Fairly fundamental personality issues..

Email to another friend, 21st June

Thanks for the email. Sounds like you really did have a great week! really sorry to hear of the 9 year old [dying suddenly]. It really smacks between the bits that hurt when something like that happens. A little while ago one of my daughter's school friends aged 11 died in her sleep. It makes you think about the mortality of life..

How can life be so hard one minute, fantastic the next, then really hard again? The new Sales Director has accepted and starts a week on Monday. I'm very excited about that. We also have a new sales guy starting which will help us push towards the numbers this year.

On a downside, one of my most senior managers is out for 4 weeks with a broken collar bone (received on a company event!). Some key projects are losing me big money. And my other longest term chap (also on senior mgmt team) who was my first employee lost his cool in a most serious way yesterday in the office - and as a result may leave (I meet him for lunch today). So, I have quite a few things to contend with at the moment.

At home, balance.. I'm here, and trying to give, but it's not that easy. My wife is reacting/working through stuff at the moment which is a mixture of her own background and a mixture of the strong negative aspects of living with me. That's hard. I'm taking it to God in prayer, and feeling challenged at many levels. James 1 says "count it all joy when you go through various trials and testing of your faith.. knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience (or endurance/perseverance). And let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be complete lacking nothing". So - that's where I am. Being tested at my core. Knowing that the results come through endurance/perseverance whilst holding onto what you believe (that God will bring me through). Most of the time I'm not sure what to do for the best. If only there was a "do this" and we'd all be happy right? I have come to the conclusion that I need to see a psychologist/therapist to work through some fairly fundamental issues in my personality which have been there for some time (mixture of nature/nurture?).

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Heh. There you go. I've known I need to see a psychologist for some time - on two counts;

1. Inability to truly hear what my wife is saying
2. A complete inability to empathise in day to day with those who matter to me

That, along with the fact that somehow tightly bound up within my personality is a desire to be the most important (see notes on James 4/5 and selfish ambition or self seeking). I see this trait in my parents and a number of my siblings. And it's not pretty. It takes over, dominates, demands attention, is somehow smothering. Now I have fought against this in terms of my family, and I have fought hard against it in my own life. But it would appear that even though I have trimmed back the fruit in many areas of my life - such that the excesses have been removed - deep within my core it's still there. And this is what affects those closest to me. My wife. My children. Those I work with.

So, for these three reasons, I need help. I need to know truth in the inward parts. And that truth will set me free. And then I can be a better person to live and work with. Lord.. that's my prayer.

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