So.. adieu 2007

2007. What a year, and maybe the best year of our marriage.

Therapy

We are both in therapy (my wife now for 15 months), me for 4-5 months. And it's life changing whilst very draining and difficult. As Jesus said, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free" along with later in the New Testament "be renewed by the washing of your mind" - that's what we are doing.

I'm very conscious that not everyone understands therapy. In fact only those who have gone through it could possibly understand it. If you are wondering about, please read Scott Peck's excellent book "A Road Less Travelled".

Girls

They both moved school (now 10 mins walk max) and have made some great friends. Life is slowing down a little. My youngest has just stopped ballet/tap/modern/freestyle at the dancing school 7 miles away, and is joining one 3 miles away that she can get to on the bus. So that means I don't have to leave work at 4.15pm to race home, pick her up, race to the dance school, plus Saturdays!

In fact we get our weekends back, so we will be able to go out as a family (something we've not been able to do so for some time). I'm planning on starting climbing with my oldest (14) - who did do it for a while and enjoyed it. So that will be some father daughter time.

House

The house project started in September, and has another 2 months to go. An extension along the back, new bedroom over the garage and new garden room - along with new windows, roof and a couple of walls moving will ensure a wow factor.

Company

The new Sales Director (started July) is working out well. We're are just about breaking even month to month at the mo, but expecting to be around £100k loss for the year by end of March. If we can improve on that I will be very happy. I'm expecting a great 2008/9.

Me

I've picked up photography - and I'm looking forward to getting out there to take some decent photos.

I asked for some art stuff for Christmas - pad and pencils to start with. I want to try some water painting. But first I need to see if I can draw! Early signs are quite promising.

I'm still watching my local football team (season ticket holder) - which is great as we are currently seeing premiership teams every week, the downside is we are losing more than we are winning!

Friendships - I've made good friends with a chap in our village -which is working out well.

Church

We've stopped going to our last church as there was very little for youth - and we (or my girls) needed it. So we are still looking around. Watch this space.


The next posting should be objectives/aims for next year!

Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year!

God's will is like a tree..

So, here's the deal. I was brought up in a home and church where there was a strong call to follow God's will. And there's nothing I'd rather do. It's as if within me there is a deep and powerful current wanting to follow God's will. At all costs.

However - what is God's will? I spent the first 15 years of my adult life trying to follow God's will in terms of full time ministry within a church. And I have to say I was the most frustrated man. Once I got to the end of the 15 years I realised that I was missing something. Maybe God wasn't wanting me to go into full time ministry - so I started my company.

But deep down I think that that strong undercurrent is still running - robbing me of peace and joy. I feel that I should be seeing many people converted, healed - in full time God work. So how can I rest? Well - I'm sure there's more to follow on this subject.

But, following on from my previous post about a double bind, I was thinking this through when I saw a tree in our front garden. And the thought struck me - which branch is correct? Is it the one that grows left, or right? The answer of course is that every branch grows towards the light (God) and is connected to the stump (vine). So there is no wrong branch. And in fact each branch branches again and again and again.



So it is with the Lord's will. There is no one will. Despite what I've been taught or chosen to believe. I felt that God's will was like the eye of a needle. Impossible to get through but I still had to try. This despite the fact that I know that I am a Christian because of Jesus did for me (grace) rather than my own works (law). Yet, there it is. I feel like I've been trying to squeeze between two very large steel plates that only has a 1/2" gap between them. The steel plates are cold, unforgiving and hard.

But, thanks and praise to God, His will is not like that. It's not like trying to pass through an eye of a needle, but it's like a tree. Which grows towards the light, left or right, it doesn't matter. There's choice, freedom.. grace I guess.

Now that's another revelation that I need to ponder for some time..!

The double bind.

Ok - so last post was 15th November. Now it's 30th December. That's 6 weeks..

From a therapy perspective, it's been tough, and then good. I said to my therapist that I wanted to work on the key reason I came - namely to work on that deep and dark bit within me in order to be able to better love my wife and girls.

So we focused on that. And ouch. Realising just how much of a negative impact my father made up on me as a child. It is sooo painful. It's a bin bag I don't want to open, as it feels like staring down your worst fear, biggest painful emotion, out of control, and that it will rip you apart.

And yet looking at it (or starting to), along with the corresponding emotions, has left me feeling a little freer.

As I was looking at what my father had done, I realised that the reason I struggle to do normal things that everyone else does (like drive at a normal legal speed, queue normally, follow convention) was because I was somehow trying to prove that my dad has no hold over me.

So a) I have vowed not to be like my dad, and b) I had (without realising it) set about either not being like my dad or showing that I wasn't submitting to my dad.

My therapist called it a double bind. That despite the fact that I had vowed not to be like my dad, that very vow ensured that I was still defined by my dad - as I was/am working hard not to be like him.

Wowsers - what a revelation! Realising that almost my entire life has been defined by my father (positively or negatively) is a big thing. That the reason I struggle to submit to anyone (laws or otherwise) is because I'm kicking out against my dad. It's as if I've just seen the whole of my past life through a set of different eyes.

That revelation will take some time to work through. Think through, seep in. I can drive at 30 mph behind someone else without needing to look for an overtaking spot. I can drive on a motorway without being driven to go faster and faster. That's such a change! I don't have to beat everyone, prove I'm better, stronger, fitter. I can just be me. Whomever that is..

Things are a little rosier, and I'm changing

After revisiting the cash flow as per last entry, I am feeling happier. The figures we've put forward in terms of sales and costs are really worst case (though I find myself having to reclassify "worst case" as each quarter goes by...). However, the meeting with the bank managers went well. Sort of. As long as sharp intakes of breath at seeing losses for the next six months don't count. But, seeing the next financial years figures helped. That and our track record. So I'm hoping that they will be able to give the company a £150k overdraft whilst not requiring my house as the asset.. Watch this space.

My wife is still working through something painful - which makes me feel like I must be some sort of monster. Why? Because last week I was Mr Nice, this week I'm Mr Persona Non Grata, Or Worse. I find this difficult and painful. In fact I find it crushing.

I talked about it with my therapist this week. He said it was because my wife sees me as a man, but on the inside there's a little boy who is hurt and hasn't been nurtured. Work through stuff, see the truth of things, and I'll be able to nurture (parent) that part of me, which in turn will mean I will be able to relate to my wife at a different level. Currently I react on the inside as if my father was still beating me when anyone says anything against me. Deal with that, and I won't feel like that again.

Renew your mind, the truth will set you free..

I'm working 5 days this week, which is the first time I've done that in over a year. I couldn't have done it a month ago, as I was too exhausted - which shows that as I work through these painful stuff which has been internalised from the past, I am being liberated, released resulting in more energy. And so though extremely painful at times (and I mean looking at the most painful areas), I can see the change it bringing about within me, and I like it.

:)

Bad cash flow forecast - pressure!

Took 20 minutes to pray/talk to God last night. I needed to. Slept for around 6-7 hours, and then sat in traffic this morning for 30 minutes, meaning another 30 minutes with God.

'God help me' was my cry. I'm lost, can't do it, it's too difficult, but with you all things are possible.

Working on the financial forecasts for bank meeting tomorrow. We were showing £250k cash down by Dec, and getting worse before it got better. So sat down with my finance lady, put down very honest sales figures, spotted a couple of errors, and now instead of going down by £250k in December, provided the figures are right it will mean only being down £35k by end of March. That's altogether more manageable. The figures for next financial year still go to £150k overdraft/cash negative but again that's manageable.

So.. phew. I've got options again. Suddenly the bank manager meeting tomorrow isn't as key. I'm back in some form of control again :)

One of the other options is to create a new company and transfer a new product we've been working on which has taken over 300 man days to develop so far. It means we can transfer (sell asset), subject to the new company having the cash in form of a bank/government loan, £150k say into the company. That will mean we have enough cash to last, without requiring an overdraft. And as I said yesterday, an overdraft may cause complications in terms our house mortgage, and (more) freedom for my wife to do what she wants.

