And the Lord turned and looked. And I fell apart.

Over the last few weeks as I have been working my way through the second half of Luke I have been deeply struck at the sense of purpose and destiny with which Jesus lived, walked and talked. He had everything. He could have run the largest business this world has ever seen, had the best and most beautiful women, had the most palatial of palaces. He could have been admired and respected by the world's great. In short, because of who He was, His perfection, insight, wisdom, all round perfect package, there is nothing He could not have done. In fact Satan recognised this when he offered the world (all authority and glory over all kingdoms of the world) to Jesus..

So what did Jesus do with all this ability and promise? He walked steadfastly towards His destiny. He didn't waver by one inch. He didn't oblige the religious leaders, build His own earthly kingdom, build a nest egg, have a family, have sex, take time out to enjoy the finer things of life, enjoy the attention from the crowds. In short He did none of the things that I would have done, and in fact strive for.

My ego is strong. Stronger than I knew. It has driven me to find success as I understand it. In the pursuit of that success it has wrought pain on the very ones I love, robbing them of the life and joy that was theirs. My wife is recovering from a form of abuse. I have been so driven for what I thought was godly - and my wife has been so supportive of my desire to 'follow the Lord' or 'fulfill His purposes/destiny' that she has suffered. It exhausted her, robbed her of confidence and good health.

Peter's ego was strong too. Luke 22:33 tells us that Peter was adamant in his desire to follow the Lord - even to death. Yet just a couple of hours later he denies Jesus three times. Why? The answer to that is ripping me apart, undoing me.

Luke 22:54 says "Peter followed at a distance" after they had arrested Jesus and took Him to the high priest's house. Why did he follow at a distance? Was this Peter's ego kicking in? His defences, his fear, his desire to save himself?

And I am comforted by this passage. Here was the man on whom Jesus related to the rock on whom His church would be built. He's the man who has given up three years of his life to follow Jesus, and sworn to lay down his life. And here he is. Denying Jesus. Not once, not twice, but three times.

And the verse that hits the heart? v 60 ".. while he was still speaking the rooster crowed. v61 and the Lord turned and looked at Peter." Looked. Jesus looked at Peter. Looked him in the eyes... and Peter was undone.

I wonder if Peter had thought throughout the three years that he was ok. He was following Jesus. Was filled with a manly ego, pride and desire to follow the Lord. He was somehow better than others because of his desire. And the Lord knew his heart. Satan had asked to to sift Peter as wheat (22:31). Clearly Satan had seen the same thing and thought he could render him useless. Take him out. Remove him from the battle.

And again I am comforted.

My parents were God fearing Christians who have regularly seen the kingdom demonstrated with power. Many rebel as they grow up, and I had plenty of opportunity to do that. But I didn't? Why? Because I'd seen the Lord, knew Him, knew I would be an utter fool not to follow Him. Because He had called me, set me apart..

And so all my life I have sought to follow the Lord. The most frustrating years of my life were 20-33. That was when I did all I knew to to get into full time ministry/leadership within the context of church. But it didn't work out. I'm now 38, and have built a business with some 40 staff over the last 4 years. And I still yearn to follow the Lord. Add into the mix a wife since 22, and two girls (14 & 10/11).

Over the last weeks/months I have come to see that much of what I have sought to do in my pursuit of God, has really been Mark and his ego. Yes, there has been a desire to follow the Lord. I have cried, fasted, prayed, battled for the Lord. But, in it all, there was me. Mixed wool. God and mammon. His will and mine.

And the Lord turned and looked. And I fell apart.


My prayer: God of heaven, Son of man, forgive me...