I don't want to die..

I went out with my wife yesterday. And again we had one of those conversations which challenges me to my core. The summary was that almost all that I do is for me, not for others. In fact, her summary was that I strive for what I'm called to whilst running round trying to keep everyone else connected to me happy. And I had to agree.

It's as if I can't let go of something deep inside me, but knowing that if I do I will enjoy a greater release of God's life. Last week in my prayer time, as I started to work through my prayer list, it struck me that much of what I was praying for depended on me. I.e. praying for my wife's contentment - in a large part that's dependant on me. My girls in terms of their spiritual walk, their confidence, their friends etc - again a large part of that is dependant on what I do and who I am with them. So rather than praying for them, I ended up praying that I would lay down my life for my wife, be the dad my girls so deserve..

But what does that mean? In short, dying to self. Dying to what I see as important (my ego, fleshly desires), and giving for others. My next question was, so how does that look? If the Holy Spirit were to whisper in my ear "sell the car, the house and go to China" - I'm sure I would do it. If He were to say "sell the company and run the local homeless hostel" - again I'd do it. But, however hard those things would be to do in practice, it is nothing compared to dying to self. I could do all of those things with the same Mark that currently is married with 2 girls and runs a business.

So, the Lord is calling me deeper. A death to self which is not dependant on what I do, but on who I am. Giving up some core part of me which I pride in, which I take my identity from, which I don't want to let go. In fact it is so deep that I can't place my finger on it, lay it bare and say, there it is, that's what needs to die. I guess, in short, it's me.

Ouch.

So, as per my last post, the Lord turned and looked and I fell apart. Peter was still holding onto himself. That's why he denied Jesus. I'm still holding onto my self. That's why I am still striving, still not committed to others, great in emergencies - not so good in business as usual.

And I am comforted, because I recognise that something needs to change. I need to radically and wholeheartedly commit to Him. The problem I have is that I can't see how, why or what at the moment. And for that I need more of His grace, His wisdom, as well as more of others around me.

That's what I lack on both counts. More time with the Lord, and more time with others who can help me. Spending more time with the Lord is something I'm already engaged in. But I have very few real friends (and that's over egging it). And I've also wondered about seeing a psychologist to work through some of the deep motivations (more on this another time) within my life birthed through childhood.

Proverbs 2:
1 My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,

2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,

3 and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

6 For the LORD gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.


I need wisdom. I need to know how to proceed, how to live, how to love, how to care, how to die to self, how to live to Christ.

Proverbs 1 shows that wisdom cries out in the market places, the street corners, the busy thoroughfares. Wisdom is there for anyone who wants to hear it, and apply it.

So, the question for me is, DO I want wisdom above all else? Am I willing to die to self?

I know the intellectual answer to that.. but the Lord weighs the heart. Lord, help me.

And the Lord turned and looked. And I fell apart.

Over the last few weeks as I have been working my way through the second half of Luke I have been deeply struck at the sense of purpose and destiny with which Jesus lived, walked and talked. He had everything. He could have run the largest business this world has ever seen, had the best and most beautiful women, had the most palatial of palaces. He could have been admired and respected by the world's great. In short, because of who He was, His perfection, insight, wisdom, all round perfect package, there is nothing He could not have done. In fact Satan recognised this when he offered the world (all authority and glory over all kingdoms of the world) to Jesus..

So what did Jesus do with all this ability and promise? He walked steadfastly towards His destiny. He didn't waver by one inch. He didn't oblige the religious leaders, build His own earthly kingdom, build a nest egg, have a family, have sex, take time out to enjoy the finer things of life, enjoy the attention from the crowds. In short He did none of the things that I would have done, and in fact strive for.

My ego is strong. Stronger than I knew. It has driven me to find success as I understand it. In the pursuit of that success it has wrought pain on the very ones I love, robbing them of the life and joy that was theirs. My wife is recovering from a form of abuse. I have been so driven for what I thought was godly - and my wife has been so supportive of my desire to 'follow the Lord' or 'fulfill His purposes/destiny' that she has suffered. It exhausted her, robbed her of confidence and good health.