With the cash sale of the product to the new company, it also means that my current company would move into break even (after 6 months). The current forecast is that we will still lose another £110k by the end of the year based on the pragmatic sales figures we've used. But, as I knew this year would be a development year - if we come out with a strong management team, stronger internal systems and a stronger sales team we will be well positioned for next year.

So. A relief. A real relief. Thank you Lord.

But, because I've now had a fairly stressful three days at work (losing our first and one of our biggest customers Friday, finding out about a number of major service (client) issues on Monday and receiving the management accounts which showed a further loss in Oct with a very black forecast in terms of cash flow), and arriving home to my wife working through some of her stuff which when directed at me always feels like a twisting knife in my insides.. it's been tough with no outlet. I've not been able to talk to my wife about any of the company stuff, neither have I been able to communicate any of the feelings/stress/pressure I've been under. Instead I've had to take her issues on the chin.. further adding to my internal full up ness.

So this morning I was (whilst in the car) thinking through whom is now in my support network. My wife obviously is top of the list, but when she's working through her own stuff it means she is not available. My therapist is available once a week - which though really surprising is really making a big difference. I am currently building a new friendship with Chris who has similar background - which is working out well. I see him once every week or two, but although we've shared some quite deep stuff it's still early days. Then there is a lady (business coach) who I've got to know through work. She is very supportive (mutual), but I have to watch this relationship due to make/female thing. I've talked to her about the Lord which has resulted in her finding God. She's challenged me on my drive, and encouraged me with the therapist. So it's actually a really good relationship, but she did say that to start with there was an issue for her reference attractiveness. Although I'm not attracted to her in that way, she backed off for a couple of months.

And that's it. So I want to increase my support network (friendships), but this takes time. I'm pleased about Chris.

So.

Some tough stuff going on, but the toughest is the internal stuff. My history hurting me now until I've worked through it, plus my wife's stuff which frankly adds to my internal stuff (my issue not hers). But, God is good, I chose to believe that He is going to help me so that the end result brings glory to Him.

And now work is tough.. this really is hard going..

Hmff. Just as I thought I was starting to make some progress, letting out emotions and feeling freeer somehow, with greater energy levels.. and Kaboom!

Ref the company: we are £110k down (loss) after 7 months. Takings for October were low, and it's going to be a tough quarter. I'm seeing the bank Wednesday to ask for a £250k bank/government backed loan, as well as a £150k overdraft. For the benefit of me paying extra to the bank they will ask for a hefty asset to back the overdraft.

We lost my first customer on Friday, which brings in £140k per annum, and cash up front. It was like a baby dying. My baby. I've poured my life into that accounts over 4-5 years, dealing with all the stress, ensuring we deliver what we've sold. Now times have moved on, and one of my managers has made a big mistake. Six months later, they've walked.

Then over the weekend a client who were really happy with us raised a support call with one of our support staff. The staff member refused to deal with it, claiming it wasn't a priority. Then another client.. you get the picture.

It's tough going. The support team is a mess, we are not selling enough, and are fast running out of cash. I can't tell my wife as she would only worry with no power to change anything.

There are really positive signs - namely that the management team are making a difference, but serious investment is required in new application software (min £50k per annum). The Sales Director is focusing on the right things, and looking to build pipeline with clients who both have money with and we want to work with. etc. etc.

However. Black and white. The sales figures are not high enough to pay for monthly outgoings. And we need to invest more. But we can't see sales improving much until say April next year.

I have no one to really talk this through with. I'm having to work longer hours again, and I need to ensure that everyone knows that I am supporting them. That impacts my wife. And me. And one of the things that I have learnt is that I need to give outlet to my feelings and emotions, not bottle them up and internalise them.

I've made a promising friend recently, who has himself lead a division of a business. So I've started to talk with him (this is a mutual relationship). I also see a lady who loves working with owner managers, and I'm seeing her tomorrow for lunch. So I'll pour out my heart a little then. Then of course there is my therapist - who I can be totally honest with and he will listen.

He did encourage me to write a journal - which is what this is. And I'm hoping it helps to get some of the frustration, stress and feely emotion stuff out.

Meanwhile my wife is going through her own stuff, and her words to me as I asked her how her day was whilst sitting down after getting back late were "I've been crying all day, realising the humiliation I feel of my role in this family/marriage". She's currently on the phone talking to her sister as her brother has recently found out his wife is leaving him for another man.

So, I have all this work stuff to deal with, then I need to deal with my wife's anger, hurt and frustration. And because of my relationship with my father, I take any negative emotions (not the right word, but you know what I mean) as a personal attack on me. I can't defend myself, but don't react. So I internalise that too....

And it all builds whilst internally telling myself that I am not acting to my own perfection standards and must try harder.

BUT NO. I want to break that chain. I don't want to live under the way I coped with my dad's angry and violent barrages. By being perfect so that he had less reason to randomly attack me. And not standing up and letting my emotions out.

So, I don't need to be perfect, I can express my emotions (in the right way at the right time with the right person), and I don't need to try harder.

And Lord - can I give my company back to you? As well as me. And my wife. And my girls. I love them, and there's no one better to look after them than you..

Ow this hurts.. dealing with the past

So. I'm into November. And I'm hurting.

I'm realising that the reason I'm so tired/exhausted is NOT because I did 80 hour weeks at work for 4 years (though clearly that didn't help), but because I have 30 odd years of pain buried deep within me. And that pain is causing me to act and do things which are tiring.

Because of my upbringing, and how I responded to that, I have found out that;

1. I have no way of dealing with (what I perceive as) negative emotions such as anger
2. I'm a perfectionist - everything I do has to be the best, a world beater
3. I've been nurtured to be a performer - I'm on show and therefore need to maintain that perception
4. I need control to ensure others can't be in a position to hurt me
5. My dad has really hurt me
6. So has my mum..
7. My IBS symptoms, along with my general exhaustion is down to the areas above.



My dad has an angry streak. And by angry I mean unwarranted, unavoidable, unmerited anger, directed at me as a child. From a baby, through into adult life. He would flare up over anything and everything - things which were completely unconnected to me (such as there not being a newspaper waiting for him on his return from work, or one of my sisters doing something and me getting the blame). The anger would be violent. First of all came the "boil", followed by the "explosion", then the "violence", then the "guilt" and finally the "recluse". Those were the stages my dad went through.

And it was not a pleasant place to be. In fact it was awful - something which we were unable to voice at the time. I'm not sure which stage was the worst. The resigned fear of the boil, the violence, or the aftermath. But it was personal, it was directed at me (as well as anyone else in the vicinity) and it hurt.

I mean really hurt. We had no way to communicate about this at home. There was no forum for discussion. In fact we were strongly encouraged to ignore this behaviour, and act as if it weren't there. Mum would say "it's just dad, you know how it is, it'll blow over".

At an early age I vowed never to react the way my dad did. Since then I've realised that this may not be all that healthy, but as I discuss these things with my therapist - and the corresponding gut wrenching emotions that come with it - I've come to the conclusion that I've not dealt with it in any way. I've just pushed it down, internalised it.. but like the black bin bags I mentioned in a previous blog, it's still there cluttering my freedom.

And as I begin to look at it, allow myself to feel the emotions that are within me, whilst looking at why I am who I am, who I am etc - then my insides feel as if they are carrying a mountain of rock, a 12000 volt battery of emotional energy, all contained within an internal pressure cooker..

And the dawning realisation of the pain I felt as a child, and still do as an adult, is indescribable. The feelings of being let down, of trust broken, of my hero hurting me, crushing me, pulverising, beating, squashing, trampling me. And it hurts. But to let it out means becoming really vulnerable, admitting to myself in my inner most being that this was the reality - and that's too painful. And as I write this it is as if something large is inside my intestines - painful, moving..

So Lord, I want to let this go. With everything within me I need relief from the inner pain, the turmoil, the resulting perfectionism, the driveness, the control all of which rob me of freedom and peace. But to let go means (I think) I need to go there. I need to realise that' it's there (not go back into history as such, not be regressive, but confront the reality of what happened, allow myself to see the truth). Come face to face with the pain and hurt and allow it to flow out of me. And that is not easy.

OOOOOOOOOOOOWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'm really hurting.

I have forgiven my parents (lots of times) - and as far as I'm aware I have no bitterness etc. But what I haven't done is deal with the effect or impact of their imperfection. As I'm now thinking through and coming to terms with the reality of what happened (and in a way still does) I need to grieve, come to the terms with the pain that's there and let it out. And how I want to, because as I may have said already - this is really hurting..

Does your bag smell?

I guess if you put rubbish into a bag.. and keep putting rubbish into the bag. All sorts of rubbish. Kitchen waste, remainders of meals, out of date stuff from the fridge.. it starts to smell. So you find some different stuff to throw in to cover the smell. Layers of newspaper maybe.. or tie up the bag. Yes. That's what we need. A new bag. So lets stuff the old bag out of sight somewhere. A new bag. Hurrah. We can put lots of waste in here.. until it gets full, and it is replaced by a new one..

We carry on, thinking we are being smart. Do you suffer from bad smells? someone asks. What me? Nah. I'm good. I don't suffer from odour like others.. Meanwhile, subconsciously we tie another bag and stuff it out of sight.

Then, one day, something unexpected happens. We realise that we can't move anymore. The way to the front door is blocked, as is the way to the back door. We can't get out, but can't work out why. The fact that the place is littered with all these smelling leaking rotten black bin bags somehow escapes our attention.

We double our efforts. Work harder. Put it behind us, move on. Claim some Bible verses. Pray saying God, help me to move. And tie another bag. We get tired. We push on. We get ill. We push on. Must try harder..

Until we can't. A person close to us tells us that they can't live with us anymore. Our bodies shut down, meaning we can't work. We feel exhausted, anxious, stressed, emotional - and not sure why.

Lord, make me know truth in the inward parts. For we will know your truth, and we will be set free.

Truth about what I've hidden. Truth about the effect of my dad on my life. His anger. His irrational rage. His control. My mum. Her need to keep the peace, thus supporting my dad. Not allowing us to make our own decisions. Not being able to discuss feelings/emotions as a child. Having to pretend all was fine as we were paraded at church. After church. After church. Dad ministering. Us pretending to be the perfect family. Standing on a platform in front of hundreds giving my testimony. At 6 years old. And 7. And 8.. and every year until I left home. Rage, anger, violence, Hallelujah. Rage, anger, violence, smile.

And the effect that this had on me as a child. Predisposed to being abused without standing up for myself. So being bullied at school. Until 13. When God did something. But nevertheless. Being bullied. Why? Because I was weak? No. Because I was stunted, a freak? No. Because I'd been bullied by my dad, and my mum stood by and did nothing. Turn the other cheek. Blessed are the peacemakers. Honour your parents. Hey, bully me because I haven't been taught to stand up for myself.

Then add all the years of crap that I've pushed into bags since then.. lots of bags to clear out. Lots of truth to be applied.

Yes, yes, it's great that I'm in this place. It means that I am starting the hard hard process of clearing junk out from my system. But you know what? It's really really painful.

Emotions!

Well. What to report. I'm not getting quality regular time to pray at the moment :(. I'm reading the Bible over breakfast - which is something. But I'm not beating myself up.

I/we are making progress on the personal front. This last week has been really good. My wife and I have had really good chats about some really deep things. How I perceive her apparent up/down swings and impact on me (I.e. it's not all my fault, but stuff in her past). She has spoken with me about my frequent inability to really connect at a deep emotional level. Both conversations were life changing.

We had a great weekend (in the sense of our relationship, the weekend itself involved Fri, Sat and Sun taxiing which was tiring!), and when I came home Monday night my wife was really... attractive. She was chirpy, fun, light, and it was a relief. In fact I was quite emotional. We talked later that night, and we both had a good cry together. She's dealing with her past, I'm working through mine, and we are working together for each other. And it's great.

I remember shortly after getting married that another chap told me that marriage and everything that goes with it just gets better. And I agree. Provided you keep working at it, investing it, treating your wife as your treasure, it does get better. It gets you through the hard times, and allows you to celebrate the good. Together.

I saw my therapist this afternoon (first time in 4 weeks due to hols etc). And it went ok. I explained much of my last 2 postings. He said that it appeared to him that we (I) deal with a load of negative stuff as children, then we go into adult life and deal with more stuff there. Eventually it gets too much and it starts affecting us. Until we deal with it we become overrun. The deal is work through stuff to be free from it. Most of us (me until now) just push down negative stuff. Apparently the vast majority of his clients have some kind of irritable bowel. It's as if we push stuff down, et voila. There's the physical being impacted by the emotion/psyche.

I'm enjoying the fact that I feel emotional, and am very aware of the deep grunging/twisting in my guts which has been there for some time now. Whenever I get stressed, or deal with a thorny issue, it feels like someone has grabbed my guts, and is twisting them. I believe that's the crap that I've pushed down there, and I want to deal with it. My therapist says this takes time, and is a gradual process. I want it out now. But there you go.

So. All in all, the company is making a loss (6 months in and around £100-140k down), I have a new sales director who is doing very well, releasing me to give me more time, I work 3-4 days a week, taking more time for myself, working through issues, feeling emotional.. I've sold my big merc (for a £10k loss :( over 4 months), and have just bought a Golf (for 12 months). Building work is progressing quickly (walls going up along back of house).

So that's it. Update complete.

OK - I'm fighting..

Ok - hot on the list of yesterday.. thinking about it more last night, and whilst sleeping, and this morning.. And being encouraged to fight from the book mentioned yesterday, I'm going to fight .

As I was reading this morning I was struck by a number of things; (Matthew 9).

1. The lady with the issue of blood for 12 years pushed through that she may only touch His garment to be healed
2. The ruler's daughter who had died, but whom Jesus raised back to life
3. The lady with the bleeding, that despite the fact that Jesus was on a mission that did not put her off, and Jesus had the time and compassion to address/heal her
4. Two blind people followed Jesus crying out to Him to be healed

Now hears the thing. All of these people went to Jesus, Jesus did not come to them. (Ok theologically He did, but you know what I mean). They went to Him. Out of their desperation. They were desperate. They had tried everything. The woman had used all her life's savings. How often do we do everything bar go to the One who has the answer? The doctors, change our diet, psychotherapy, dietitian, gym, life coaching, reading, research in the internet, push more, strive more... and we don't take our daily bread, and drink the daily living water. We forget that we are a branch in the vine. That without Him we can do nothing.

So here's what I am going to do. I started well, I now need to continue.

I need to try and gain a daily time with God. Where I read the Bible, meditate, worship and pray. And I need to fight for this. He is my answer. He is my life. He is my strength. He is my joy. He is my peace. He is my redeemer, my comforter, my counsellor, my high tower, my light to my path, my guide, my saviour, my companion, my friend on the journey, my trusty mate, my confident, my greatest champion, my mentor/coach, my leader, my soul buddy, my spiritual father, my carer, my reason for living. He is my passion, my love, my delight. He is all I need.

And here's the hit list. My flow of blood, my blindness, my death;

1. My history/past which causes me to act as I do today
2. My false self, my alter ego, that which I've built up to protect me from the hurts of the past and current
3. My wife - that she may continue to move into life in all it's fullness
4. daughter 1&2 - that they may continue to grow up into the beauty that they are, whilst being totally encapsulated by the Lord's beauty
5. The rest of the balance list..

God, Heavenly Father, I bring these areas to You. You love me, died for me, created me. You care more about me than I can possible understand. But I want to fight with your truth, your spirit. God, Father, in Jesus' name I stand upon the truth of your word, the blood you shed, the truth about me. I believe in You. Deliver me, heal me, restore me. And the same for my wife and daughters. In Jesus name..

I'm hurting..

