Mental wholeness = being free from the past.

In Scott Peck's excellent book "Road Less Travelled" he explains the various factors which make up mental wholeness and comes to the conclusion (and he wrote this as a non Christian) that it is only some benevolent grace which allows us to function at all. When we add up the imperfection of our parents and those who nurtured us it is a surprise that we can functional at anything like wholeness...

So God's grace is evident. Shielding us from the worst of our parent's imperfections, and as we make decisions towards wholeness (Christlike maturity) His grace becomes the more evident. However, becoming a Christian does not make us perfect in our character/personality, and certainly does not put right our self image the day we come to Christ.

This takes time, reflection, meditation, prayer, hearing the truth, applying the truth, knowing the truth in our insides. Not just some mental assent, agreeing wholeheartedly to a sermon.. but deep down knowledge of the truth. After all as Jesus said it is knowing the truth that sets us free. And how do we know the truth? By reflecting, meditation, praying, hearing, applying, knowing the truth.. I.e. it's a process. It takes time. It can be hard work, challenging, difficult. Really hard. Can be like peeling an onion.- you deal with one layer only to find another one - but all the time getting closer to the core of truth.

For me, I'm asking for help from someone who is a professionally trained psychologist, who will commit to seeing me every week for as long as it takes (he believed 2-4 years is average), who listens to me (the hour is about me, not about him). And he challenges my thinking, but more than that he encourages me to take time, be reflective, meditate, and actually look at the issues (layers of the onion).

How do you feel? How does that make you feel? How did you feel?

And as he asks these questions I need to stop. And actually listen to what my body is telling me. I think that we (me !!) in the west are so focused on rational, logic, intellect that we've forgotten that God gave us a body with emotions, a soul, a gut, a heart.. Laughter is medicine to the bones. A merry heart brings a joyful countenance. Reading the Psalms we can see how David wrestles with emotions, crying himself dry, insides twisting.. and in these sessions with my therapist he gets me to look at what is actually going on on the inside. And it's not pleasant. I become aware of a twisting feeling in my gut, strong emotions which I have no idea what they are doing there..

And whilst the spotlight shines on these dark areas, the gut wrenching (and believe me that is what it is) is difficult. It makes me realise that all is not well in planet Mark Andrew. Oh I know it mentally (being tired, irritable bowel, drivenness etc.), but then feeling it - it's almost as if it a realisation that all is really not well. I can't escape from it by moving on, by driving, pushing.. but I have to deal with it.

So that's what I'm doing. I want to be empathetic and supportive of those around me on a day by day basis. I don't want to be driven by the past, but by God's grace. I don't want to contend with guilt every day, instead to experience life and joy. I want to be free to be all whom God created me to be. And Lord, that's my prayer.