Guilt! It's there and I don't want it..

As I was talking with my wife at the weekend, and as per my last blog entry, I came to the dawning realisation that I had no way of coping once I went to school. Why? Because a) my dad had bullied me (anger, unpredictive, uncontrolled, abusive) and b) my mum had supported my dad - and lead by her own example encouraging us to ignore it, let it blow over, it was something that couldn't be tackled - i.e. lay down and submit to it.

The result? I was unable to stand up for myself. It was like someone had painted a bulls eye on every part of my body. You can have me, as I won't fight back. In fact, I'm expecting you to bully me. Go ahead.

And as I moved onto high school I turned this into a martyr complex - hey, if I'm going to get bullied, I may as well get bullied for my faith. So I did. And I was.

It wasn't until 13 when I had a very powerful encounter with God (filled with the Holy Spirit) that my life changed. That was in June 1982. By the time I went back to school I was a changed man - and I remember thinking that it was as if God had wiped clean the memory of every person who knew me. It was later that I realised that it was me that had changed, not them.

But, back to the subject..

So what did my parent's behaviour tell me about me as a child growing up? My wife's therapist told her that by the age of two she knew where she stood with her mother. What had my parent's behaviour told me about me by the time I was two?

Was I in a safe nurturing place where I was welcomed, loved unconditionally and could express myself without fear of reprisal? Could I wake up each day and live the day without the fear of the protector (dad) flying into a rage? Could I expect my mother to stand up for me? Would I tap into their own unresolved hurts and pains from the past? Confirming the scripture that says the sins will be passed on to the children, and the children's children?

Whatever, all I know is that when I went into the real world (school) at 4 I was ill prepared. Hated it. Was rejected. Was not a good time. I didn't fit. That's probably what hurts the most. It was if I didn't fit, was somehow a reject, outcast. It didn't help that I was living in Belgium and will have learnt the language primarily at school - but I don't think that explains it at all. When I moved to england at eight, went to high school at 11 - the whole time I was bullied.

I didn't cry, didn't talk to anyone about it (what could they do?).. The saving grace was that I did have a good friend at home till 13 (when he went off to do with girls what you do with girls), and at high school I had a good friend (who happened to be the smallest in the year - so wasn't much help when I was being bullied!). And I had no problems at church - leading youth groups, worship etc..

But within the school context I was unhappy.

Fast forward to today.

I find myself consumed with guilt, can be both overly driven/proactive and passive at the same time. Passive because I don't know my own mind on certain areas (growing up my mother was very sentimental, and we had to do things out of duty, because it was the right thing, don't you know I'll be upset - control really).. but guilt. Why guilt?

If like today (I'm on holiday from work) I get out of bed and come downstairs without talking to my wife first, I feel guilty. I'm now sat here working through deep things, and somewhere I feel guilty for it. If I do anything for me, I feel guilty. Why?

I wonder whether the drive is a drive to get away from something. To get away from my mother's control, her sentimentality, her emancipation of me, to get away from my dad's unpredictive anger/rage, to not to have to feel the pain of unrequited relationship with my parents, and to run away from the guilt I feel but which has lodged itself deep within my gut - refusing to let go.

I drive, drive, drive. Must do better. Must ensure others can't have a hold over me (my dad? my mum? those I come into contact with?).

But again, why the guilt? I think that the guilt is deeper seated than just the fact that I'm not with my wife or daughters at any particular time. I believe it ties back into my childhood, and what my parents told me about me. That's not easy to fix..