I'm currently reading a book called "Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul " by Jon Eldredge. I was lent it by a friend who has recently separated from his wife of 20+ years. From Jon's own description of the book;

'God designed men to be dangerous', says John Eldredge. Simply look at the dreams and desires written in the heart of every boy: to be a hero, to be a warrior, to live a life of adventure and risk. Sadly, most men abandon those dreams and desires - aided by a Christianity that feels like nothing more than pressure to be a "nice guy." It is no wonder that many men avoid church, and those who go are often passive and bored to death. In this provocative book, Eldredge gives women a look inside the true heart of a man and gives men permission to be what God designed them to be - dangerous, passionate, alive, and free.

I'm about 2/3rds of the way through. And I've hit a chapter that caused tears to stream down my face as I read it. I won't spoil the book for you if you are reading this, but in short it hit me with the following :-

1. I have a wound
2. It was (most likely) put there by my dad
3. I've owned the wound as mine
   
4. I've built up a false self around the wound (drive, selfishness, ego)
   
5. I don't admit to the wound
6. It matters and it's not my fault
7. God wants to heal the wound, in fact He's the only one who can heal me

And boy do I have a wound. And it hurts. And I've ignored it all my life. And I've concentrated so hard on trying to be a man by building a personality around the wound. I'm failing. Tired. Hurt. In pain. Exhausted. Unable to continue. Alone. Desperate, but not desperate enough to wholeheartedly go to the One, the only One, who can heal my wound. Who can whisper into my heart unconditional acceptance, love, affirmation.. who can whisper my name.

I struggle in my marriage, driven by duty and guilt, not being free to be a man. I struggle being a dad, feeling like I can't get through and am not respected. I'm driven, bossy, controlling, lonely, trying, hoping, trying, trying, trying. Yes, I have a strong self worth. I really have. But. Always trying. Getting it wrong, messing it up, failing, yet trying.

God - help. Help me. I surrender. Come to me. Open my heart. Allow me to cry. Years of pain. Years of trying to be something I know I am not. Come and heal me. Speak into my heart. Cos no one else can. Not my wife, not me, not my dad, not my girls. Only you. Only you.

Currently my wife can't speak to me. Again. Cos of something I've done wrong. Now - I could fight and point out that she's due on, is suffering with her own wounds. But I find it hard when I try so hard all of the time. I try and show her affection. Give her a hug. Compliment her on something or other. Try and talk to her. But she blanks me. I challenge her on it and she claims it's my issue to deal with. She's being perfectly polite she says. I need to deal with x or y. Bollocks thinks I. You are being civil, but not loving. You are cutting me up. Ignoring me hurts me to my core. She feels fully justified because of all the areas I've written about in this blog. A week ago I was mr lovely. This week I'm persona non grata. One week I don't initiate sex (what's wrong with you? Am I not a woman?) the next the very hint of sex from me and it's don't come near me, I can't trust you. You've hurt me. I'm on a snakes and ladders game, never knowing from one day to the next where I stand. She's dispassionate, and yet how come I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster?

ARggghh. Could it be that my wife is struggling with her own issues, and transferring them onto me? Of course. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I (from duty, guilt or godliness) try. Try. There's that word again. Try and talk to her. Listen to her machine gun my character/me. I listen, knowing that I can't really reply as I would like because a) that's confrontation/emotion and a long time ago I decided not to do that (which I'm working through b) she can't handle it.

It's my fault. That's how I feel. Everything that's wrong in our marriage, a lot of what's wrong with my wife is my fault, our relationship is my fault. I can't support her, I've treated her like a mistress whilst I set up the company, I'm bossy, I'm controlling, I've not cherished her, I'm not responsible, I don't take responsibility for the girls, I don't really love her (in the sense of giving my life for her). And the thing is, she's right. And I recognise my own faults. And am working hard on trying to get to a place where I can be fixed.

But I can't change over night. And I feel it does no good for my wife to constantly (that's how it feels to me) criticise me. I may get some affirmation/praise/encouragement/affection for a very small part of a month. Affection maybe a couple of times lasting minutes. But the rest of the time I feel that I am in the dog house, trying to make up for past sins.

And yet my wife is nothing like some of my friend's wives I see. She doesn't put me down publicly. She isn't as bad as I portray. I love her dearly. And I know that she loves me. It's just. It's just that is how I feel. I'm not good enough. I'm failing her. I'm the cause of her pain/loss/anxiety/stress. And I can't take it any more.

And yet I take Friday's off - and that day is spent doing what Caroline wants. I work from home Wednesdays which actually means I take her to her counsellor (20 mins away), wait an hour, then go for a drink/walk/lunch afterwards for her to talk through stuff. I'm also available for the rest of the day. I'm home by 6.30 Mon, Tue and Thurs. I get the girls up for school, make sure they've gone to school. I take the girls and Caroline wherever they want to go. That means for my youngest trips out Thurs night, Saturday and Sunday for her dancing/singing (20 mins each way). Saturday and Sunday's are hers. Every evening is hers. I rarely go out myself (I'm working on this). I take Caroline wherever she wants to go - as she doesn't drive.

Caroline arranges things, and then they turn out to be too much for her. So I have to change my plans to support her. Often at short notice. If I don't then clearly I don't love/support her in the way she has for me. Holidays - she'll book then not enjoy. I get the blame. It's somehow my fault because I'm not taking initiative, I'm switched off, don't enjoy the types of holiday she would etc. etc.

She's reliant on me. She has no friends. She doesn't see family. She doesn't go out other than when she is with me. It wasn't always like this. Before we got married she went interailing around Europe. But now she blames me that she can't do that.

In a sense it's like me being a carer. There are good times and bad times. She knows her own mind, she's bright, intuitive, creative. She can be the most gracious woman on the planet. Actually too gracious, committing to things she can't follow through on which requires me to follow through. She's loving, sensitive, warm, and gives of herself. She can be incredibly sexy, passionate, erotic. But as a percentage of time she's these good things? Right now it feels like less than 20%.

And it's all my fault.

No wonder I'm shot to pieces.


I'm finished. I'm done. Exhausted. My insides are twisted.

God I'm wounded. Help me. Help me sort the chaff from the wheat. Help me stand up to be a man. A godly husband and loving father. Help me to confront where I need to confront. Help me to love, be gracious, supporting where I need to do those things. Help me. In short. Please help me.

General catch up - It's going well & I'm so proud!

Last Sunday during worship at my church, I had a real sense that I had been fathered over the last year. This grew so that I commented to my wife some time later - "you know, I really feel like i've been fathered this year". And looking back it's true. It's as if God has been on my case, but as a loving father would. Not giving up, not letting go, stopping me because He loves me. And it's a great realisation!

I'm more faithful/caring/loving to my wife, more faithful/loving/caring to my daughters. I have a work/home balance I've never had before. I get more sleep, more rest, more relaxation.. Oh - there's still so much to do. I know that, and look to my Father in heaven to initiate it. But, hey, it's good!

Seperately - the house project has now started. We are having a large extension added to the house, so that my wife can learn and go and do it on other houses. I've taken the liberty of having a pond dug (well, there was a digger) - and it's not a bad size. Photos to follow.

The girls (14 & 11) started at their new school last week - and they did very well. I'm so proud of them. They seem to have mixed well, being balanced, fun, warm and outgoing at the same time. I am so proud of them, and proud of my wife and I for having such wonderful daughters. I'm just proud!

Mental wholeness = being free from the past.

In Scott Peck's excellent book "Road Less Travelled" he explains the various factors which make up mental wholeness and comes to the conclusion (and he wrote this as a non Christian) that it is only some benevolent grace which allows us to function at all. When we add up the imperfection of our parents and those who nurtured us it is a surprise that we can functional at anything like wholeness...

So God's grace is evident. Shielding us from the worst of our parent's imperfections, and as we make decisions towards wholeness (Christlike maturity) His grace becomes the more evident. However, becoming a Christian does not make us perfect in our character/personality, and certainly does not put right our self image the day we come to Christ.

