Mental wholeness = being free from the past.

In Scott Peck's excellent book "Road Less Travelled" he explains the various factors which make up mental wholeness and comes to the conclusion (and he wrote this as a non Christian) that it is only some benevolent grace which allows us to function at all. When we add up the imperfection of our parents and those who nurtured us it is a surprise that we can functional at anything like wholeness...

So God's grace is evident. Shielding us from the worst of our parent's imperfections, and as we make decisions towards wholeness (Christlike maturity) His grace becomes the more evident. However, becoming a Christian does not make us perfect in our character/personality, and certainly does not put right our self image the day we come to Christ.

This takes time, reflection, meditation, prayer, hearing the truth, applying the truth, knowing the truth in our insides. Not just some mental assent, agreeing wholeheartedly to a sermon.. but deep down knowledge of the truth. After all as Jesus said it is knowing the truth that sets us free. And how do we know the truth? By reflecting, meditation, praying, hearing, applying, knowing the truth.. I.e. it's a process. It takes time. It can be hard work, challenging, difficult. Really hard. Can be like peeling an onion.- you deal with one layer only to find another one - but all the time getting closer to the core of truth.

For me, I'm asking for help from someone who is a professionally trained psychologist, who will commit to seeing me every week for as long as it takes (he believed 2-4 years is average), who listens to me (the hour is about me, not about him). And he challenges my thinking, but more than that he encourages me to take time, be reflective, meditate, and actually look at the issues (layers of the onion).

How do you feel? How does that make you feel? How did you feel?

And as he asks these questions I need to stop. And actually listen to what my body is telling me. I think that we (me !!) in the west are so focused on rational, logic, intellect that we've forgotten that God gave us a body with emotions, a soul, a gut, a heart.. Laughter is medicine to the bones. A merry heart brings a joyful countenance. Reading the Psalms we can see how David wrestles with emotions, crying himself dry, insides twisting.. and in these sessions with my therapist he gets me to look at what is actually going on on the inside. And it's not pleasant. I become aware of a twisting feeling in my gut, strong emotions which I have no idea what they are doing there..

And whilst the spotlight shines on these dark areas, the gut wrenching (and believe me that is what it is) is difficult. It makes me realise that all is not well in planet Mark Andrew. Oh I know it mentally (being tired, irritable bowel, drivenness etc.), but then feeling it - it's almost as if it a realisation that all is really not well. I can't escape from it by moving on, by driving, pushing.. but I have to deal with it.

So that's what I'm doing. I want to be empathetic and supportive of those around me on a day by day basis. I don't want to be driven by the past, but by God's grace. I don't want to contend with guilt every day, instead to experience life and joy. I want to be free to be all whom God created me to be. And Lord, that's my prayer.

Guilt! It's there and I don't want it..

As I was talking with my wife at the weekend, and as per my last blog entry, I came to the dawning realisation that I had no way of coping once I went to school. Why? Because a) my dad had bullied me (anger, unpredictive, uncontrolled, abusive) and b) my mum had supported my dad - and lead by her own example encouraging us to ignore it, let it blow over, it was something that couldn't be tackled - i.e. lay down and submit to it.

The result? I was unable to stand up for myself. It was like someone had painted a bulls eye on every part of my body. You can have me, as I won't fight back. In fact, I'm expecting you to bully me. Go ahead.

And as I moved onto high school I turned this into a martyr complex - hey, if I'm going to get bullied, I may as well get bullied for my faith. So I did. And I was.

It wasn't until 13 when I had a very powerful encounter with God (filled with the Holy Spirit) that my life changed. That was in June 1982. By the time I went back to school I was a changed man - and I remember thinking that it was as if God had wiped clean the memory of every person who knew me. It was later that I realised that it was me that had changed, not them.

But, back to the subject..

So what did my parent's behaviour tell me about me as a child growing up? My wife's therapist told her that by the age of two she knew where she stood with her mother. What had my parent's behaviour told me about me by the time I was two?

Was I in a safe nurturing place where I was welcomed, loved unconditionally and could express myself without fear of reprisal? Could I wake up each day and live the day without the fear of the protector (dad) flying into a rage? Could I expect my mother to stand up for me? Would I tap into their own unresolved hurts and pains from the past? Confirming the scripture that says the sins will be passed on to the children, and the children's children?

Whatever, all I know is that when I went into the real world (school) at 4 I was ill prepared. Hated it. Was rejected. Was not a good time. I didn't fit. That's probably what hurts the most. It was if I didn't fit, was somehow a reject, outcast. It didn't help that I was living in Belgium and will have learnt the language primarily at school - but I don't think that explains it at all. When I moved to england at eight, went to high school at 11 - the whole time I was bullied.

