Why am I so driven?

Ten years ago if you'd told me I was driven I would have smirked at you, thinking you deluded. Ten years on and I now realise that indeed I am driven. Whatever I do I do it to the full. Church, my business, a pond..

If I'm trimming a hedge, I don't just trim it, I cut it back. So much in fact that the last hedge of 30 year old conifers I "trimmed" haven't recovered in 6 months - they are still brown with no new growth along their edges - and now need to be chopped down. My point being that I go over the top.

Why am I so driven? Why does that drive translate into me doing, doing, doing and not being, being, being? Over the last year I've worked very hard at changing my life, re balancing, focusing on my real treasure (wife ,girls), taking time out - and yet I am still driven.

Now being driven can be a positive thing - as my therapist is quick to point out. Without drive I would not have started my own business, would not want to be a better father/husband, move onto new things. So yes, having drive is good.

But being driven means that the drive becomes all consuming. So if I do a business, I do it for 80-90 hours a week. If I do church, I fill every evening and weekend with church activities. If I decide to build a pond, I work out the best, biggest pond possible (which would rival professional koi show ponds). If I drive somewhere, I work out the best route, fastest route, cheapest route, and ensure that no one beats me on my journey - going everywhere way beyond the legal limit. (though I have to say that I've been working hard on the driving a car thing - and now travel much more sedately - primarily because of the stress I now realise it causes within me).

And all this driveness drives my wife crazy. I go to the nth degree on everything. Well, not everything, but a lot of things. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be thought out. I want no one to be able to tell me they could have done it better, stronger, neater, fitter etc.

If I am out with my wife and we want to eat or snooze somewhere with a view, I will drive for 30 minutes trying to find the perfect spot - rather than picking the less than perfect slots before. It's like I can't settle for anything other than great. I can't allow anyone else to beat me.

And therein lies the rub. I may have already mentioned this, but I drove something like 400 miles across Holland, Belgium, France and then up to the Midlands and could tell you that only three cars had overtaken me the whole journey (this was 18 months ago). I realise that this is both destructive and issue laden.

Why?

Because I don't want to be beaten. Or rather I can't allow anyone to get the better of me. It's not because I want to drive fast perse (though I do enjoy speed), it's not that I want the most money, the biggest house, the best car. No, it's because I don't want anyone to get the better of me.

Why?

Because I was bullied as a child. And as I moved through my teenager years into adulthood I worked hard at this. I decided at some point that I was never going to put myself into a position where anyone could bully me (get the better of me) again. And I've honed this skill to become the person I am today.

And today, I am successful in the world's eyes. I run my own successful and growing business, I am married (17 years) to a fantastic wife who I love dearly with two beautiful girls growing up to be well adjusted confident and pretty. We live in a nice house in a nice area - and are adding a large extension to it. I drive a top of the range Mercedes 4x4 which is fully loaded... I have it all. But it's not what I want. Well..

I want to be happy, content, at peace, adventurous, risk taking, gracious, loving, strong, soft... and those things are nothing to do with businesses, cars or houses. They are everything to do with who I am.

I want to lose the stress in my gut, I want to lose the negative aspects of being driven, I want to have clear eyes which aren't puffy/red. I want to be fit and be able to run without getting knackered. I want to have time for my treasure. I want to have time.

So, this driveness thing is a big deal. And I'm working on it..