This takes time, reflection, meditation, prayer, hearing the truth, applying the truth, knowing the truth in our insides. Not just some mental assent, agreeing wholeheartedly to a sermon.. but deep down knowledge of the truth. After all as Jesus said it is knowing the truth that sets us free. And how do we know the truth? By reflecting, meditation, praying, hearing, applying, knowing the truth.. I.e. it's a process. It takes time. It can be hard work, challenging, difficult. Really hard. Can be like peeling an onion.- you deal with one layer only to find another one - but all the time getting closer to the core of truth.

For me, I'm asking for help from someone who is a professionally trained psychologist, who will commit to seeing me every week for as long as it takes (he believed 2-4 years is average), who listens to me (the hour is about me, not about him). And he challenges my thinking, but more than that he encourages me to take time, be reflective, meditate, and actually look at the issues (layers of the onion).

How do you feel? How does that make you feel? How did you feel?

And as he asks these questions I need to stop. And actually listen to what my body is telling me. I think that we (me !!) in the west are so focused on rational, logic, intellect that we've forgotten that God gave us a body with emotions, a soul, a gut, a heart.. Laughter is medicine to the bones. A merry heart brings a joyful countenance. Reading the Psalms we can see how David wrestles with emotions, crying himself dry, insides twisting.. and in these sessions with my therapist he gets me to look at what is actually going on on the inside. And it's not pleasant. I become aware of a twisting feeling in my gut, strong emotions which I have no idea what they are doing there..

And whilst the spotlight shines on these dark areas, the gut wrenching (and believe me that is what it is) is difficult. It makes me realise that all is not well in planet Mark Andrew. Oh I know it mentally (being tired, irritable bowel, drivenness etc.), but then feeling it - it's almost as if it a realisation that all is really not well. I can't escape from it by moving on, by driving, pushing.. but I have to deal with it.

So that's what I'm doing. I want to be empathetic and supportive of those around me on a day by day basis. I don't want to be driven by the past, but by God's grace. I don't want to contend with guilt every day, instead to experience life and joy. I want to be free to be all whom God created me to be. And Lord, that's my prayer.

Guilt! It's there and I don't want it..

As I was talking with my wife at the weekend, and as per my last blog entry, I came to the dawning realisation that I had no way of coping once I went to school. Why? Because a) my dad had bullied me (anger, unpredictive, uncontrolled, abusive) and b) my mum had supported my dad - and lead by her own example encouraging us to ignore it, let it blow over, it was something that couldn't be tackled - i.e. lay down and submit to it.

The result? I was unable to stand up for myself. It was like someone had painted a bulls eye on every part of my body. You can have me, as I won't fight back. In fact, I'm expecting you to bully me. Go ahead.

And as I moved onto high school I turned this into a martyr complex - hey, if I'm going to get bullied, I may as well get bullied for my faith. So I did. And I was.

It wasn't until 13 when I had a very powerful encounter with God (filled with the Holy Spirit) that my life changed. That was in June 1982. By the time I went back to school I was a changed man - and I remember thinking that it was as if God had wiped clean the memory of every person who knew me. It was later that I realised that it was me that had changed, not them.

But, back to the subject..

So what did my parent's behaviour tell me about me as a child growing up? My wife's therapist told her that by the age of two she knew where she stood with her mother. What had my parent's behaviour told me about me by the time I was two?

Was I in a safe nurturing place where I was welcomed, loved unconditionally and could express myself without fear of reprisal? Could I wake up each day and live the day without the fear of the protector (dad) flying into a rage? Could I expect my mother to stand up for me? Would I tap into their own unresolved hurts and pains from the past? Confirming the scripture that says the sins will be passed on to the children, and the children's children?

Whatever, all I know is that when I went into the real world (school) at 4 I was ill prepared. Hated it. Was rejected. Was not a good time. I didn't fit. That's probably what hurts the most. It was if I didn't fit, was somehow a reject, outcast. It didn't help that I was living in Belgium and will have learnt the language primarily at school - but I don't think that explains it at all. When I moved to england at eight, went to high school at 11 - the whole time I was bullied.

I didn't cry, didn't talk to anyone about it (what could they do?).. The saving grace was that I did have a good friend at home till 13 (when he went off to do with girls what you do with girls), and at high school I had a good friend (who happened to be the smallest in the year - so wasn't much help when I was being bullied!). And I had no problems at church - leading youth groups, worship etc..

But within the school context I was unhappy.

Fast forward to today.

I find myself consumed with guilt, can be both overly driven/proactive and passive at the same time. Passive because I don't know my own mind on certain areas (growing up my mother was very sentimental, and we had to do things out of duty, because it was the right thing, don't you know I'll be upset - control really).. but guilt. Why guilt?

If like today (I'm on holiday from work) I get out of bed and come downstairs without talking to my wife first, I feel guilty. I'm now sat here working through deep things, and somewhere I feel guilty for it. If I do anything for me, I feel guilty. Why?

I wonder whether the drive is a drive to get away from something. To get away from my mother's control, her sentimentality, her emancipation of me, to get away from my dad's unpredictive anger/rage, to not to have to feel the pain of unrequited relationship with my parents, and to run away from the guilt I feel but which has lodged itself deep within my gut - refusing to let go.

I drive, drive, drive. Must do better. Must ensure others can't have a hold over me (my dad? my mum? those I come into contact with?).

But again, why the guilt? I think that the guilt is deeper seated than just the fact that I'm not with my wife or daughters at any particular time. I believe it ties back into my childhood, and what my parents told me about me. That's not easy to fix..

You can now comment on my blog!

Hey - if you are one of the rare few who read my blog - you can now add comments regardless of whether you are a google user or not. Just comment away! Remember I'm anonymous so you can mention my first name (Mark) but that's it.

Ta

Mark

Why am I so driven?

Ten years ago if you'd told me I was driven I would have smirked at you, thinking you deluded. Ten years on and I now realise that indeed I am driven. Whatever I do I do it to the full. Church, my business, a pond..

If I'm trimming a hedge, I don't just trim it, I cut it back. So much in fact that the last hedge of 30 year old conifers I "trimmed" haven't recovered in 6 months - they are still brown with no new growth along their edges - and now need to be chopped down. My point being that I go over the top.

Why am I so driven? Why does that drive translate into me doing, doing, doing and not being, being, being? Over the last year I've worked very hard at changing my life, re balancing, focusing on my real treasure (wife ,girls), taking time out - and yet I am still driven.

Now being driven can be a positive thing - as my therapist is quick to point out. Without drive I would not have started my own business, would not want to be a better father/husband, move onto new things. So yes, having drive is good.

But being driven means that the drive becomes all consuming. So if I do a business, I do it for 80-90 hours a week. If I do church, I fill every evening and weekend with church activities. If I decide to build a pond, I work out the best, biggest pond possible (which would rival professional koi show ponds). If I drive somewhere, I work out the best route, fastest route, cheapest route, and ensure that no one beats me on my journey - going everywhere way beyond the legal limit. (though I have to say that I've been working hard on the driving a car thing - and now travel much more sedately - primarily because of the stress I now realise it causes within me).

And all this driveness drives my wife crazy. I go to the nth degree on everything. Well, not everything, but a lot of things. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be thought out. I want no one to be able to tell me they could have done it better, stronger, neater, fitter etc.

If I am out with my wife and we want to eat or snooze somewhere with a view, I will drive for 30 minutes trying to find the perfect spot - rather than picking the less than perfect slots before. It's like I can't settle for anything other than great. I can't allow anyone else to beat me.

And therein lies the rub. I may have already mentioned this, but I drove something like 400 miles across Holland, Belgium, France and then up to the Midlands and could tell you that only three cars had overtaken me the whole journey (this was 18 months ago). I realise that this is both destructive and issue laden.

Why?

Because I don't want to be beaten. Or rather I can't allow anyone to get the better of me. It's not because I want to drive fast perse (though I do enjoy speed), it's not that I want the most money, the biggest house, the best car. No, it's because I don't want anyone to get the better of me.

Why?