I didn't cry, didn't talk to anyone about it (what could they do?).. The saving grace was that I did have a good friend at home till 13 (when he went off to do with girls what you do with girls), and at high school I had a good friend (who happened to be the smallest in the year - so wasn't much help when I was being bullied!). And I had no problems at church - leading youth groups, worship etc..

But within the school context I was unhappy.

Fast forward to today.

I find myself consumed with guilt, can be both overly driven/proactive and passive at the same time. Passive because I don't know my own mind on certain areas (growing up my mother was very sentimental, and we had to do things out of duty, because it was the right thing, don't you know I'll be upset - control really).. but guilt. Why guilt?

If like today (I'm on holiday from work) I get out of bed and come downstairs without talking to my wife first, I feel guilty. I'm now sat here working through deep things, and somewhere I feel guilty for it. If I do anything for me, I feel guilty. Why?

I wonder whether the drive is a drive to get away from something. To get away from my mother's control, her sentimentality, her emancipation of me, to get away from my dad's unpredictive anger/rage, to not to have to feel the pain of unrequited relationship with my parents, and to run away from the guilt I feel but which has lodged itself deep within my gut - refusing to let go.

I drive, drive, drive. Must do better. Must ensure others can't have a hold over me (my dad? my mum? those I come into contact with?).

But again, why the guilt? I think that the guilt is deeper seated than just the fact that I'm not with my wife or daughters at any particular time. I believe it ties back into my childhood, and what my parents told me about me. That's not easy to fix..

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Ta

Mark

Why am I so driven?

Ten years ago if you'd told me I was driven I would have smirked at you, thinking you deluded. Ten years on and I now realise that indeed I am driven. Whatever I do I do it to the full. Church, my business, a pond..

If I'm trimming a hedge, I don't just trim it, I cut it back. So much in fact that the last hedge of 30 year old conifers I "trimmed" haven't recovered in 6 months - they are still brown with no new growth along their edges - and now need to be chopped down. My point being that I go over the top.

Why am I so driven? Why does that drive translate into me doing, doing, doing and not being, being, being? Over the last year I've worked very hard at changing my life, re balancing, focusing on my real treasure (wife ,girls), taking time out - and yet I am still driven.

Now being driven can be a positive thing - as my therapist is quick to point out. Without drive I would not have started my own business, would not want to be a better father/husband, move onto new things. So yes, having drive is good.

But being driven means that the drive becomes all consuming. So if I do a business, I do it for 80-90 hours a week. If I do church, I fill every evening and weekend with church activities. If I decide to build a pond, I work out the best, biggest pond possible (which would rival professional koi show ponds). If I drive somewhere, I work out the best route, fastest route, cheapest route, and ensure that no one beats me on my journey - going everywhere way beyond the legal limit. (though I have to say that I've been working hard on the driving a car thing - and now travel much more sedately - primarily because of the stress I now realise it causes within me).

And all this driveness drives my wife crazy. I go to the nth degree on everything. Well, not everything, but a lot of things. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be thought out. I want no one to be able to tell me they could have done it better, stronger, neater, fitter etc.

If I am out with my wife and we want to eat or snooze somewhere with a view, I will drive for 30 minutes trying to find the perfect spot - rather than picking the less than perfect slots before. It's like I can't settle for anything other than great. I can't allow anyone else to beat me.

And therein lies the rub. I may have already mentioned this, but I drove something like 400 miles across Holland, Belgium, France and then up to the Midlands and could tell you that only three cars had overtaken me the whole journey (this was 18 months ago). I realise that this is both destructive and issue laden.

Why?

Because I don't want to be beaten. Or rather I can't allow anyone to get the better of me. It's not because I want to drive fast perse (though I do enjoy speed), it's not that I want the most money, the biggest house, the best car. No, it's because I don't want anyone to get the better of me.

Why?

Because I was bullied as a child. And as I moved through my teenager years into adulthood I worked hard at this. I decided at some point that I was never going to put myself into a position where anyone could bully me (get the better of me) again. And I've honed this skill to become the person I am today.

And today, I am successful in the world's eyes. I run my own successful and growing business, I am married (17 years) to a fantastic wife who I love dearly with two beautiful girls growing up to be well adjusted confident and pretty. We live in a nice house in a nice area - and are adding a large extension to it. I drive a top of the range Mercedes 4x4 which is fully loaded... I have it all. But it's not what I want. Well..

I want to be happy, content, at peace, adventurous, risk taking, gracious, loving, strong, soft... and those things are nothing to do with businesses, cars or houses. They are everything to do with who I am.

I want to lose the stress in my gut, I want to lose the negative aspects of being driven, I want to have clear eyes which aren't puffy/red. I want to be fit and be able to run without getting knackered. I want to have time for my treasure. I want to have time.