Peter's ego was strong too. Luke 22:33 tells us that Peter was adamant in his desire to follow the Lord - even to death. Yet just a couple of hours later he denies Jesus three times. Why? The answer to that is ripping me apart, undoing me.

Luke 22:54 says "Peter followed at a distance" after they had arrested Jesus and took Him to the high priest's house. Why did he follow at a distance? Was this Peter's ego kicking in? His defences, his fear, his desire to save himself?

And I am comforted by this passage. Here was the man on whom Jesus related to the rock on whom His church would be built. He's the man who has given up three years of his life to follow Jesus, and sworn to lay down his life. And here he is. Denying Jesus. Not once, not twice, but three times.

And the verse that hits the heart? v 60 ".. while he was still speaking the rooster crowed. v61 and the Lord turned and looked at Peter." Looked. Jesus looked at Peter. Looked him in the eyes... and Peter was undone.

I wonder if Peter had thought throughout the three years that he was ok. He was following Jesus. Was filled with a manly ego, pride and desire to follow the Lord. He was somehow better than others because of his desire. And the Lord knew his heart. Satan had asked to to sift Peter as wheat (22:31). Clearly Satan had seen the same thing and thought he could render him useless. Take him out. Remove him from the battle.

And again I am comforted.

My parents were God fearing Christians who have regularly seen the kingdom demonstrated with power. Many rebel as they grow up, and I had plenty of opportunity to do that. But I didn't? Why? Because I'd seen the Lord, knew Him, knew I would be an utter fool not to follow Him. Because He had called me, set me apart..

And so all my life I have sought to follow the Lord. The most frustrating years of my life were 20-33. That was when I did all I knew to to get into full time ministry/leadership within the context of church. But it didn't work out. I'm now 38, and have built a business with some 40 staff over the last 4 years. And I still yearn to follow the Lord. Add into the mix a wife since 22, and two girls (14 & 10/11).

Over the last weeks/months I have come to see that much of what I have sought to do in my pursuit of God, has really been Mark and his ego. Yes, there has been a desire to follow the Lord. I have cried, fasted, prayed, battled for the Lord. But, in it all, there was me. Mixed wool. God and mammon. His will and mine.

And the Lord turned and looked. And I fell apart.


My prayer: God of heaven, Son of man, forgive me...

Who am I living for? Or - who am I afraid of?

I am struck by Jesus' absolutely disregard for the then current religious order. It culminates in Luke 20 where the chief priests, scribes and elders (the who's who of the Jewish religion - in Jerusalem) confront Him demanding to know by what authority He was doing and saying the things He did.

And Jesus' reply? "Neither will I tell you by what authority I do these things". He then goes onto to deliver a parable of the vine dresser - and that they, and all that they represented throughout the ages, had abused God sent prophets and would kill the vine dresser's son. Many parables' meanings are hidden, but this one strikes a raw nerve, for the religious crowd responds "Certainly not!".

Jesus was confronting them head on, not bowing to their position/authority. These were the guys who represented God to the jewish and foreign nations. They had the calling, the 'anointing', God was on their side, they had upheld God's laws since Moses, and the priesthood since the same time.

And Jesus didn't care one jot. He went after them in the same way a piece of paper would fare in a blazing fire. It's the absolute truth with which Jesus speaks, the unbowing upholding of God's righteousness.. There is not one degree of bend. Not one inch is given.

.."whoever falls on that stone (the one they rejected) will be broken; but on whomever it falls, it will grind him to powder". Ouch. This is unflinching judgement. He was very clearly telling them that they were against God's purposes, had rejected those whom God had sent, including His very own son. And what's more, the very son they had rejected would fall on them (judgement) and grind them to dust.

Jesus was affronting them in the most public way, bringing into the light that which had been hidden, measuring with his rod, holding them in the light of God's absolute perfection, holiness and character. And they didn't like it.

Ow. Ouch. What will the judgement be like? Surely it will be like this? They had no where to hide. It was very public. And it was absolutely pure. And there was no where to run.