Because I was bullied as a child. And as I moved through my teenager years into adulthood I worked hard at this. I decided at some point that I was never going to put myself into a position where anyone could bully me (get the better of me) again. And I've honed this skill to become the person I am today.

And today, I am successful in the world's eyes. I run my own successful and growing business, I am married (17 years) to a fantastic wife who I love dearly with two beautiful girls growing up to be well adjusted confident and pretty. We live in a nice house in a nice area - and are adding a large extension to it. I drive a top of the range Mercedes 4x4 which is fully loaded... I have it all. But it's not what I want. Well..

I want to be happy, content, at peace, adventurous, risk taking, gracious, loving, strong, soft... and those things are nothing to do with businesses, cars or houses. They are everything to do with who I am.

I want to lose the stress in my gut, I want to lose the negative aspects of being driven, I want to have clear eyes which aren't puffy/red. I want to be fit and be able to run without getting knackered. I want to have time for my treasure. I want to have time.

So, this driveness thing is a big deal. And I'm working on it..

Calvinism - I don't agree with it but it's shaped my life!

So, what's it like? Psychotherapy. Potentially hard enough for anyone. But for a christian who has been taught that we can find all things in Christ? That Jesus is the way the truth and the life? That it's Him who sets us free?

You know.. I think that Calvinism has a lot to answer for. I'm not here to offer a theologian's perspective on Calvinism. Rather, how it has coloured my life..

[rereading this after I posted it, I think I need to explain in more depth what I mean by my take on calvinism, and maybe what I really mean - which I really haven't done]

For a brief review of Calvinism look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calvinism. Specifically read the five points of Calvinism (TULIP). If you can't be bothered to read it (and I would understand) the five points are as follows (from wikipedia): -

The five points of Calvinism, which can be remembered by the English mnemonic TULIP are:

• Total depravity (or total inability): As a consequence of the fall of man, every person born into the world is enslaved to the service of sin. According to the view, people are not by nature inclined to love God with their whole heart, mind, or strength, but rather all are inclined to serve their own interests over those of their neighbor and to reject the rule of God. Thus, all people by their own faculties are morally unable to choose to follow God and be saved because they are unwilling to do so out of the necessity of their own natures. (The term "total" in this context refers to sin affecting every part of a person, not that every person is as evil as possible.)
• Unconditional election: God's choice from eternity of those whom he will bring to himself is not based on foreseen virtue, merit, or faith in those people. Rather, it is unconditionally grounded in God's mercy.
• Limited atonement (or particular redemption or definite atonement): The death of Christ actually takes away the penalty of sins of those on whom God has chosen to have mercy. It is "limited" to taking away the sins of the elect, not of all humanity, and it is "definite" and "particular" because atonement is certain for those particular persons.
• Irresistible grace (or efficacious grace): The saving grace of God is effectually applied to those whom he has determined to save (the elect) and, in God's timing, overcomes their resistance to obeying the call of the gospel, bringing them to a saving faith in Christ.
• Perseverance of the saints (or preservation of the saints): Any person who has once been truly saved from damnation must necessarily persevere and cannot later be condemned. The word saints is used in the Biblical sense to refer to all who are set apart by God, not in the technical sense of one who is exceptionally holy, canonized, or in heaven (see Saint).

Now - what's my beef? Apart from realising that I'm not a Calvinist, I realise that much of the teaching I have received as a child growing up (charismatic, pentecostal, "free" churches), and much of my thinking has been developed along Calvinistic principals. What do I mean? (and feel free to correct me on where you think my thinking is wrong).

There's only one way of doing it. God has a single plan, a single destiny, a level of holiness which is derived not from OT law (as that would be legalistic!), but instead holiness derived from NT law. And that's how I've been living my life.

My wife is the one who points this out. Ask me about how church should run, whether someone should go out with a non christian, how someone is saved, how we can be filled with the Holy Spirit, and I can preach for hours. Ask me about hobbies, collecting things, walking, what extension we should have, what colour something should be, what plants I like, where I want to go on holiday - and I'm lost. Why? Because it's not in the Bible. So I don't have an opinion, I'm a blank. And that's what annoys my wife so much.

I can lay the law down (what I would call NT law), telling my girls how to behave, how often we should go to church, giving money, serving in church, serving others. My wife likens it to being like the Amish. We watched a programme on the Amish people. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amish). The TV programme we watched showed them to a people who worshipped God, but were completely cut off from the world. Didn't mix with non Amish people (Amish are Anabaptists), don't take electric, don't take anything from the government, and ride horses everywhere. The family the TV followed had around 15 children. The children were well behaved, polite and well rounded - bar the fact that they had no idea or concept of what was going on in the rest of the world. Had someone have asked them what they thought of salmon fishing, running, the internet, mobile phones - they would have been uncomfortable. Because their expression of their faith doesn't cover it, and gives no real basis to answer those questions (I'm add libbing here).

That's a little of what I am like. And it needs to change. I need to be able to enjoy life even if it's not within what I would define as NT law. Taking time out to pursue things which don't directly extend God's kingdom. Don't directly result in people being saved. Don't directly bring me to my knees in prayer.. and it's not easy.

I can only think that adding Calvinism to my experiences of childhood, being brought up in a strict Christian home (practising Calvinism even if not preached), being bullied as a child has all resulted in a one dimensional law abiding/giving christian who is driven to ensure he is bettered by no one (see later blog on bullying). And there lies my problem. And that's why I am seeing a psychotherapist (and a non christian one at that, tut tut). I want to change, to see the truth as Jesus meant it, not how we've defined it.

Therapy! 4 sessions in..

Well. I finally did it. I booked an appointment to go and see a psychologist. You only need to read me previous blogs to see why.

And I have to say, the first session was probably amongst the most difficult 50 minutes I've ever spent anywhere. I had zero control, zip. He started by doing an assessment (asking me all my personal details and writing them down on a form) - without giving me anything in return. I.e. no positive vibes, body language, empathy. I hated it. He asked me how I was feeling, and I told him. I was struggling. Why he asked. Because I'm not in control...

When I spoke with my family afterwards, explaining that I felt as if I'd been raped, they all stated that that couldn't be good for me. I agreed! But as I thought about why I had struggled, and talked to one or two others about it it became clear that he had challenged me to my core, and the fact that I had a huge issue with the way he had done it was in fact a pointer to where my challenges lay.

I went along the next week, and once I'd explained how I'd found the first week - he did give me something. He praised my courage.. and it was a lot easier. I've now had 4 sessions, and my wife has already seen a change. Namely because the therapist keeps focusing on my feelings about things, I was getting more grumpy at home - and probably being more real as a result.

2 weeks ago I realised that I was "too busy too feel". I.e. with family and work I couldn't take the time out to really admit to myself the constant nagging stress and sheer tiredness that I feel. Because if I did I would have to do something about it, but I can't. So I don't have time to feel.

My wife and I have just had a week without the girls (grandparents) and I have taken the whole week off, and realised just how knackered I am. I mean whacked out knackered. Tired doesn't really begin to explain it. Two and a half years ago at the end of the financial year I said to Caroline that I had run out of energy and needed 6 months off. That wasn't an option. So I've kept going, whilst giving out more and more to my family (e.g. my sister came to stay with us after her life had been wrecked in the Tsunami for 6 months).. when I told my therapist about this he asked "you mean you've been working on empty for over 2 years?". "Yeah" I said lamely.

So - I need to take some time out, get my life back into balance (see previous blogs!), and recuperate.

But you know what - I am excited. I'm excited that I'm moving on. Changing. Developing. Not in a rut. There's hope in my soul, and faith that God isn't finished with me yet.

Thank you Lord!

Am I at my Road to Damascus?

Well, my SD starts Monday. What a relief.

