Bloody hell this is a long road

So. You'd think that after over three years of therapy, I'd be happier with my wife, living in my own home. Fuck.

I stopped seeing therapist number two in May/June, and since then have been going to a couple therapist with my wife. Three/Four months now. There's been some very powerful sessions. Realising the extent to which our parents are in our marriage is truly shocking. Fuck.

So, when I'm struggling with my wife, invariably it's not because of my wife, but because I'm seeing my dad. His voice. His rules. His expectations. Sometimes I see this - and fuck him. Other times it's far more difficult like now.

I still have my business - but am hoping to have sold it within three or so months. The last sale was aborted - which I'm relieved about because we'd have sold it to a bunch of rats. So I went back into the company, five months now, but I hate it. My heart is not there, and every minute is pants.

So. 3 1/2 years of therapy. Where have I got to?

1. Am I happier?

Sometimes I am. I'm also more aware of how I feel, which is often crap, angry and blue. This is very different to how I felt for most of my life - or rather what I suppressed. So I'd have to answer no. It goes in phases. Living with my wife, whom I love dearly, makes me feel unhappy as I am constantly shown just how inadequate I am. I thought of a quote for my headstone yesterday - "A great man humbled by the world". Quite apt I feel. That inadequacy leads to me feeling like I've got it wrong. Getting it wrong is something I'm not allowed. So that makes me depressed. I have no way of fighting against it. This is bound up with my wife - once more. And it fucking stinks. It hurts on my insides. My loins ache. As if I've swallowed bricks.

Nothing I can seem to do makes a difference. I'm left feeling that I and my wife would be happier apart, yet she tells me I'm daft.

2. Is my relationship with my wife better?

Yes and no. Yes in that we have some (a few) good times together. But it's still in the main devoid of real life and passion. I'm starting to be able to put my point across, not quite an argument or row, but I still find it very difficult. Sex is once a month. She can look very hot, and we can have great sex - but it's not often enough. And I don't want to make love to her when I'm struggling. She put in my birthday card that she loves me loads. And she often repeats it yet I find it so difficult to believe. That's the extent to which I struggle.

There are so many times I wish we weren't married. It would, I believe, be easier. Sure I'd miss aspects of being married to my wife. She can be the most loving, affectionate, caring, empathetic, supporting person you could meet. Then my dad enters. Trouble is, just knowing my dad is there doesn't make it easier to get rid of him. I then go into a spiral. Feels impossible to get out of.

I can feel like a prisoner in my own home, almost as if it's my mum nagging me. And that's not conducive to anything positive.

My girls are now 14 & 17. My relationship with them, in the main, is ok. They respect me, love me, and we talk. I get it wrong. Often. I say sorry for getting it wrong too. Something my dad never managed.

3. Do I have better friends?

Yes and no. More no. Where are these people who want to be open and real? 50/50? My best friend is so wrapped in work that he's not available for anything real. Second best friend is far more supportive, and more two way, yet he's not a "have a laugh with" type friend. My other friends live over an hour away.

So - I need to find more friends. And couple friends too - more friends that both my wife and I get on with. She wants activity based friends. I want social based friends. Another thing to work through.

4. My faith

This really is going through all sorts of questions, soul searching. Death - there's a subject. Very conscious I'm now 42. Life is moving along at pace. Not as young as I was. Not as driven. Family almost grown up. What's the point? Where do I go from here? Be a good dad... ok. Be a good husband? What does that mean? Truth - what is it really? Love? So bloody difficult. I do realise that if there isn't a God, with an eternity (almost of any sort) then life is ultimately pretty meaningless apart from the here and now, and the relationships I (we) live with. That may be all there is, and that may be enough, but I would/do find that a very depressing thought.

Summary

Life is difficult (see Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, P1). I'm on the narrow road - or so it feels (Jesus, the Bible). It's bloody difficult. And it's hugely unfair. Dealing with the cards my parents dealt me. Having to undo years of abuse. Again. It affects everything. Maybe no different from millions of people the world over. Yet difficult it remains. And I struggle with that. Struggle. Fuck. Fucking bloody fuck it's crap.