Previously in the parable of the minas (Luke 19:11-27) those who had hated the ruler/nobleman and rebelled against him ended up being slayed before him. A clear picture of those who have rebelled against God being judged to an eternity without Him.

I'm sure of all us have struggled with this at times. But as I meditated on this I thought about my company. In my experience the single biggest challenge in running and growing a business is finding and keeping the right people. We advertise in papers, job sites, use recruitment agencies, offer bonuses to staff who bring people, advertise on our website etc. We then sift the responses looking for the right person. I now understand "many are called but few are chosen". We call, and call, and call. But very few are chosen. Very few have the characteristics, personality, flexibility we are looking for.

But then once these people are working for our business, if I were to find out that they "hated" me and my management team (I'm the CEO), and sent a delegation to me stating "we don't want you to rule over us" whilst I was away on business.. what would I do?

I'd have only one choice, for as Jesus stated "a kingdom divided against itself can't stand". I'd have to remove these people from my company in order to protect my company. It may not be pleasant, not everyone would understand but I'd be astute enough to understand that not removing these people would result in no company. It would destruct from the inside.

And from this example of my business life I now understand two key things: 1. Many are called, few are chosen, and 2. judgement is essential to ensure a well ruled and safe kingdom.


So, what's this got to do with Luke 20? The thing that really hit me was Jesus knew what He was about. Knew His calling, His destiny, His father, His purpose. He knew it was to seek and save that which was lost. That He had come for those in need of a doctor. The broken hearted, the lame, the blind.. He didn't come for those who had no need of a doctor, the self righteous. In fact it was these very people who stood in the way of the masses believing in Jesus? They upheld a form of godliness but denying it's power. Better that a millstone is hung around the neck of anyone who causes one of these little ones to fall..

And so to me. Am I as driven by heavenly purpose? Or do I cow tail to others in fear of man? Do I run my life looking for men's praise, men's acceptance. Concentrating more on the external appearance, taking the best seats, being accepted in the marketplace and look great in my appearance.. (cf 20:45-47). Or am I willing to risk rejection for a higher purpose? Willing to risk loss of respect for the sake of the truth? Be poor in order to save some. Champion the unfashionable causes. Willing to lose credibility by laying down my life for my wife? Not be as successful in business because I spend more time with my family. Cause upset instead of peace by being true to God.

These are difficult questions.

My prayer: Heavenly Father, as I meditate on your word, pray, listen to my wife and family - I am so challenged. It's as if everything that man is supposed to stand for (ego?) runs counter to your purposes. My ego says that what is expected of me is visible apparent success. Success in business, in sex, in relationships, in friendships, in family. And this success comes primarily from money. And earning money requires long hard hours. And if you can enjoy your work, it's perfection. You make money doing what you enjoy. QED.

But to do that typically requires affinity with the world. And it's values. Working with people's whose heart is different from yours. Where unrestrained ego rules the day. And that's why I am doing what I am doing, to be salt and light, a witness - whilst looking to release finance, time and energy into Your kingdom. But that's easier said than done..

You were unflinching because you knew Your success wasn't driven by man, but by obedience to Your Father in Heaven. This is my example and prayer. That I would be willing to look a fool to this world, but receive the "well done" from Him who matters. That success is not measured in approving looks down here, but up there. Not by the size of my earthly bank account, the flashiness of my car, the cut of my suit, the size of my company.. That I will be as salt and light, to make decisions, take a stand, say things which will cause personal rejection. To demonstrate your righteousness, but at the same time your grace and love for those that recognise their need.

Help me to be unflinching, setting my face as flint to follow You, and be obedient to You, taking time to hear You. Because it's this that will fill me with joy. Not as the world gives.. But joy with my wife. Joy with my girls. Joy with me and You. Joy with my friends. And yes, joy in what you call me to do with my short life here on earth.

Success comes from You. You put in place kings. You remove kings. Kingdoms. Nations. Business empires. God help me to trust you. If you want me to be successful in the world's eyes (I'm all up for it!), but if you want me to be successful in Your eyes, whilst appearing a fool in the world's - then I'm going to need You even more. Either way, I need You.

God, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And you love me. And love me too much to leave me the way I am..

Dear diary..

Well, some good news! My youngest has got a place at the local high school starting in September. Currently she and her older sister get up at 6.20am to catch a bus at 7.35am to get to school. We are praying that our older daughter will get into the local high school from September too - as that will be much easier for us as a family. For starters, it is me that gets them up, so I'm up at 6.20am too :( And I can't handle lack of sleep.

This Week's Prayer List

1. God to be evident by His presence in all that we do - as a family, and as individuals within our daily lives. For God to guide, lead, direct, giving wisdom in grace and mercy.
2. My wife to know more of God this week, being released into that which she was created for.
   
3. A Sales Director for work, (the right one), account managers/sales guys - asap
4. License revenue before end of March (our year end)
5. Wisdom regarding house (extension/building work), car, money
6. Those connected to us ref mission/church
7. Good deep friendships for my wife and I

Random thoughts - my neighbour

I arrived back after dropping one of my daughters off yesterday to see an ambulance over the road. I wandered over and found out that one of my neighbours had slipped a disc and was in absolute agony. As I stood there asking his wife whether they were ok, I thought, do I offer to pray for him? Then I thought, how many times have you prayed for healing and nothing has happened. Not only will you ruin a potential relationship, but you'll put them off God, and they'll think you are a crackpot.

Was I right not to offer to pray for him there and then because long term relationship is more important reference sharing the gospel with them, than risk ... not sure what.. relationship, credibility? Remember, he who wins souls is wise..

Random thoughts - I'm tired

I need a min of 8 hours a night. That, along with having a teenager who now wants to go to bed after I do, and needing to get up at 6.20am to get them up/to school (I drop them off at a bus stop around a mile away at 7.35am). Then if my wife is feeling amorous.. it can be that I only get seven hours, and I'm absolutely dog tired..

Lord - please help both girls to get into the local school! It will be so much easier for us all.

And when I am tired, I find it very much more difficult to spend active time with God! Preferring to write my online journal than actively in faith pray..

What is faith anyway?

Reading Luke 18: 35-42 I'm struck by the faith of the blind man. There he is, sitting at the road, Probably begging as he had no other means of income. He'd probably been like this for some time, maybe he was born that way, maybe he was dropped as a child, maybe fallen into a fire - the Bible doesn't say. What we do know is that he was blind as a bat.

He hears commotion, a passing crowd, and asks people who walk by him what's going on. "Jesus of Nazareth is coming past! He's coming through our village!!".

His response showed that he had done more than just heard about Jesus. It was a response of utter faith. "Son of David" he cries out, "Have mercy on me!". It takes faith for anyone to cry out to God. Even today, it takes faith. But this blind man was doing more than just calling on God's name. He was calling on who he was.

Son of David. The promised messiah. Emmanuel. God with us. The chosen one. The redeemer.

Though blind he had read about and heard the gospel message from the Old Testament - and he cried out in faith. Not to a passing miracle worker, not to a faith healer, but to the living God. Son of David. The King of Kings. The Lord of Lords. Such faith.

And we know the rest of the story. Jesus asks him what he wants (funny how he does that when to our eyes it's obvious - but yet another test of faith). "Lord, to receive my sight". And then the wondrous words, "Receive your sight, your faith has made you well".

Your faith. Faith to recognise Jesus for who He was. Faith to cry out to Him for mercy.

Cf Luke 18:8 - "Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?" - this after the parable of the persistent widow (I will appease he lest she weary me by her persistence).

Cf Luke 18:18-23 reference the rich young ruler.. "One thing you lack, sell what you have, give to the poor, then follow me".. the rich young ruler became sorrowful - why? Because he had great riches. He'd built them up, worked hard, took pride, gave him security, the toast of his colleagues. If the rich young ruler didn't follow Jesus it was because he lacked the faith. He believed that what he had now was better than what Jesus could give.