Things at home have been tough though. I've become so fully aware of the strong negative aspects of my personality, and the impact that has had on my wife. Basically, it's as if I'm incapable of truly relating to people who are close to me - as if I hold something back, stopping me from really committing to them. No lasting empathy. A central part of who I am which has not been developed or is absent. This is what has hurt my wife over the 16 years we've been married. So much so that she feels battered and bruised. We'd have great sex and then afterwards she would feel like from my perspective it had never happened. She would be expecting some deep connection with me, but all she would get from me is.. I'm not sure what, but not what she wanted. I use this as an example.

Last week she took to sleeping in a separate room because of the anger/hurt she felt. She could barely talk to me. Two nights ago I suggested we use the fire pit in the back garden (we like sitting round an open fire), and we were able to talk, me explaining I understood how she felt and that I'd booked to go and see a psychotherapist to help me work through this bit of my personality I don't get/understand.

That helped, talking I mean. [and we are sleeping in the same bed again!] But I am aware that I can, in some way, dominate, suck life, be bossy, be ungracious, take over, demand.. and the reason that I can see it is because my parents are like that, as are 3 of my 4 sisters. I've worked hard on NOT being like them, and yet clearly the same DNA (and I use that in a spiritual/personality/nurture way) is still there - no matter how hard I've tried. It's hard to explain unless you knew my parents. They see everything from their perspective, everyone else is wrong, everyone else doesn't somehow match up to some New Testament law perspective. Judging. Partiality. Resulting in hypocrisy.

I tell you, James 4/5 has really hit home with me. The wisdom of God is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of good fruits and mercy, without partiality or hypocrisy. I've lived the opposite for so long, under a pretense of being "wise and understanding". Yet James says that those who consider themselves wise and understanding should conduct good works in the meekness of wisdom. Words like peaceable, gentle, yielding, meek are not words I have associated with myself. And yet here I am having studied these very words almost every morning for the last 3 weeks.

It's as if I've missed some key instruction in building my house, and one of the walls is leaning. Impacting those around me. Or taking a different illustration, I'm in a train carriage hurtling towards my destination thinking all is well but those I share the carriage with feel that, at times, they are with demented frightening tramp (vagrant).

This is a painful revelation. I had someone pray with me at church three weeks ago, and they said they felt I should focus on James. But they also said that they felt I had been playing snakes and ladders but with the wrong rule set. My ladders were my snakes and my snakes my ladders. And I agreed wholeheartedly with him. My ego, nature and nurture has got in the way. I've pursued what I perceived as godliness only to be halted on my Road to Damascus. I guess I'm at the stage of waiting for Barnabas to come and pray for me in order that scales can be dropped off my eyes (maybe that's happened already) and that I can now offer the fruits of repentance - a changed life.. Lord let it be.

I guess if I reflect on the last 12 months (since I started drawing near to God, because He woke me up!), and the fact that I have, sincerely, read my Bible, meditated on what I've read, prayed, interceded, cried out, praised, worshipped etc - that the Lord has been gracious in leading me to this place. I have to believe that He's brought me to this place to take me beyond it. To understand what it means to be with my wife, rather than to do with my wife. To be with my girls, rather than to do with my girls. The same with work, church, friends etc. That the Lord will allow my marriage to blossom, my wife to blossom, my girls to blossom, and, I guess, for me to blossom.

Lord, I want your heavenly wisdom to be evident in my life. As James says, if anyone lacks wisdom let him ask in faith.. not doubting..

Fairly fundamental personality issues..

Email to another friend, 21st June

Thanks for the email. Sounds like you really did have a great week! really sorry to hear of the 9 year old [dying suddenly]. It really smacks between the bits that hurt when something like that happens. A little while ago one of my daughter's school friends aged 11 died in her sleep. It makes you think about the mortality of life..

How can life be so hard one minute, fantastic the next, then really hard again? The new Sales Director has accepted and starts a week on Monday. I'm very excited about that. We also have a new sales guy starting which will help us push towards the numbers this year.

On a downside, one of my most senior managers is out for 4 weeks with a broken collar bone (received on a company event!). Some key projects are losing me big money. And my other longest term chap (also on senior mgmt team) who was my first employee lost his cool in a most serious way yesterday in the office - and as a result may leave (I meet him for lunch today). So, I have quite a few things to contend with at the moment.

At home, balance.. I'm here, and trying to give, but it's not that easy. My wife is reacting/working through stuff at the moment which is a mixture of her own background and a mixture of the strong negative aspects of living with me. That's hard. I'm taking it to God in prayer, and feeling challenged at many levels. James 1 says "count it all joy when you go through various trials and testing of your faith.. knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience (or endurance/perseverance). And let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be complete lacking nothing". So - that's where I am. Being tested at my core. Knowing that the results come through endurance/perseverance whilst holding onto what you believe (that God will bring me through). Most of the time I'm not sure what to do for the best. If only there was a "do this" and we'd all be happy right? I have come to the conclusion that I need to see a psychologist/therapist to work through some fairly fundamental issues in my personality which have been there for some time (mixture of nature/nurture?).

--

Heh. There you go. I've known I need to see a psychologist for some time - on two counts;

1. Inability to truly hear what my wife is saying
2. A complete inability to empathise in day to day with those who matter to me

That, along with the fact that somehow tightly bound up within my personality is a desire to be the most important (see notes on James 4/5 and selfish ambition or self seeking). I see this trait in my parents and a number of my siblings. And it's not pretty. It takes over, dominates, demands attention, is somehow smothering. Now I have fought against this in terms of my family, and I have fought hard against it in my own life. But it would appear that even though I have trimmed back the fruit in many areas of my life - such that the excesses have been removed - deep within my core it's still there. And this is what affects those closest to me. My wife. My children. Those I work with.

So, for these three reasons, I need help. I need to know truth in the inward parts. And that truth will set me free. And then I can be a better person to live and work with. Lord.. that's my prayer.

--

And June - And God is still on my case

From an email I sent to a friend - 11th June

Well, we've found another Sales Director, expensive £125k guaranteed for 6 months, OTE of £150k per annum. But he's very experienced, has grown three companies, is loyal. The last company was from £6m-100m in 9 years. I'll have some of that.

We're losing money for the first two months. Which kind of grabs your attention. Allowing for my salary we're about £50k down after month 2. Which is a lot. I'm realising that to have profit whilst pushing for growth is very difficult. I've just written myself an action list of ten points, the first of which is to put the necessary plans/paperwork together to be in a position to get the bank to give us some cash. We don't need it at the mo, but better asking for it when you don't rather than when you do!

If I told my wife we were that far down she would be very stressed and distrusting of me.

We are in a catch twenty position where to grow we need more delivery staff. But hiring sales has been more difficult. Provided the SD starts (2nd July) and we get another senior account manager for public sector I do believe (faith!) that we can reach our targets for this financial year. This is to have the target revenue through the accounts and be profitable (9 months left). But this is the point that either faith kicks in, or, foolishness. Depending on your perspective it could be either. The bank manager and my wife would say the latter.

Lately God has really been on my case ref James 4/5. Self seeking, selfish ambition, humanly wisdom. It really is a follow on from the stuff He's been at me for the last 12 months. So much of what I strive for has been from selfish ambition, self seeking. Carried out with human wisdom. How do I know that trying to go for £5m isn't more of the same?

Sure I need faith, and have faith. Faith without works is dead. Useless. Worldy. Sensual. Demonic. Faith applies as much in a Sunday morning praying or preaching as it does growing a business. If not more so. God really challenged me last year to "take a hold of that for which he has taken a hold of you" - or in my language - to really go for it.

Hey - this is encouraging me as I write this. I feel quite flat at the mo, and am struggling a little with motivation ref the company. Interestingly, since interviewing the latest SD and thinking that he could do a better job than in day to day management of the company than I, the thought has left me feeling less motivated with the company. It's like it needs to grow, but the hard bit has been done. It's been started. I can pass it onto someone else. And I think that this is the thing that has hit me in the last week or so. I can pass it on. The people though great are not enough for me to carry on doing it.