:/

Yet what can I do? What choices do I have? Giving a hug to my wife when it's reciprocated is one of the most wonderful things there is...

I hate religion.. including my dad's christianity

I'm still realising just how dominating my dad was. Overnight I had a dream where my wife and I went to visit a church for some reason. We met what turned out to be the pastor's son who was also married. He was very enthusiastic. We then met his dad, who was very dominating. At some point he prayed for the son in such a way that showed he was in total control (hands on, pushing etc until the son went "down"). That, along with other things showed us the score.

My wife started to tell the pastor exactly what she thought of him, but I stopped her. I wanted to explain our backgrounds first in order to try and build some kind of rapport, confidence in us otherwise there was no way they would be able to hear us. I realised however that they would not be able to hear what we were saying regardless..

And this so ties in with my experience. My dad was the pastor, I was the son. I don't remember him praying for me in such a way that I had no choice other than to fall down.. but the strength of control and influence he had over me was the same. And I shudder.

Over the last few weeks I feel as if I am pulling further and further away from my parent's religion. I hate it. It's all about show, all about "decisions", "they got saved" - justifying their lives. Where is the truth? The grace? The zoe kind of life? In fact what Jesus talked about..

And there's my beef right there. Church. God. Christians. ABC - accept, believe and confess and you are in. As if the way, the truth and the life can be summarised and packaged into a formula.

It's NOT why Jesus came. He came to bring truth, was the embodiment of truth.. in that way he was the truth. But those who think that by a simple mutter of "Jesus is Lord" gives them a one way super fast ticket to heaven?? I can't see it. They are deluded in the same way that Catholics are deluded by wearing a patron saint necklace or uttering so many Ave Marias..

What happened to the narrow road? The sheep and the goats? Working out our own salvation with trembling and fear? Hearing wisdom crying out on the street corner and doing all we can to take her? Grace. Truth. Life. It's not about listening to some chap called a minister droning at us every Sunday morning week after week month after month year after year. Can you imagine Jesus doing that?

In fact, he flew at the religious leaders as if they were the devil's own pawns. The religious crowd wanted to stone the adulteress, Jesus merely told her to go and sin no more. He didn't get her to recite some magic formula - repeat after me - "Jesus died for me so that I can go to heaven, and I confess him as my Lord". No crap he did. He saw her. He touched her. He extended grace. Real grace - not some religious hyperbole, not some I' m now being kind to you because you are a lesser person.. no. He saw her, touch her, sent her own her way.

Wasn't that the way he did it? Did he get his disciples together every Sunday for a preach? Not at all. Even his preaches were not preaches in the way we hear them today. He reached out to the common people. Real people, going about their daily lives. Not to get them to join some church, the cell group - or any other such institution. No - he reached out to them, saw them, had compassion upon them, then spoke truth. Regardless of how it would be accepted, he saw them, had compassion, and was truth. It was up to the hearer how they would respond. Whether it would be the birds, sun, weeds or soil that would claim them..

He was no different down here, than he will be on judgement day. On judgement day he will see, he will have compassion, and he will speak truth.

Now tell me, what is my and your experience of church? Of christians? Is their reaction the same as Jesus'? They see you, they have compassion (which is not the same as looking down on in pity), do they speak truth, act truthfully?

Surely this is what God is looking for - living according to his purpose? Not some imprisoned bunch of christians who if they miss going to church fear the fact that they are backsliding. They may be - but then again they may not be. Why are they going to church? Is church their salvation? If they don't meet with other christians does that mean they are going to hell? Backsliding?

It's all crap. Show me a church who encourages truth. God's truth - not in the sense of some theological discussion, but in the sense of knowing life, God's kind of life, being able to really see others. Have compassion - true compassion - from the heart - not some holier than thou sort of compassion..

