Calvinism - I don't agree with it but it's shaped my life!

So, what's it like? Psychotherapy. Potentially hard enough for anyone. But for a christian who has been taught that we can find all things in Christ? That Jesus is the way the truth and the life? That it's Him who sets us free?

You know.. I think that Calvinism has a lot to answer for. I'm not here to offer a theologian's perspective on Calvinism. Rather, how it has coloured my life..

[rereading this after I posted it, I think I need to explain in more depth what I mean by my take on calvinism, and maybe what I really mean - which I really haven't done]

For a brief review of Calvinism look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calvinism. Specifically read the five points of Calvinism (TULIP). If you can't be bothered to read it (and I would understand) the five points are as follows (from wikipedia): -

The five points of Calvinism, which can be remembered by the English mnemonic TULIP are:

• Total depravity (or total inability): As a consequence of the fall of man, every person born into the world is enslaved to the service of sin. According to the view, people are not by nature inclined to love God with their whole heart, mind, or strength, but rather all are inclined to serve their own interests over those of their neighbor and to reject the rule of God. Thus, all people by their own faculties are morally unable to choose to follow God and be saved because they are unwilling to do so out of the necessity of their own natures. (The term "total" in this context refers to sin affecting every part of a person, not that every person is as evil as possible.)
• Unconditional election: God's choice from eternity of those whom he will bring to himself is not based on foreseen virtue, merit, or faith in those people. Rather, it is unconditionally grounded in God's mercy.
• Limited atonement (or particular redemption or definite atonement): The death of Christ actually takes away the penalty of sins of those on whom God has chosen to have mercy. It is "limited" to taking away the sins of the elect, not of all humanity, and it is "definite" and "particular" because atonement is certain for those particular persons.
• Irresistible grace (or efficacious grace): The saving grace of God is effectually applied to those whom he has determined to save (the elect) and, in God's timing, overcomes their resistance to obeying the call of the gospel, bringing them to a saving faith in Christ.
• Perseverance of the saints (or preservation of the saints): Any person who has once been truly saved from damnation must necessarily persevere and cannot later be condemned. The word saints is used in the Biblical sense to refer to all who are set apart by God, not in the technical sense of one who is exceptionally holy, canonized, or in heaven (see Saint).

Now - what's my beef? Apart from realising that I'm not a Calvinist, I realise that much of the teaching I have received as a child growing up (charismatic, pentecostal, "free" churches), and much of my thinking has been developed along Calvinistic principals. What do I mean? (and feel free to correct me on where you think my thinking is wrong).

There's only one way of doing it. God has a single plan, a single destiny, a level of holiness which is derived not from OT law (as that would be legalistic!), but instead holiness derived from NT law. And that's how I've been living my life.

My wife is the one who points this out. Ask me about how church should run, whether someone should go out with a non christian, how someone is saved, how we can be filled with the Holy Spirit, and I can preach for hours. Ask me about hobbies, collecting things, walking, what extension we should have, what colour something should be, what plants I like, where I want to go on holiday - and I'm lost. Why? Because it's not in the Bible. So I don't have an opinion, I'm a blank. And that's what annoys my wife so much.

I can lay the law down (what I would call NT law), telling my girls how to behave, how often we should go to church, giving money, serving in church, serving others. My wife likens it to being like the Amish. We watched a programme on the Amish people. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amish). The TV programme we watched showed them to a people who worshipped God, but were completely cut off from the world. Didn't mix with non Amish people (Amish are Anabaptists), don't take electric, don't take anything from the government, and ride horses everywhere. The family the TV followed had around 15 children. The children were well behaved, polite and well rounded - bar the fact that they had no idea or concept of what was going on in the rest of the world. Had someone have asked them what they thought of salmon fishing, running, the internet, mobile phones - they would have been uncomfortable. Because their expression of their faith doesn't cover it, and gives no real basis to answer those questions (I'm add libbing here).

That's a little of what I am like. And it needs to change. I need to be able to enjoy life even if it's not within what I would define as NT law. Taking time out to pursue things which don't directly extend God's kingdom. Don't directly result in people being saved. Don't directly bring me to my knees in prayer.. and it's not easy.

I can only think that adding Calvinism to my experiences of childhood, being brought up in a strict Christian home (practising Calvinism even if not preached), being bullied as a child has all resulted in a one dimensional law abiding/giving christian who is driven to ensure he is bettered by no one (see later blog on bullying). And there lies my problem. And that's why I am seeing a psychotherapist (and a non christian one at that, tut tut). I want to change, to see the truth as Jesus meant it, not how we've defined it.