Faith. Faith to come into His presence with boldness. Faith to believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Faith to believe He will make a way where there is no way. Faith to believe that He has lead us thus far, and He will not abandon us now. Faith that He remains faithful. Faith that He knows us, loves us, gives us grace, shows mercy.

Without faith it is impossible to please God - no matter what I do.

Faith perseveres. Faith endures. Faith never gives up. Faith is unshakable. Is that right? Only because the one in whom we put our faith has those characteristics.

If you have faith the size of a mustard seed.. you can say to this mountain jump into the sea - and it will! Any idea how big a mustard seed is? The size of a coconut? An Avocado stone? A conker? A acorn? Sunflower seed? Grain of wheat?

I've been told that the tallest trees in the world (Redwoods, semper simpervirens) have
the smallest seeds of any tree.. apart from the mustard tree. Apparently a mustard seed is typically about one millimeter wide (size of a grain of sugar, or poppy seed). More info here.

So faith, no matter how small grows, over time, into something very large. Compare with Luke 13:18-19 where the kingdom of heaven is likened to a mustard seed which grows into a large tree where birds nest in it's branches. It takes time to grow into a tree. It weathers all kinds of storms, droughts, wind, flooding. Day and night, summer and winter. But grow it does.

So, what is faith? Faith is holding on. Faith is believing when circumstances say the opposite. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen. As a Christian, faith is believing God no matter what storm I find myself in, no matter how much I doubt the path I'm walking. He is faithful, and my faith is in His faithfulness.

Lord, help me to recognise and respond in faith to you. Not as a golden ticket, not as some circus act. And not just calling out a meaningless name. But as my saviour who loves me dearly, is for me and not against me, who shows me mercy all the days of my life.

If I love my wife, why have I hurt her?

Yesterday my wife and I had a long discussion, or rather she spoke intimately with me about my lack of support and empathy for her over many years. She has struggled at home looking after children and done all to support me as I have gone about trying to follow what I believed was my destiny. This has resulted in great personal sacrifice on her behalf.

She has had to endure endless coffee mornings, trips to swimming pools, trips to preschool dancing, painting, day after day without real adult contact/support, mother and toddler groups etc. etc. all of which have sucked her dry of her life. Meanwhile hubby was either very involved in the local church, or growing a business often not there till 8pm, and typically working weekends. She courageously supported, challenged, mentored, coached, loved - in short did all she knew for the ones she loved. But the personal cost was great, resulting in exhaustion, anxiety and stress.

The girls are now getting older, and I work less hours. And my wife is starting to recover. Thus the discussion yesterday. As she talked, my brain couldn't compute. It was if a fog descended, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't see with clarity to understand what she wanted, required, was hurt by. Oh I heard the words, and could even repeat them, but the conclusion we came to was two fold.

1. I'm rubbish at business as usual empathy. Put me in a crisis and I'm a world beater. I rise to the challenge, and do things others can only dream of. But day in day out stuff? I'm rubbish. I forget the times of my daughter's dancing lessons (I'm the taxi around here) and need to take a list if my wife wants me to get more than one or two things from the shops. Empathy, understanding what others are going through, where others are coming from is not one of my strong points. I ride in like the cavalry postulating with "thou shalts", "thou musts", and "thou wilts". I can trot out all the right reasons why someone should do something which sounds remarkably like the pharisees, rather than the man of grace I profess to be. So I find myself living under law rather than grace. And as such relate to others from the same spirit. As a result, I've not been the most supportive of husbands. I've not helped my wife when she needed it most.

2. How much of my adult life has been shaped by that of my parents. Especially the bits I detest about my parents. My parents are God fearing Christians. They preach at churches, they see people healed, delivered, filled with the Spirit. In fact one of the key reasons I am following God is because at the age of sixteen I could not turn my back on God. As the Psalmist says, the fool says in his heart there is no God. And I would have been a greater fool due to the number of miracles and healings I'd seen with my own eyes. But, due to hurts in their past lives, the godliness was tinged with broken humanity. In many respects what I would call "New Testament Law" applied - rather than NT grace. Church was obligatory. Dressing up for church too. I never listened to non Christian music growing up, didn't start drinking any form of alcohol till 24, and to this date can count on two hands the number of times I'd been to a pub for a drink. My hearts desire was to serve the Lord in full time ministry. How much of that was laid down by my parents, and how much through the (many) prophetic words about me serving the Lord? The point being that I find myself carrying on in some of the same spirit as my parents, making key decisions during our married life such that it has had a major impact on my wife. Church. Work/business. Where we have lived. What we did in our spare time. You know, the big issues.

