring to my daughters. I have a work/home balance I've never had before. I get more sleep, more rest, more relaxation.. Oh - there's still so much to do. I know that, and look to my Father in heaven to initiate it. But, hey, it's good!

Seperately - the house project has now started. We are having a large extension added to the house, so that my wife can learn and go and do it on other houses. I've taken the liberty of having a pond dug (well, there was a digger) - and it's not a bad size. Photos to follow.

The girls (14 & 11) started at their new school last week - and they did very well. I'm so proud of them. They seem to have mixed well, being balanced, fun, warm and outgoing at the same time. I am so proud of them, and proud of my wife and I for having such wonderful daughters. I'm just proud!