I don't want to die..

I went out with my wife yesterday. And again we had one of those conversations which challenges me to my core. The summary was that almost all that I do is for me, not for others. In fact, her summary was that I strive for what I'm called to whilst running round trying to keep everyone else connected to me happy. And I had to agree.

It's as if I can't let go of something deep inside me, but knowing that if I do I will enjoy a greater release of God's life. Last week in my prayer time, as I started to work through my prayer list, it struck me that much of what I was praying for depended on me. I.e. praying for my wife's contentment - in a large part that's dependant on me. My girls in terms of their spiritual walk, their confidence, their friends etc - again a large part of that is dependant on what I do and who I am with them. So rather than praying for them, I ended up praying that I would lay down my life for my wife, be the dad my girls so deserve..

But what does that mean? In short, dying to self. Dying to what I see as important (my ego, fleshly desires), and giving for others. My next question was, so how does that look? If the Holy Spirit were to whisper in my ear "sell the car, the house and go to China" - I'm sure I would do it. If He were to say "sell the company and run the local homeless hostel" - again I'd do it. But, however hard those things would be to do in practice, it is nothing compared to dying to self. I could do all of those things with the same Mark that currently is married with 2 girls and runs a business.

So, the Lord is calling me deeper. A death to self which is not dependant on what I do, but on who I am. Giving up some core part of me which I pride in, which I take my identity from, which I don't want to let go. In fact it is so deep that I can't place my finger on it, lay it bare and say, there it is, that's what needs to die. I guess, in short, it's me.

Ouch.

So, as per my last post, the Lord turned and looked and I fell apart. Peter was still holding onto himself. That's why he denied Jesus. I'm still holding onto my self. That's why I am still striving, still not committed to others, great in emergencies - not so good in business as usual.

And I am comforted, because I recognise that something needs to change. I need to radically and wholeheartedly commit to Him. The problem I have is that I can't see how, why or what at the moment. And for that I need more of His grace, His wisdom, as well as more of others around me.

That's what I lack on both counts. More time with the Lord, and more time with others who can help me. Spending more time with the Lord is something I'm already engaged in. But I have very few real friends (and that's over egging it). And I've also wondered about seeing a psychologist to work through some of the deep motivations (more on this another time) within my life birthed through childhood.

Proverbs 2:
1 My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,

2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,

3 and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

6 For the LORD gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.


I need wisdom. I need to know how to proceed, how to live, how to love, how to care, how to die to self, how to live to Christ.

Proverbs 1 shows that wisdom cries out in the market places, the street corners, the busy thoroughfares. Wisdom is there for anyone who wants to hear it, and apply it.

So, the question for me is, DO I want wisdom above all else? Am I willing to die to self?

I know the intellectual answer to that.. but the Lord weighs the heart. Lord, help me.