Encouraging those who go to work out their own salvation. That they can exist without the church. That God is looking for a heart after him - which is not measured in how many meetings, or how much they give, or how many soup runs they do, or how many doors they knock on. Jesus wasn't looking for any of that. He was looking for.. what... freedom. A freedom from sin. From guilt. A response to God's heart of love. Love. Joy. Truth. Peace.

Able to live joyfully through the pain and hardship of life. No matter what. To know deep and honest and truthful and life giving relationships with others. Not to shy away from pain, from difficult areas, from wrong thinking or painful experiences. But to know life, truth and grace therein.. God's life truth and grace. A resting grace. At peace. Real deep down peace. A quality of life which is not available unless you enter through the door of truth, taking the narrow road towards hope which shines bright.

You don't need me to tell you this. You know it already. God's spirit testifies to it within your heart. It's not about Sunday mornings, or cells, or bible studies, or even prayer meetings. It's not about reading your Bible. It's about a relationship. It's about truth. Real truth. About everything. Nothing hidden, ancient templates exploded. How we see ourselves, how we see others, how other's see us. God's grace, truth and life.

I'm waffling. And yet I must write.

So much frustration. It is NOT about church. It is not about following the minister. Being accountable to him for your life. Bollocks. God is your saviour. Where's truth? Do NOT follow a man, or woman. They are human. Foster your relationship with truth. Do not hide from truth. Not just in terms of God - but in terms of your life. How you live it. What you fear, your pain, what you hide.. not because there is a judgemental God who wants to punish you, but rather because there is no law against truth, with grace.

The difficult road, path, walk. Are you hiding? Not wanting God to oh so gently reach into your pain and help you along the path of healing? Instead we turn our faces, mount our defences and justify our actions. And as such we turn from the grace of truth, and the truth of grace.

Go and see a therapist. Go for counselling. We see doctors for physical ailments but aren't willing to see a counsellor for emotional pain.. WHY NOT?

blah blah blah blah...

Regardless, I don't like my dad's religion.

Brief update - spiritually..

I'm pretty much recovered physically now - after having had twelve months off work - which is nice!

Spiritually - same as before. I believe in truth, joy and life. Jesus was the embodiment of all those things, but I have no time whatsoever for church, church ministers or even, probably, many Christians. I just can't agree with the ABC approach - Accept, Believe, Confess, and you are in. It goes against the principles of truth and wisdom. The narrow and the wide path. Picking up your cross daily. Seeking knowledge and wisdom.... in fact I think Christians are in the main no different to non christians - sometimes worse because they believe they posses the whole truth and as such despise everyone else...

So.. there you have it. To say what I say above goes so against the grain of how I was brought up that it seems as if I was brainwashed or belonged to some sort of cult or sect... so puling away from it is hard in itself..

More hard work

First of all - it's going a lot better. I'm still going to the gym 2-4 times a week. Therapy has been going well. I've started doing odds and bits for my company - like interviewing, sorting out final year accounts, starting to do a bit of networking.. on the home front I've started a business plan for the farm my wife wants.

We've also chosen to get a dog - and picked the litter today. Six weeks today and we will have a fox red Labrador!

So - why hard work?

If my wife starts to talk to me - and it's about me - then it triggers catastrophe. A bit like the following;

* My wife says that I am not able to do x, or weren't able to do y, or did z - all of which I see as negative
* I immediately start yo cringe on the inside. Panic, fear, alarm, defended - all kicks in. At times I can feel that I want to run away.

Through therapy my therapist has suggested that this is a trigger (CBT term). That I need to attack it.. What evidence have I got for it being right. What is a more balanced thought. She's not attacking me. She's not saying I have got it wrong. She's not trying to get one over on me. She's not trying to dominate me. Instead she is wanting to express how she feels on something, something important. She loves me. She is not wanting to hurt me. She is not wanting to dominate or anything else. Instead she wants to be able to convey how she feels about something. I don't need to be defensive. I don't need to fear...