And so now I feel confused.

I have sought to follow the Lord all my life. Literally. I love the Lord, and I know He loves me. I believe that He guides our steps, directs our path. That He is faithful to complete that which He started in me. That He is changing me from one degree of glory into another. That I can hear Him.

And yet I have hurt my wife in my attempt to follow the Lord, such that a key question I have to answer is this - was I following the Lord, or my own ego? Was that ego shaped by me (of course) or by my parents (that too). So how much of what I have done (and still am) was in fact ego masked by the language of godliness?

And that's a really tough question.

I feel like the Israelites who weren't allowed to mix the fibres in their clothes (Deut 22: 11). I've mixed the wool and the cotton. God's will with my will. It's as if I have put my hand to the Lord's purposes (cf Uzzah and the ark). And the end result has been a) pain for my wife, b) pain for my children, and c) what pain to me? Where have I missed a quality of life and joy that I can only dream of?

So, some key questions I need to work through.

1. How much of what I am doing now is driven by me rather than God - where that me is either my selfishness, ego, pride, or as a direct result of my upbringing. How do I ensure that what I do is pure?

2. How can I better support my wife? I wonder whether the answer to this one is both a) spending more time with God, and b) seeking professional help (psychologist) to enable me to see the wood for the trees. ((and rereading this I should in fact at a) to lay down my life for my wife, deliberately, consciously, act of will support, care, listen.. love her.

My prayer: God forgive me a sinner. Give me grace, help me, wisdom. I want to support my wife but recognise that the thing that stops me is me. I love myself more. Forgive me. Help me. Change my heart, help me to chose to love her, care for her, support her, empathise with her, lead her.. love her.

I want to follow you, but this is difficult!

My life is yours o Lord. I want your presence in my life, your glory to be made manifest. I want you. But do I also want me? To do things for you. To be fulfilled. To feel good, useful, riding the wave, bringing life. Whoever wants to find their life must lose it.. Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone..

Alpha, business, mission, money, family, church.. there's so much I could do, so what should I do. I know, I know, be lead by God. So here I am listening to some worship, worshipping, praying. And my heart's cry is to follow the Lord. Know His presence.

And there are things which if they happened would make my walk easier, easier to follow you, easier to devote time, energy, money to your kingdom. A Sales Director in my business, Account Managers to manage my accounts. Increased revenues, profits.

Rome wasn't built in a day. David wasn't sat upon the throne within a day of his anointing. Perseverance, endurance, fighting the good fight, having done all to stand.

Chocolate gives a blood rush, raising levels of endorphin in the brain, releasing feel good factor. How much of our walk with the Lord is looking for the next spiritual rush. I felt good in your presence last year/month/week. You spoke to me, challenged me, allowed me to see the plains to the east and west, promised me that where my feet walked I could claim. But today I don't feel the endorphin. I just see the challenges. The time and commitment I need to give to my wife, my family. The bills that need to be paid, the jobs that need to be done. The workload I can't get through. The fact that I am but human, with a human body which is tired and feeling brearg.

I am faithful to complete that which I started in you. Have faith. Believe in Me. I am the same yesterday today and forever.

Oh God, I believe, help me in my unbelief. I want to follow you. Give me wisdom. Allow you to change me from one degree of glory into another. Work on my heart, as who I am is far more important than what I do. Allow your grace to flood me and mine. Keep my feet from the net, make my paths straight, hide me under the shadow of your wing, allow your work to be evident in my work, your mercy to be upon us all the days of our short lives, your beauty shining upon us. For how will they know that You are God unless you go with us? Do not let me move on from here without your presence.