Yesterday my wife and I had a long discussion, or rather she spoke intimately with me about my lack of support and empathy for her over many years. She has struggled at home looking after children and done all to support me as I have gone about trying to follow what I believed was my destiny. This has resulted in great personal sacrifice on her behalf.
She has had to endure endless coffee mornings, trips to swimming pools, trips to preschool dancing, painting, day after day without real adult contact/support, mother and toddler groups etc. etc. all of which have sucked her dry of her life. Meanwhile hubby was either very involved in the local church, or growing a business often not there till 8pm, and typically working weekends. She courageously supported, challenged, mentored, coached, loved - in short did all she knew for the ones she loved. But the personal cost was great, resulting in exhaustion, anxiety and stress.
The girls are now getting older, and I work less hours. And my wife is starting to recover. Thus the discussion yesterday. As she talked, my brain couldn't compute. It was if a fog descended, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't see with clarity to understand what she wanted, required, was hurt by. Oh I heard the words, and could even repeat them, but the conclusion we came to was two fold.
1. I'm rubbish at business as usual empathy. Put me in a crisis and I'm a world beater. I rise to the challenge, and do things others can only dream of. But day in day out stuff? I'm rubbish. I forget the times of my daughter's dancing lessons (I'm the taxi around here) and need to take a list if my wife wants me to get more than one or two things from the shops. Empathy, understanding what others are going through, where others are coming from is not one of my strong points. I ride in like the cavalry postulating with "thou shalts", "thou musts", and "thou wilts". I can trot out all the right reasons why someone should do something which sounds remarkably like the pharisees, rather than the man of grace I profess to be. So I find myself living under law rather than grace. And as such relate to others from the same spirit. As a result, I've not been the most supportive of husbands. I've not helped my wife when she needed it most.
2. How much of my adult life has been shaped by that of my parents. Especially the bits I detest about my parents. My parents are God fearing Christians. They preach at churches, they see people healed, delivered, filled with the Spirit. In fact one of the key reasons I am following God is because at the age of sixteen I could not turn my back on God. As the Psalmist says, the fool says in his heart there is no God. And I would have been a greater fool due to the number of miracles and healings I'd seen with my own eyes. But, due to hurts in their past lives, the godliness was tinged with broken humanity. In many respects what I would call "New Testament Law" applied - rather than NT grace. Church was obligatory. Dressing up for church too. I never listened to non Christian music growing up, didn't start drinking any form of alcohol till 24, and to this date can count on two hands the number of times I'd been to a pub for a drink. My hearts desire was to serve the Lord in full time ministry. How much of that was laid down by my parents, and how much through the (many) prophetic words about me serving the Lord? The point being that I find myself carrying on in some of the same spirit as my parents, making key decisions during our married life such that it has had a major impact on my wife. Church. Work/business. Where we have lived. What we did in our spare time. You know, the big issues.
And so now I feel confused.
I have sought to follow the Lord all my life. Literally. I love the Lord, and I know He loves me. I believe that He guides our steps, directs our path. That He is faithful to complete that which He started in me. That He is changing me from one degree of glory into another. That I can hear Him.
And yet I have hurt my wife in my attempt to follow the Lord, such that a key question I have to answer is this - was I following the Lord, or my own ego? Was that ego shaped by me (of course) or by my parents (that too). So how much of what I have done (and still am) was in fact ego masked by the language of godliness?
And that's a really tough question.
I feel like the Israelites who weren't allowed to mix the fibres in their clothes (Deut 22: 11). I've mixed the wool and the cotton. God's will with my will. It's as if I have put my hand to the Lord's purposes (cf Uzzah and the ark). And the end result has been a) pain for my wife, b) pain for my children, and c) what pain to me? Where have I missed a quality of life and joy that I can only dream of?
So, some key questions I need to work through.
1. How much of what I am doing now is driven by me rather than God - where that me is either my selfishness, ego, pride, or as a direct result of my upbringing. How do I ensure that what I do is pure?
2. How can I better support my wife? I wonder whether the answer to this one is both a) spending more time with God, and b) seeking professional help (psychologist) to enable me to see the wood for the trees. ((and rereading this I should in fact at a) to lay down my life for my wife, deliberately, consciously, act of will support, care, listen.. love her.
My prayer: God forgive me a sinner. Give me grace, help me, wisdom. I want to support my wife but recognise that the thing that stops me is me. I love myself more. Forgive me. Help me. Change my heart, help me to chose to love her, care for her, support her, empathise with her, lead her.. love her.
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