And how are my feelings now? Well - a bit better - but still I am having to fight. My therapist said that it will take time as this is so ingrained...

So I will keep working at it. I can't believe how tough it feels at times.

Future - what could I do?

So if the future were not to include me working for my own company - which I've done - then what?

Here is a top of my head list;

• Work with children who have been adopted/fostered - those who have not been parented properly. I wouldn't want to work with disabled children. My aim would be to help them in life, building confidence, self esteem and self worth.
  

• Mentor/coach business owners/directors, pastors/ministers. Those who lead/direct organisations. The purpose of the coaching/mentoring would be to enable them to be better leaders - helping them to push through their own barriers.
  
  
• Provide troubleshooting consultancy to companies - very fast turnarounds, sorting out sales, operations, management and staff issues. Maximum six month engagements.
  
  
• Continue to make money because I'm good - the results of which enable the above.
  
  
• Take regular time off, for reflection, recuperation, hobbies. Fishing, shooting, walking holidays, outdoors (not to include camping! I need a shower and a bed!). Use this time for me, for me and my wife, my girls if they want to be a part, then wider family (nephews/nieces).
  
  

Automatic Thoughts & Corresponding Actions

A key tenant in cognitive behavioural therapy appears to be arresting the automating process between an event which triggers an automatic thought with the following behaviour.

The way it does this, as I've written before, is;

TRIGGER EVENT (.e.g my wife is quiet in the car)
|
AUTOMATIC THOUGHT (I've done something wrong)
|
IMMEDIATE FEELING (Alarm, panic, fear, guilt, trapped)
|
PHYSICAL IMPACT (insides twist, pensive, defensive)
|
RESULTING BEHAVIOUR (Go on the defensive, or loop above)

CBT allows you to realise that we feel the way we do because of the automatic thought - NOT because of the trigger. So if we can break the power of the automatic thought we won't feel the same feelings etc.

Key questions to ask include;

What evidence do I have that I am right?
What evidence do I have that I am wrong?
How may someone else see it?
Do I now have an alternative way of seeing this?
If not - what makes me so special?
What more balanced thought do I end up with?

This simple process, which does require that someone is able to actually know what they are feeling (which itself may require some work), is very effective.

I felt extremely trapped by being with my wife. If I was in the car, in the house, she asked if I wanted to go for a walk, or do something, or go somewhere, or indeed started talking to me, I would panic. My automatic thought would go along the lines "I'm wrong, I'm not allowed to get this wrong, I've got it wrong". This would lead, ultimately, to a sense of being trapped - for there was no way out. I then thought my wife was trapping me -whereas all along it was me.

Five or so weeks later and there has been a big change. For by challenging these thoughts has meant a huge difference... There's still work to do, further enforcing, as well as moving further into my life (trigger situations) and challenging other automatic thoughts..

I can't believe how simple and yet effective it is..

And as I work through this maybe I can apply it to my future too - I.e. not being afraid of repeating the mistakes of the past..

The Past, The Future and The Present

Just read a book called "The Present" by Spencer Johnson. He also wrote the book "Who Moved My Cheese?". A simple and easy to read book illustrating life truths through a story.

The Present is about being able to live in the moment, whilst learning lessons from the past but not living in the past, and planning for the future but living in the moment working towards the future. I.e. it's about the present.

Over the last 18 months I have been focusing on learning from the past in order to be able to live better in the present. What I have not given much consideration too is the future. What is it I want? It's as if I have been so driven in the past towards achieving this magic future, that I am now afraid to think about the future for I do not want to be driven.

I guess that where I need to LEARN from the past, in order not to repeat the past. I do not want to be driven. I want to be able to live in the present. So this is a challenge to me, maybe the next step on my journey. What do I want in the future? What would a wonderful future look like? Then plan for it, working in the moment towards that goal whilst living in the present.

At the moment, I have no future. I want to be.. but I also want to keep developing. So this is something I need to give some serious thought too...