I can look at the next thing. Mobile promotions. Travel to encourage brothers in mission. Support my wife (which needs cash!!). Hey, I think I'm telling myself what I want to be doing. The order should of course be the opposite! My wife first :o ;)

The thing is this stuff takes longer than you like does it not. Provided the SD starts (and I don't know how I'll react if he doesn't - probably slump for a while..) it will take him min 6 months to get up to speed ref sales team/management - and learn what we do as a business. Another six months to get to the numbers we need, so I'm looking at at least 12 months before I could pass on reigns. Maybe 2 years. Maybe it will be easier with another experienced heavy weight on the team.

Hey, do you realise how good you are at listening ;). You haven't interrupted me once. lol. Well - gotta go. I'm about the kingdom, And the violent take it by force (that's the bit I relate to) - but I'm learning that God's wisdom is pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield full for good fruit and mercy, without hypocrisy or partiality. That those who consider themselves wise and understanding should do good works with the meekness of wisdom. Meek. Pure. Gentle. Yielding. All words which I've not wanted to be associated with in my humanly pride/ego.

Lord - thank you that you are changing us from glory to glory one degree by another, and that your grace is enough, is more, is abundant. We can know your joy, peace and strength. You are our hope, our anchor, our strong tower to whom we can run and find safety. I confess that it is YOU who orders my feet, who makes my path straight and will remove me feet from the net. I believe that you are, and that you are a rewarder of those who diligently seek you. That the prayer of faith is effective. That you are Lord. My King, my messiah, my saviour, my wonderful father. Lord I praise You. You are wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Thank you Lord...

Shalom.

May already! -- Fruit, Treasure & Wisdom.

Can't believe it's May already. The sun is shining, skies are blue, feels like summer, birds signing, and God is good!

So - what's happened in the last month? God has been good.

1. I'm changing!

I've realised that over the last 11 months that God has been on my case (do not despise the Lord's chastening), and that He has been doing a work in my heart, resulting in fruit - which is what I am most excited about.

A month or so ago I was really challenged as to whether all the stuff God was showing me, and the stuff my wife was challenging me on, and the stuff I was seeing.. whether there was any real change (fruit of repentance). Oh I was upset. I could see the fruit of my ego filled actions. But was there the fruit, the resulting change in actions, true repentance.

Was I beginning to lay down my life for my wife, focus on godly treasure, get the life balance right. And I think I'm seeing the first fruits of the change. I'm not there, but I can see the first snowdrops of spring. Plenty more room for growth however..

2. Treasure

Where you heart is, there will be your treasure. I was really challenged on this last summer, and again recently. Prov 3:5 says "trust the Lord with all you heart". What does all your heart mean? Key words for me are "heart" and "all".

Heart is where your treasure is - what you hold dear, protect, nourish, spend time on, cherish.

All is everything. The whole.

I realised that I claim that my wife, girls and God are my treasure. But what I spent my time nourishing, guarding, protecting, admiring was what I believed I was called to do (church or business). So I was deluding myself. And here again things have begun to change.

I've changed my working week (Friday's off and work from home Wednesdays) in order to a) have more balance, and b) to treasure my treasure (my wife) and c) be available for my family (more treasure). And I think it's working. And I'm happy about that!

Of course, I have so far to go, as just because I'm at home does not mean proactive treasuring of my treasure - but that's the daily battle.

3. Wisdom

I love Proverbs chapters 1-3. Wisdom calls outside, in the open places.. the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Fear the Lord and depart from evil. Life, faith, wisdom.

I think I'm seeing something I've not seen before. Firstly fear of the Lord. The saviour of our souls. The one who has the power to throw us into eternal damnation. The one who will judge the living and the dead. The one who will burn our life's work to see what remains. The one who is worthy to open the scroll, the Book of Life. The one who guards our souls, the one who redeems, restores, forgives, is merciful, gracious, abounding in life and truth. The one who slew Ananias and Sapphira. The one who caused the whole of Israel to die in one generation in the wilderness. The one whom caused the mountain to shake (Moses), the one from whom people will cry for the rocks to fall on them on the day of his return. Fear of the Lord. The one, and only one, to whom I am wholly, truly, accountable.

Every time I sin, do something based on human pride, ego filled, it's not from faith, does not please the Lord. In those moments I forget the Lord, not fear the Lord. It is more comfortable to me to delight my soul in world stuff, rather than keeping mercy and truth bound around my neck, his law written on the tablet of my heart, meditating on his word day and night, acting in faith towards a loving, gracious faithful Father.

And that's a sobering thought. Fear the Lord, and depart from evil. That's what I've got to work on, through His grace. Departing from evil. Becoming more like Him. Taking wilful decisions not to watch wrong stuff on TV, to go to bed at a disciplined hour, to be proactive in my relationship with my wife, girls. Not taking the easy route. Not bowing to the lusts of the flesh, the desires of the mind, the whims of my ego. Departing from what I know to be wrong, so that the Lord can lead me on the paths of holiness - "be holy even as I am holy", living a "life worthy of our calling".

Proverbs 3:5-8

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and depart from evil.
It will be health to your flesh,
And strength to your bones.

Oh yes Lord. Help me in my failing weakness to remain in You, the saviour and hope of my soul.

Summary:

The Lord is good. I can trust Him for the big things I have no control over. In the meantime by earnestly desiring wisdom, looking for wisdom, persuing God, I will continue to change from one degree of glory to another, resulting in real treasure and fruit.

Hallelujah!

I don't want to die..

I went out with my wife yesterday. And again we had one of those conversations which challenges me to my core. The summary was that almost all that I do is for me, not for others. In fact, her summary was that I strive for what I'm called to whilst running round trying to keep everyone else connected to me happy. And I had to agree.

It's as if I can't let go of something deep inside me, but knowing that if I do I will enjoy a greater release of God's life. Last week in my prayer time, as I started to work through my prayer list, it struck me that much of what I was praying for depended on me. I.e. praying for my wife's contentment - in a large part that's dependant on me. My girls in terms of their spiritual walk, their confidence, their friends etc - again a large part of that is dependant on what I do and who I am with them. So rather than praying for them, I ended up praying that I would lay down my life for my wife, be the dad my girls so deserve..

But what does that mean? In short, dying to self. Dying to what I see as important (my ego, fleshly desires), and giving for others. My next question was, so how does that look? If the Holy Spirit were to whisper in my ear "sell the car, the house and go to China" - I'm sure I would do it. If He were to say "sell the company and run the local homeless hostel" - again I'd do it. But, however hard those things would be to do in practice, it is nothing compared to dying to self. I could do all of those things with the same Mark that currently is married with 2 girls and runs a business.

So, the Lord is calling me deeper. A death to self which is not dependant on what I do, but on who I am. Giving up some core part of me which I pride in, which I take my identity from, which I don't want to let go. In fact it is so deep that I can't place my finger on it, lay it bare and say, there it is, that's what needs to die. I guess, in short, it's me.

Ouch.

So, as per my last post, the Lord turned and looked and I fell apart. Peter was still holding onto himself. That's why he denied Jesus. I'm still holding onto my self. That's why I am still striving, still not committed to others, great in emergencies - not so good in business as usual.

And I am comforted, because I recognise that something needs to change. I need to radically and wholeheartedly commit to Him. The problem I have is that I can't see how, why or what at the moment. And for that I need more of His grace, His wisdom, as well as more of others around me.

That's what I lack on both counts. More time with the Lord, and more time with others who can help me. Spending more time with the Lord is something I'm already engaged in. But I have very few real friends (and that's over egging it). And I've also wondered about seeing a psychologist to work through some of the deep motivations (more on this another time) within my life birthed through childhood.

Proverbs 2:
1 My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,

2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,

3 and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

6 For the LORD gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.


I need wisdom. I need to know how to proceed, how to live, how to love, how to care, how to die to self, how to live to Christ.

Proverbs 1 shows that wisdom cries out in the market places, the street corners, the busy thoroughfares. Wisdom is there for anyone who wants to hear it, and apply it.

So, the question for me is, DO I want wisdom above all else? Am I willing to die to self?

I know the intellectual answer to that.. but the Lord weighs the heart. Lord, help me.