Therapy! 4 sessions in..

Well. I finally did it. I booked an appointment to go and see a psychologist. You only need to read me previous blogs to see why.

And I have to say, the first session was probably amongst the most difficult 50 minutes I've ever spent anywhere. I had zero control, zip. He started by doing an assessment (asking me all my personal details and writing them down on a form) - without giving me anything in return. I.e. no positive vibes, body language, empathy. I hated it. He asked me how I was feeling, and I told him. I was struggling. Why he asked. Because I'm not in control...

When I spoke with my family afterwards, explaining that I felt as if I'd been raped, they all stated that that couldn't be good for me. I agreed! But as I thought about why I had struggled, and talked to one or two others about it it became clear that he had challenged me to my core, and the fact that I had a huge issue with the way he had done it was in fact a pointer to where my challenges lay.

I went along the next week, and once I'd explained how I'd found the first week - he did give me something. He praised my courage.. and it was a lot easier. I've now had 4 sessions, and my wife has already seen a change. Namely because the therapist keeps focusing on my feelings about things, I was getting more grumpy at home - and probably being more real as a result.

2 weeks ago I realised that I was "too busy too feel". I.e. with family and work I couldn't take the time out to really admit to myself the constant nagging stress and sheer tiredness that I feel. Because if I did I would have to do something about it, but I can't. So I don't have time to feel.

My wife and I have just had a week without the girls (grandparents) and I have taken the whole week off, and realised just how knackered I am. I mean whacked out knackered. Tired doesn't really begin to explain it. Two and a half years ago at the end of the financial year I said to Caroline that I had run out of energy and needed 6 months off. That wasn't an option. So I've kept going, whilst giving out more and more to my family (e.g. my sister came to stay with us after her life had been wrecked in the Tsunami for 6 months).. when I told my therapist about this he asked "you mean you've been working on empty for over 2 years?". "Yeah" I said lamely.

So - I need to take some time out, get my life back into balance (see previous blogs!), and recuperate.

But you know what - I am excited. I'm excited that I'm moving on. Changing. Developing. Not in a rut. There's hope in my soul, and faith that God isn't finished with me yet.

Thank you Lord!