So, this driveness thing is a big deal. And I'm working on it..

Calvinism - I don't agree with it but it's shaped my life!

So, what's it like? Psychotherapy. Potentially hard enough for anyone. But for a christian who has been taught that we can find all things in Christ? That Jesus is the way the truth and the life? That it's Him who sets us free?

You know.. I think that Calvinism has a lot to answer for. I'm not here to offer a theologian's perspective on Calvinism. Rather, how it has coloured my life..

[rereading this after I posted it, I think I need to explain in more depth what I mean by my take on calvinism, and maybe what I really mean - which I really haven't done]

For a brief review of Calvinism look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calvinism. Specifically read the five points of Calvinism (TULIP). If you can't be bothered to read it (and I would understand) the five points are as follows (from wikipedia): -

The five points of Calvinism, which can be remembered by the English mnemonic TULIP are:

• Total depravity (or total inability): As a consequence of the fall of man, every person born into the world is enslaved to the service of sin. According to the view, people are not by nature inclined to love God with their whole heart, mind, or strength, but rather all are inclined to serve their own interests over those of their neighbor and to reject the rule of God. Thus, all people by their own faculties are morally unable to choose to follow God and be saved because they are unwilling to do so out of the necessity of their own natures. (The term "total" in this context refers to sin affecting every part of a person, not that every person is as evil as possible.)
• Unconditional election: God's choice from eternity of those whom he will bring to himself is not based on foreseen virtue, merit, or faith in those people. Rather, it is unconditionally grounded in God's mercy.
• Limited atonement (or particular redemption or definite atonement): The death of Christ actually takes away the penalty of sins of those on whom God has chosen to have mercy. It is "limited" to taking away the sins of the elect, not of all humanity, and it is "definite" and "particular" because atonement is certain for those particular persons.
• Irresistible grace (or efficacious grace): The saving grace of God is effectually applied to those whom he has determined to save (the elect) and, in God's timing, overcomes their resistance to obeying the call of the gospel, bringing them to a saving faith in Christ.
• Perseverance of the saints (or preservation of the saints): Any person who has once been truly saved from damnation must necessarily persevere and cannot later be condemned. The word saints is used in the Biblical sense to refer to all who are set apart by God, not in the technical sense of one who is exceptionally holy, canonized, or in heaven (see Saint).

Now - what's my beef? Apart from realising that I'm not a Calvinist, I realise that much of the teaching I have received as a child growing up (charismatic, pentecostal, "free" churches), and much of my thinking has been developed along Calvinistic principals. What do I mean? (and feel free to correct me on where you think my thinking is wrong).

There's only one way of doing it. God has a single plan, a single destiny, a level of holiness which is derived not from OT law (as that would be legalistic!), but instead holiness derived from NT law. And that's how I've been living my life.

My wife is the one who points this out. Ask me about how church should run, whether someone should go out with a non christian, how someone is saved, how we can be filled with the Holy Spirit, and I can preach for hours. Ask me about hobbies, collecting things, walking, what extension we should have, what colour something should be, what plants I like, where I want to go on holiday - and I'm lost. Why? Because it's not in the Bible. So I don't have an opinion, I'm a blank. And that's what annoys my wife so much.

I can lay the law down (what I would call NT law), telling my girls how to behave, how often we should go to church, giving money, serving in church, serving others. My wife likens it to being like the Amish. We watched a programme on the Amish people. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amish). The TV programme we watched showed them to a people who worshipped God, but were completely cut off from the world. Didn't mix with non Amish people (Amish are Anabaptists), don't take electric, don't take anything from the government, and ride horses everywhere. The family the TV followed had around 15 children. The children were well behaved, polite and well rounded - bar the fact that they had no idea or concept of what was going on in the rest of the world. Had someone have asked them what they thought of salmon fishing, running, the internet, mobile phones - they would have been uncomfortable. Because their expression of their faith doesn't cover it, and gives no real basis to answer those questions (I'm add libbing here).

That's a little of what I am like. And it needs to change. I need to be able to enjoy life even if it's not within what I would define as NT law. Taking time out to pursue things which don't directly extend God's kingdom. Don't directly result in people being saved. Don't directly bring me to my knees in prayer.. and it's not easy.

I can only think that adding Calvinism to my experiences of childhood, being brought up in a strict Christian home (practising Calvinism even if not preached), being bullied as a child has all resulted in a one dimensional law abiding/giving christian who is driven to ensure he is bettered by no one (see later blog on bullying). And there lies my problem. And that's why I am seeing a psychotherapist (and a non christian one at that, tut tut). I want to change, to see the truth as Jesus meant it, not how we've defined it.